What do yo think is worse for a child.....Divorce or growing up in house without love????

Question

I have been married almost 5yrs. I have a 13yr. old son from a previous marriage and now I have a 4yr old girl from my current marriage. I know the damage it did to my son and I don't want to get another divorce but there is no love in my marriage. My husband and son can't get along for 5min. and I am tired of being in the middle. I have tried counseling for myself but that isn't going to change their relationship. I made a mistake getting married but wouldnt give up my daughter for the world.

I am almost 8yrs older than my husband and when we married he had never been in a very serious relationship. We had our daughter right away because I was almost 40. I feel I rushed him into marriage long before he was ready to be a husband or a father, let alone a step-father. I had reservations about his parenting skills before I married him, but did it anyway. We were both brought up in very religious families and I thought that would help out marriage. Unfortunately it hasn't. I am not in love with him anymore, can I still make it work for the children

Answer 1

This is a tough one. If it were just the 5-year-old, I'd say stick it out. It depends on how difficult your son's relationship is with his step-father. Have you tried family counselling? I really think that another divorce would be very difficult for both children. In the end, though, if you think the situation is damaging your son further, you have to end it.

Answer 2

The question isn't about lack of love. People can stay married out of friendship, or a desire to see their kids grow up without being torn in two or the hope or experience that love will return. It does for some people if they don't use the D word. Besides, with all this conflict, how would you know if you loved your husband?

As for telling your son he's not to blame. You've already implied that he is. "Tired of being in the middle" says just that. He'd have to be really stupid not to figure out he's part of the problem and to be way more mature than most13 year-olds not to think he's the only reason. (Most kids that age view themselves as the star of the movie that is their life.) He doesn't need to think he's got that kind of power whether it's true or not. Better to divorce when they are chummy so he can't possibly feel responsible.

Frankly, unless DH is scummy enough to desert his daughter if you divorce him, she alone ensures that her father and her brother will have to get along until one of the three dies. And, even that may not help. My in-laws, divorced for years, went on seeing each other even after my husband died because they had two grandsons in common. Fix the conflict first.

If the man was nice to marry in the first place, tell him that the conflict between him and your son is getting unbearable. Remind him of his own mother and father if that could be the least bit useful. Say that your daughter needs a better home situation and ask for his help in making things more peaceful. Don't let him weasel out by saying Sonny has to change first. You two are the adults in the room and have to act like it.

If DH isn't violent and Sonny can run fast, you could try leaving with your daughter whenever they get into it. Just say, "Honey, let's go," and leave--no threats, no getting in the middle. The shock will probably bring both guys to their senses. Most families suffer from too much talk and not enough action.

Answer 3

Personally, I think it is worse for a child to grow up in a household where the parents cannot get along. If there is constant yelling and screaming, they will learn to yell and scream to try and solve their problems; if the adults do not show love and respect to each other, the kids very well may demonstrate the same types of attitudes in their future relationships. Children will adapt to any situation. I feel that as long as the children know they are loved by their family members, they will turn out all right (even if the parents don't live in the same house). This is not to say that they won't go through a rough patch during the transition period, but I think with the appropriate support the eventual outcome can be positive.

As for your son, I wonder why he can't get along w/ your current husband? Does he feel that your husband is trying to take the place of his father? Is it just the age (13 is a tough age anyway)? If you were able to get along w/ your husband, it would be easier to show your son that you and your husband are a united front that works as a team, but given your question, it does not seem that this is the situation.

Good luck to you and your family no matter what your decision is.

P.S. You mentioned counseling for yourself, but have you tried marriage or family counseling? It may be worth a shot, and even if the marriage doesn't work out, at least you may be able to resolve some issues so that you and your partner will be able to get along in the future (after all, you will have to communicate until your daughter is at least 18).

Answer 4

You and the husband may not love each other, but if you and your husband both love your daughter, then there is love. And if there is really no love between any two people in your household, then the correct question should be: "what is worse for a child: Growing up without love with divorced parents, or growing up without love with married parents". What I am saying is, will the four people love each other MORE if you got a divorce? The only possibility I can see is your son loves you more for getting rid of your husband 'cos your son doesn't like him. But then what about the daughter? You would be getting rid of her father and doing it for the benefit of her half-brother. It's a tough situation.

Answer 5

I know divorce can be very hard on children. My parents divorced when I was little, but the truth is it would have been 10X harder if they had stayed in the same house. It is SO much healthier for the children when the parents are happy, whether they live together or not. Staying for the sake of the children can result in lots of fighting between you and your ex, which is REALLY traumatic. Trust me, you will be happier and your children will be happier if you two split, and allow each other to move on with their lives.

Positive re-enforcement and communication with the children is a good way to help them through the divorce. Let them know they are not the cause and that both of you will love them endlessly no matter what. If you and your ex can sit down together with them and answer questions for them that will help as well. Good luck!!

Answer 6

Well I grew up in a crap family without any love between my parents. When I was little I use to wish they would seperate because they could actually be happy, as could I. To this day they are miserable & I've had so many issues from growing up in that situation that I finally just moved 2 hours away & have very little contact with them now. It's just not healthy for them & it's not helathy for the children either, no matter what the age.

Answer 7

Divorce is not the answer, people here are telling you to run from your problems again, both of your kids will do as you do in life. you took vows remember? Be the parent & tell your son he has got to obey this dad, he has got to be respectful and obedient, period. No room for arguements. He may as well learn respect for authority figures now in his life. He could benefit from a military school at 13.
Do not make your daughter a victim of divorce like you son is. I would tell my son you obey our rules & you stand united with your husband. Your husband is the adult, your son is the minor-- let him try living with some relatives if he thinks he has it so bad. When we vacationed in Turkey i saw boys younger than him begging for food, & a girl your daughter's age. now THAT'S reason for a kid to complain.

Answer 8

it's better to be away if that is what makes you happy. you're kids love you and wanna see you happy, not miserable. Just make sure they know it's not their fault. Kids are happier when their parents are. they watch you and if you are always fighting with your husband that is the kind of relationship they will have when they grow up, it's what they know. Be an example by making yourself and your kids happy, don't rush into another relationship, just be happy being single when the time is right the right man will come along, but don't rush into marriage another time either

Answer 9

Do not stay in a marriage without love. Do not do that to yourself. Do not do that to your husband. Do not present that role model to your children. Let them see you both happy and maybe someday both in love. This is why the divorce rate is so high in the US -- we stay together and present that idea to our children that it's ok to marry someone they might not see a loving future with. How do we expect them to stay married to their new spouses if they're following the love model we've presented to them, where no love was present? One divorce to prevent your children's future ones? You betcha. But won't they be seeing a model of divorce? Yes, but if handled appropriately and presented to them with explanations and love and caring, the 'don't marry someone you think you might not love forever' message will come through. And, yes, the 'don't stay together if you're loveless and unhappy' message, too, but speaking for myself, that's not necessarily a bad thing either. Make sure they know they are loved, loved completely and unconditionally, by all the parties involved.

Answer 10

Divorce is definitely worse. The adults in the marriage can MAKE things work, the kids are helpless and don't need their lives ripped apart just because mom is selfish and wants her own needs met. Smarten up, be a better wife and a great mom.