A good man but has one bad habit can we survive?

Question

I have been dating this guy for about a year now, and wants to plan a future with me. Since we have been dating he made me aware that he smokes weed on occasion and I told him that was not something that I like and he told me that he would quit and express that he wants to quit smoking for himself because he knows that it is bad for him. Just recently he has confessed that he does it to relax after a hard day or he has a drink but I coming to see that this is happing more and more...I am concerned and expressed it to him how it makes me feel, he never does it in front of me but I can tell when he is high (sometimes) or he will confess to me that he did and I get so angry that we argue, I relized that this was not healthy and I made a desision to nt fighting, I do realize this is a choice he wants but since he has admitted that he has a problem with this and wants to change I don't know how to support him or what I can do without fighting about it. I love him & want this to work

He came clean with me today that he did and according to our conversation that if he got high and was honest, I would not yell at him but help him. I told him once he was honest..."I love you and Jesus Loves you please don't smoke" And he told me he was sorry and I love you too, I told him that I would not go see him, I left it at that. And it killed him inside, because he begged me to come over and I said no I have to stand up for my beliefs and can not see you like that. And if he wants to see me...he has to be clean. It hurt me to say no but I am not going to support it and give him a "time out"

Answer 1

You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you.If it is, and he truly wants to quit, give him a time limit by which he should quit. If he doesn't quit by then, leave him. If you truly loves you more than his weed, he'll quit and want you back.

Answer 2

I personally do not have a problem with people smoking pot. The people who have all these issues with how horrible it is usually drink and I think that that is worse. I don't drink often (maybe 3 times a year) and I don't smoke pot but having the choice of a man who drank or smoke I would pick the smoker.
If you cannot live with this then you need to end it with him. However, I wonder if on some level this isn't a control issue. Check yourself for that.
You cannot change him. He will make his own choices as will you and you are not his mommy so don't fall into that trap. Either accept him the way he is and let him change or get out.

Answer 3

First off i think it's great you are looking for a REAL solution and not just listening to all those that say "just dump him".

The best thing here is that he realises he has a problem, and that you are both communicating your needs, you now just have to find the happy medium.

You say you want to support him through it but dont know how... maybe you could find alternatives for him, similar to when a tobacco smoker tries to quit. Try and take some of the pressure off and do some of the work for him, afterall he's doing it for both of you, so it's only fair you chip in and help.

Everytime he feels like a cone/joint, suggest to eat a piece of fruit instead, or suggest taking up hobbies with some form of physical activity involved.

My best mate smoked it for about 5 years through uni, and wanted to quit. I hate the stuff and told him he needs to get over it cause it's immature and unhealthy, but he didnt know how. every time i saw him i took an apple round (sounds very corny i know) and simply made it known that i "cant stand the smell of it anymore... here, have an apple instead of that". I also convinced him to start playing social Rugby union with me, and now he's off it, fit and healthy.

Also point out to him the money that he could save by not buying the stuff.
There's many benefits other than just the health issues. He will have an increased sex drive and better performance (also bring up the point weed can cause impotence), save money, look and feel better etc etc...

As for the title question "A good man but has one bad habit can we survive?". Everyone has at least ONE bad habbit. As for "can you survive?" i hope so, otherwise you're going to be very lonely if you're searching for someone with no habbits. They dont exist.

Hope it all goes well. Dont give up on him, help him kick that habbit!

Answer 4

Can you live with it?, well, I see this every day in counseling, but a weed habit generally only gets worse, especially when it is used as a escape from problems .
I don't say dump him, rather get him help, be there for him, go to counseling with him. Fix the problem now, while it is easy.
Remember "weed" is still illegal. would you feel the same if it was crack? or maybe if he liked to beat up old ladies to get his stress relieved ? That's taking it pretty far, but my point is it is illegal. if you have children in the future, and you know he is a pot smoker, they can and do take children away from family's like that, or do you want you future son to go out and smoke a fatty with his Dad?
Make the change before it goes too far,

Answer 5

You probably don't want to hear but this, but, that stuff destroys brain cells. It is an addiction that is like gambling, drinking, etc; and, it is very hard to quit. He will need to want to quit and he will need support, and even then it may not work. I have a brother in law who was a genius but the wacky tobacky fried his brain and he now lives in a cabin like a hermit and talks to his imaginary friends. Also I have a son in law who smoked it when he was 16 and to this day at age 34 he has learning problems; it really does screw up the old brain.

Answer 6

i woudlnt wanna seond my lie with a man does weed and woudltn wanna m kids to have sucha father yet he seems to be a good guy other than the weed thing. try to help him quit but u need to do that with a an expert help. he miht be an addective character and we both ont want him to turn into alcoholic or soemthign sicne he does it to relax end of day and we bth knwo that stressful days are actaully from monday to friday aroudn the year! dont ever say eithe rme or weed coz he might choose u and keep weed like the msitress u dotn wanna have in ur life . appreciatehis honestly and be honest with him urself and tell him what u think and what ur tinking of ur future togather
good luck

Answer 7

You are getting a "free" look at what life will be like with this guy except you will be calling him "my husband". Many women have went on and married these guys hoping that they will change after marriage and with their help.

He will only change because he wants to and change is very difficult. Then after the change, you have to keep up with the change which is also difficult. And don't forget that even after the change, there is the word "relapse".

P.S. Remember, if he needs it now to relax, just think what he will need once he is married to relax. Marriage is difficult and one will need to find a way to relax, unfortunately, he may continue in finding the wrong ways to relax.

Best of luck.

Answer 8

Maybe he is only saying it's a problem to get you to quit nagging about it? Possibly it is who he is and he enjoys it. My advise is to choose your arguments carefully, and to get used to doing that. It truly is part of a good marriage.

If it is totally unacceptable behavior for you than, you must let him know that and decide if he wants to give it up. If you push this you will be sorry. Examine if he really wants to quit. If he does, than be supportive and don't make it like he's inferior or has this "huge" problem. The only way that you can help is to allow him to come to you about it. Be there when he needs you. If he decides to seek outside help, offer to go with him. Most of all ask him how he would like for you to support him. He is not a child, nor an invalid and I know from experience that he does not "need" your help. Just be there in the way he tells you he needs you. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 9

Obviously this is an issue for you and if you decide to go ahead with making a future with him realize that it will not get better unless he is truly serious about quiting. This will put a serious strain in your relationship when living together because you will see him everyday doing it, therefore causing a never ending argument. Sorry :(

Answer 10

Make him feel you love him a lot and he need to stop it for your love if not any other things.. whenever he feels like going for it ask him to call you and make him feel good by means of anything and help him to forget the addiction.. The hard way is also OK the way you did it if that can help to break that habit... you sounded more mature in handling the problem and i got a feeling you will be able to make him leave his habit.. your problem is in all good hand of yours and i am confident you will be able to do that without advice from any of us.. Cheers

Answer 11

I understand that you love him, but you not only have to think about your own future, but also the future of any family that you might have.

What if you have kids? Do you want them to "make their own decision" to smoke weed and who knows what else?

Weed is only the beginning, and I think anyone can tell you that if he already has a problem with drugs, even if it's "just pot" it will only get worse and lead to more drugs.

I would tell him that before the relationship can progress or even continue as it is, he needs to get help, prove he is clean for a significant period of time, and then see if you still have the same love for each other.