How can a mother escape the shame?

Question

A woman has a 10 year -old son. Her son did not have a relationship with his father because he was in jail. She kept her son’s grand-mother (father’s side) in contact with her son. Then the father was released from jail and the grand-mother persuaded her to let him (father) see his son. Reluctanly and with enough time she did. Well, now the SOB is back in jail, and her shame is consuming her, and her son.

Her son got his first “D” … and she attributes this to him seeing his father and then learning what a creep he was; she's placing blame on herself, and not him …

So, as her buddy, I want to know of any resources (books, web-sites, groups) that help mothers who’s husband’s/ father’s of children are in jail.

Answer 1

I think counseling is the way to go.
There is so much shame in kids whose parents are absentee.
The kid always thinks it's their fault--that they are a bad kid,somehow.
Urge your friend to find a therapist and also try to find a way to get the little gut into Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization (or another one) that will put him in touch with a male friend who can help with his self esteem.
Good luck
To the 'man' below me:
The question is about helping this famly, not judging them.PFTT!

Answer 2

I'm sorry I have no book recomendations but I do have advice. My dad's not in jail but he was a alcholic. Fortunalitly for us he also worked most of the time. It was not always been like this (for the past 7 years (in these years I have never seen him sober except in the past week)). Let me tell you now it impacts me a hell of a lot. However it's started getting a lot better because my brother started helping me (he's been able to just push it out).

This is what I'm doing:

1. Cry. Just let it all out. Have a temper tantrum. Whatever. Just let it loose.
2. I know it sounds stupid but take a pad of paper and write down on seperate sheets of paper everything you can think of bad about your dad. Then scrunch each sheet up, smile and throw it really hard at the wall- furthest. If you've come up with enough powerful ones you'll probably start crying not just because you're mad but because it feels like all your problems are going away, and it's just some kindof relief.

3. Start doing something to change it.For example me and my bro worked on my dad for weeks and although it didn't get him to quit immediatly it gave us hope. (Now I'm happy to say he's down to 3 bottles a day)

Answer 3

"she's placing blame on herself, and not him … "

I sincerely hope that the "him" in this sentence is referring to the son and not the father.

I'm sorry if (from personal experience) I have a hard time with someone blaming a father in jail for bad grades, the responsibility lies first on the child in question, and second on the primary parent. a father who has had such minimal contact surely would not disrupt the child's structural learning enviornment however emotional it may be, the PRIMARY parent is there to help condition the child to deal with such emotional struggles as the child also upholds his responsibilities.

that being said, I would first tell your "friend" to buy a parenting book.

#1 she needs to take responsibility for her childs grades, but not by "feeling shame" while conviently passing the blame onto the childs father (shes not blaming herself, shes making herself out to be the victim in this situation alongside of her son)
#2 shame is an extreemly volitile emotion that can trigger all forms of abuse (physical, emotional, verbal, sexual) therefore this mother needs to be in couseling to deal with these "feelings of shame"
#3 for the child, get him involved in a boys and girls club, a baseball team, or a science club any extracirrcular activity that will both occupy his time while also providing the oppurtunity of positive male role models.
#4 look into support groups for children of men in prison. My father went to jail when i was 16, (btw my grades never dropped because my mother stayed involved in my education) and i attended support groups through "Lost angels" type that in your browser to find a group in your area

Answer 4

As her buddy, please do not feed into this blame game. The dad ended up back in jail, so, move on and get the child some counseling or better yet the mom. So many kids out there have crappy parents. My husband was in jail more than I could count. I explained to my kids, all 4 that it was not their fault and hung in there with my kids, raised them on my own and encouraged them to go with their hearts about having a relationship with their dad. Each child chose a different type of relationship, from being as much in his life as possible to turning away from him and not looking back. The one who hung in there with her dad has a college degree and is doing great, the one who chose not to ever see him, has a college degree and is also doing great. The two other kids, same success, different investments in time with their dad. This is not a big deal unless you choose to make it one. And, also, I did divorce him and move on.

Answer 5

I'm sure there are such groups out there, but my first reaction is BOTH of them should look into some counselling, imo. It isn't their fault that the man is an ****...they need to come to terms with that and sometimes an impartial 3rd party is a great way to work through such issues.

Answer 6

The only way this mom you are talking about can ever escape blame is to stop searching it; meaning she has to stop blaming herself, actions and whatever else she can think of. What she has to do is to accept things are what they are and that there is nothing she can do to change them; all she can do is change herself. The secret is, she's the key player, only she has to realize this, this is where I believe some side line counseling may do her some good. A counselor can help her find the way.

Answer 7

First let me say that I feel for the boy. It's a crying shame that people can't be responsible enough to be a decent roll model for their children. Then, what does that say for the boy's mother. She picked the skank jail-bird to share the parenting of her son , (unless she was raped), so she bears HALF the responsibility. With all that said, I would have her get professional help for the boy INSTANT. He needs to be in counseling to know how to deal with this and other things to come.

Answer 8

The kid has a right to see his dad. He misses his dad.

You cant blame yourself for the dad's actions.

lots of websites from every point of view. Put 'Dads in jail' into Google. There is a lot there.

You are still his mum. Be strong. No one can replace you either.