What should I do about my marriage?

Question

I've been married over 20 years and they've been tumultuous to say the least. Each year, it gets worse and worse and worse. Accusations of me cheating, ugly name calling, more time spent with equally abusive friends than with me. He's very distant from his kids, so much so that there's barely a relationship at all between them. He doesn't do anything romantic with me. He doesn't spend anytime with me at all. He just watches TV. We show no affection whatsoever. He's also been unfaithful to me in the past. Just recently, e asked me to stay with him but I don't know why if he's not spending time with me, doesn't know me at all? Should I? Everytime someone asks me why I do, I say I feel bad for him because I know how he was brought up but is that enough of an excuse?

Answer 1

No, it’s not enough of an excuse and an excuse is just a reason to stay the way you are and not change. As long as you allow him to be this way that is just the way he is going to be. Why should he change? You’ve kind of allowed him to be this way, have you not? Really, you need to start thinking about yourself and your children. What kind of a role model is he being for them? Are your girls going to grow up and marry men like him because that’s the way they think men should treat their wives? Are you boys going to grow up and think that it’s OK for them the treat their wives with disrespect in a loveless and lifeless relationship, because that’s how they saw daddy treat mom? And what about you? Don’t you deserve someone to love you, honor and support you? Yes you do! He has already cheated on you once and chances are he will just do it again. Can people change? Well yes they can, but there has to be a want to and it seems your husband is lacking that! Maybe if you put your foot down, he’ll see that your not going to take it anymore and that you’ll only take him back when you see real change in his life. Otherwise, move on and find someone who really loves you my friend.

Answer 2

I'm sure you don't want to hear this but it sounds like he does all those things because he can and he believes you won't leave. If you stayed with him after he cheated, then why would you leave for all these little things? 20 years is a long time but it should be getting better, not worse. It would be so easy for me to type "leave him" knowing just what you've told us but I'm sure it's really hard when you're with someone for over 20 yrs. If you want to stay, I'd have to say, try everything! To talking, counseling, 2nd honeymoon, reservation to a nice dinner just for the two of you, ect... You can only give so much on your side of the relationship though. I'm sure you don't want to be unhappy for the next 20yrs. Good luck you!

Answer 3

I would definately suggest you two speak to a pastor with some counseling back ground. He needs to know whre his stand is in this marriage. You obviously know yours.
I am sure you will here several people say divorce him, pack your bags and leave,etc...That's not always the solution. That's why the divorce rate is so high these days, because no one wants to deal with their marriage.
Marriage does take work...You didn't sign a contract the promised you it would be easy, you signed to love him till death do you part & through thick & thin...Well this is the thick part.
It sounds like he doesn't communicate...Start talking to him about what you're feeling & how you see him. Get a response out of him. Let him know you're not trying to be a nagging wife, you just want to know why the marriage is failing. That line normally gets their attention (...marriage is failing.) Get a reaction from him...Tell him you need some answers, you kids need some answers.
The problem with mariage now a days is people get too comfortable in their marriage & it stops growing. You have a stunted marriage. Liven it up a bit, and I don't just mean sexually. Start getting involved with things. Startoff with his interests to get his attention. If he likes watching the races, go to your local speed races, if he likes football, go to the local high school & watch a game...There are so many things you can do to pike his interest & get him involved.
If anything, make a change to the house...Spruce it up...Change a wal color.I know this sounds crazy, but when you change the environment in which he has settle in, it stirs him up...I don't mean anger(don't go too overboard). Colors have an effect on people. Happy colors are sky blue, any shade of yellow, oranges, and greens. I highly recommend the yellows, I have seen more of a response from "dead husbands" from the yellows than any other color.
Start taking the kids to church & invite him. He may not take it up right away, but he will come around. Even if it's just to the pot lucks evey now & then. He will see how much happier you & the kids ar & get intrigued.
Don't give up on him...He's just on idle & don't know what to do.20 years is a long time to just give up.

Also, with the going out with friends & not being with you...Start taking the kids out often, and he will hear all of the fun stories that you guys tell & will wonder why he wasn't there. Then tell him...You're out with your buddies & not with your family.

The accuisations & name calling has got to stop...That will crush a woman's spirit quicker than anything. Especially coming from the man whom you promised to stand by & love no matter what & devoted all of your time to make him happy...The next time he calls you a name or accuses you of cheating...Threaten divorce & see if he changes his attitude. Let him know you aren't going to take it & remind him of the vows you two exchanged & let him know you have stuck to your guns. Normally, the accuser is the guilty party...Just to let you know.

I would definately put my foot down, and let him know you aren't going to take his crap anymore & you demand some respect that is LONG over due.If nothing changes, after getting therapy/counseling, then, yes, i would agree with others...file for divorce, but be sure you have done everything inyour power to work things out.

We will keep you in our prayers & God bless you on your journey to a happy & healthy marriage.

Answer 4

I been with my husband for 17 years and I had to leave only because I could not handle it no more my husband sound alot like yours and at this point in my life I want to be happy and it was hard but I am doing and I am happy now and so are my kids. Dont make up any excuses do what you have to do only you can decide but make sure you make your self happy in the long run good luck

Answer 5

I'm just so sorry for the situation you are in. This is no good for you - or your kids - but then you already know that. It's easy for all of us on "answers" to tell you what we think we would do but we are not necessarily in your situation. Only you can decide what's best for you and your children. Are you waiting for him to change? Because he isn't going to. You say that you know his upbringing was difficult (well, that's what you're suggesting) but does that justify making your childrens' upbringing equally difficult? They need to come first here - and I speak as a mother. Is there any reason to stay - for you or your children? If not, then you know that you have to find a way to go. But you already worked that out didn't you? Good luck to you and your children.

Answer 6

It's so easy to say: "end it. move on. it's over" but this is the man that you have spent over 20 years with and it's easier said than done, I know. What you have to keep in mind is that you still have the rest of your life to live out and people can still find a brand new happiness at 50, 60, 70 or 80!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A few years of being TRULY, TRULY happy and in love is better worth a lifetime of ups and downs, trials & tribulations.

Answer 7

So how is that guilt trip going for you?

Did you pack enough clothes, because it sounds like you have been on it for a LLLLLLOOOOOONNNNGGG time!

Either you are too chicken to take the necessary steps to have a better life, or you are just buying into this guilt trip, hook line and sinker.

Make the changes. If he really loved you, he would not treat you that way. If you want to truly try, then go to counseling. If he refuses, then pack your things. The kids do not need to grow up thinking that your marriage is the way all marriages are supposed to be.

You deserve to be happy and so does he. If you can't do that for each other, then part ways.

Answer 8

Why do you feel like you should give up your own chances at happiness because of the way this guy was raised? That is rediculous. You are not responsible for his childhood and you are not his mother. Ask him to get counseling. Buy some books on relationships, turn the tv off and ask him to read them with you. Take your clothes off, turn the tv off and stand in front of it. If none of that helps, file for divorce!

Answer 9

Communication is the most important thing in any relationship. If he can't or won't talk to you, perhaps a councillor can help.
Don't stay because of the kids, I don't know their age, but they are not stupid. They see you are miserable, they hear the fights.
Sounds like you need some self-confidence. Do you work, have hobbies, friends outside the family, activities for yourself that don't involve your kids?
Try focusing on you, see a councillor yourself.
You are convenient for him, why would he want you to leave.?
No matter what you decide, good luck.

Answer 10

Why are you considering his feelings? He obviously doesn't give a crap about yours or your childrens. You are wasting your time on someone who is loveless....Time for you to move on before it's too late and you wake up old and alone... Look deep inside and you will see you deserve to be happy and what is this teaching your children about marriage or relationships? It's not all about you and him. But be good to yourself and get the hell out of that marriage....He is a cheater and doesn't respect you....there are plenty of men out there that will treat you the way you deserve.