How do I talk to my 18-year-old son about drinking & driving without putting him on the defense?

Question

My son has a MySpace account under a false name. I am aware of his site and I monitor it regularly (he is not aware of this). I discovered that while I was on a backpacking trip over Memorial weekend, and he was at home with my fiance, he went out with some friends and got drunk for the first time. I know he was probably driving... Anyway, I do not want him to know that I know about his MySpace account, but I am in a bit of a quandary. Do I confront him about the past weekend, or do I let it go and just talk to him about drinking and driving in general? Is it wrong to be monitoring his MySpace account without him knowing?

He does live at home and still is in h.s., although graduates next week. I monitor his site for this very reason. Yes, we've talked about drugs & alcohol before, but he's been such a good kid and makes good grades that it hasn't been a huge concern of mine until now.

Answer 1

Boy, it's as if I asked this question. I too have an 18 yr old boy in HS and I monotor his myspace page as well. In fact, I check out his friends pages too.

I think it is a great way to keep track of what your kids are doing when away from home.

My son is fully aware that I check his page and those of his friends. When I see something that troubles me on any of them, I talk about it openly and explain why it troubles me in a way that he can understand.

They are most all going to drink at one time or another, if you assure him that you understand what it's like to be a teenager and let him know that you only want him to stay safe, he'll be more apt to listen. My son knows that if he is out and he drinks, he can call me and I will go pick him up. His close friends also know this. I've only been called once and it was by a whole group of kids, my husband and I had to take 2 cars. When I got there one of the girls was throwing up in the bushes, so I waited for her to pull herself together and drove them home. It makes me feel good to know that at least some of the kids I've watched grow up will call for help when needed.

But if you do offer that to him, you can't punish him if he does call you drunk. You can talk to him about it later, but you have to show him that you can be trusted in situations that are going to happen in the lives of every young adult.

Answer 2

You will hear a lot of parents say spying in invasion but I have worked as a firefighter and a parent and say SPY and talk to your kids let him know he can tell you and you wont get mad but get the point across that he is responsible for his actions I have scraped one to many kids off the road to say let it slide As a matter of fact your local fire department should have an explorers group that will help they teach the kids about being a firefighter and let them see limited first hand what things like drinking and drugs do Yes confront him you do not have to tell him how you know just that you do and you want him safe do go in accusing he could just be bragging to seem big Let him do most of the talking and LISTEN make him responsible for him and be a parent if you feel punishment is necessary do it don't let him slide or next time he may not make it home

Answer 3

If you're looking at a private account of his, you probably shouldn't be expecting to be able to confront him about going behind your back. Granted, what he did is MUCH worse, but you're still violating his privacy and being a bit of a hypocrite. Unless you're willing to tell him about the MySpace account monitoring (which I believe IS, in fact, wrong), you really don't have much recourse here. If you confront him about it, and actually get him to admit to it, he's going to ask you how you know, and lying to him is pretty much out of the question. Why? Because you're trying to set him straight about lying to you. Think: What kind of person would that make you? The best thing for you to do is to come clean about the account and THEN confront him about his drinking. An angry kid is better than a kid killed in a drunk driving accident.

Answer 4

Does he live with you?

If he does, then he has an extremely limited expectation of privacy. You're not wrong to check on his MySpace. If he wants privacy he can get it at his own apartment paying his own rent.

As for how to tell him, since you suspect he has crossed the line, contact your local MADD chapter. Unfortunately you won't have any trouble finding stories of real people his age who either killed someone or themselves in a drunk driving accident. Attend a meeting with him. Let him see what it does to the survivors in both cases.

If he's a basically responsible young man who has been taught to respect others that made one terribly selfish and stupid choice, you should be able to make a lasting point about how lucky he is to be having this conversation with you.

Good luck.

Answer 5

You are his mother if you feel he was driving drunk do NOT let this go, you need to talk to him right away..What if he does it again? And only this time gets in a bad wreck killing him or someone else? You going to just let it go then too??
No, so please talk to your son about this, don't let it happen again, i know you don't want your son ending up in jail or even worse "dead"...
Even if he was not driving but was driving in the car with someone who has been drinking that is still not right, your son should know right from wrong, he should know about all the consequences with drinking and driving...
I'm sorry if i'm being rude i'm not trying to be, it's just..One time my friend and I were headed home from work, pretty buzzed, it was about 2-3 in the morning and we got in a big accident, we T-boned a car and went rolling into a ditch, thankfully the people in the other car were fine..I had a dislocated shoulder, busted up face from the glass ect and on top of that we had to spend some time in jail and nobody in there right mind would want to see their child in that predicament....
Please talk to him!

Answer 6

talk with him about drinking and driving, make sure that he is aware of all the consequences such as DWI and accidents and loss of life. Tell him that if he does drink even one drink to call and you will pick him up. Explain to him that if the car is in your name you are still responsible for his actions. As for the myspace he is an adult so mind your own business

Answer 7

Its probally best that he doesnt know you monitor it so you can know if he is doing anything to hurt himself or someone else. Let him off for that weekend so he doesn't know you know about the MySpace. Just talk to him about drunk driving in general.
Good Luck!

Answer 8

That's tough... He is 18 and if you tell him what you've been up to he'll likely get seriously mad... I would have at that age. When I was about 15-16 my parents didn't care if I drank or smoked. They didn't care if I partied. They did have one rule... Do NOT drink and drive... EVER. They said they would come get me and not lecture or ground me if I ever called them for a ride... That was that... So maybe you could just casually bring it up since it is summer and there are going to be a lot of graduation parties coming up that if he needs a ride... to call...

Answer 9

To your last question: Yes, respect his privacy, but if he is still living with you, he should respect your rules.

But, he's 18, and you've never talked to him about DWI? I hope that's not true. But if I was in your shoes, I would take his car keys out of his pants pocket and his license out of his wallet.

Pretend ignorance when he starts asking about them, then hand both of them back to him with a kiss on the cheek. Ask him if he's glad it's you handing them back instead of a judge in six months; then walk away..

Answer 10

You need to remember what most modern parents don't. He is not your friend, he is your son. Sit him down and tell him what you need to tell him. Will he be mad, maybe, but if you have done your job right he will not hate you for it. Kids need discipline, they have enough friends. Is it an invasion of his privacy, yes but who said he deserves that. He is in your house, under your rules. If he is unhappy with that, than he can leave.