This may be a shallow question .... but .....?

Question

For those on this board, how are relationships for you? I am a DAK amputee and I'm finding the dating game rather tough. I'm probably looking in the wrong places and I'm probably working too hard at it.

Shilar

Answer 1

It's hard, but in my case, I don't think it's completely because of my disability. I've found guys who are interested in me from all types of ability levels. However, I have a sort of psychological problem with dating and sex due to the way I was raised (rather strictly) and I'm a bit picky so I find it hard to settle down despite my desires and urges.

Iso, even though I've been told I'm ugly, I've also been told that I'm pretty as well. I've had some people shocked by my answer that I don't have a boyfriend. A guy who was recently interested in me asked if I had a boyfriend. So not all disabled people are undesirable to everyone.

Answer 2

It is NOT a shalow question. That's a complex question--mostly because we (I'm blind) make it complicated. And it really isn't.

First--let's get the negatives out of the way. First, some people are going to avoid you . Forget it--you don't need them--That kind of person IS shallow-minded. Second, a loot of people are going to assume that because you have an impairment, you are somehow no longer interested in relationships and/or sex. That's a myth that isstill perpetuated even by sme supposedly knowledgeable professionals in rehabilitation. Again, forget it.

No w for the good news. What happens is under YOUR control (aside from some turkeys who will weed themselves out, thereby saving you time and aggravation). There are two key things you have to do:

1) Put yourself out there. Emotionallly that's tough to start with. Walking into a social scene--whether its a classroom, a party, a bar, etc.--is tough and draining at first. You will feel like a fly under a microscope, just waiting for smoeone to pull your emotional wings off. But it is a vital step. The best way is to learn to laugh about it--I probably know more blind guy jokes than you'd believe even exist!

The other thing is to work on you're own self image. People will respond to you the way you expect to be treated. If you "make yourself up" to your best advantage and focus on the positives you have--that's what people will notice.

The key is self-confidence--that is the sexiest trait anyone--male or female--can have. It can turn a toad into a prince--or a DAK amputee into the most drop-dead sexy woman in the place.. But--bottom line--its all in how you look at and treat yourself.

Answer 3

Shi,
First of all most men are IDIOTS. I can say this now that I am older and dont need to impress anybody.
First of all we will lie and cheat.
Most men feel the need to act like the king of the jungle.
Men are shallow and superficial which is probably why you are having trouble. Most men are not mature enough or smart enough to get past the fact that you are a DAK amputee and realize that you are a really cool chick (who will fly an airplane someday).
I could honestly see a DAK amp. with a crappy outlook saying that "I cant get a date because I have been dealt this sh###y mess", but you are not like that.
The good thing for you is when you find a guy who will see you for the person that you are inside, he will be a great guy who will treat you well and you will enjoy many great years together.

I know it doesnt help you much here.

Answer 4

Hi, sorry to hear so many unhappy experiences. I'm a sbe amputee, no big thing. I've been blessed, women are not as shallow as men when it comes to relationships & dating. I wear a hook(never liked the hands) most of time, sometimes I don't. Tends to throw people off, but that's ok.

This may sound simple but stop looking, just go about doing the things you like to do. Develope new hobbies & interest, work on your spiritual growth.

If it's meant to happen, it will.

By the way have you heard of the Amputee Coalition of America? Website: www.amputee-coalition.org . Their annual convention/conference is next month, June 15th thru 17th in Atlanta, Geo. Check the website, I know they are having a number of classes/workshops and one is entitled "women's issues" (yes they also have one called "men's issues"). Hope to see you there.

God Bless!

Answer 5

First I just want to say that I am a hermit. I have found most people are very intolerant of differences. I too am finding the "dating scene" hard to navigate. I believe in being honest about who and what I am and I face a lot of rejection. I still view the glass as being half full vs. half empty. I am (and will always strive to be) an optimist. I refuse to let other people's shallowness affect how I feel about myself. If I can meet someone, that will be wonderful. If I don't, that's OK too.
While it would be nice to have someone in my life, my self esteem is not based upon someone else's acceptance of me.

Answer 6

I think one of the barriers for the Disabled to dating or having a relationship is that most people these days want a "dual income" situation. Because of the high cost of living 2 incomes are pretty well required in order to have even an "average" life style. Unfortunately the Disabled arent see as potential contributors by the majority of people.

Society is becoming more and more shallow as well. People judge others on the basis of physical beauty, and even judge them by how "hot" their dates or partners are. How many times have you heard some guy bragging about how beautiful and sexy his GF is? It apparently give him some kind of status with his peers.

Again unfortunately I have never heard a Disabled person described as "hot" or "sexy". Even if your disability is an invisible one most of us struggle enough just getting out there that really working it just takes too much energy!

Also being disabled means finding that person who is willing to make compromises and adjustments to your situation and we live in a very selfish, self-centred society.

The divorce rate among Disabled women is very high. I hate to say it but men just dont seem to be that "accomodating".

Concentrate on being an interesting person to talk to, make a point of keeping up on local and national events, find some hobbies - you are more likely to meet someone at a photography group for example then in a pub or club. It helps to have a common interest rather then rely on meeting someone in a social situation where there is a lot of competition, and the goal is "hooking up".

Do be careful about the type of person who preys on vulnerable people and seeks out Disabled or disadvantaged women to exploit.

I hope someday you do meet someone but in the meantime dont judge yourself on your lack of dates, or dating appeal. Dont try too hard, just go out, have fun and if it happens, it happens. It can be lonely without someone special in your life but count your blessings, all the friends you have etc. and DONT go out there looking and asking desperate !

Join groups, clubs, take an evening class. Just having something in common to talk about, having something to contribute will be an ice breaker for you. Take small steps, like meeting for coffee afterwards to discuss whatever is relevant to the group - and who knows where it could go?

Answer 7

Try posting on several online sites. You can tell them you are an amputee up front - but that it doesn't slow you down. Or you can wait until several emails back and forth before you let them know.

Answer 8

I am not playing the dating game.

May be find something you enjoy doing for finding a suitable friend. It should just start as a friendship and then grow like a little tree.

Answer 9

I don't have the kind of relationships to which you are referring because I have a social mental retardation so I can't grasp the level of love that a husband and wife share all I can understand is the love that friends and family (such as child toward a parent, sibling, or cousin) so I don't bother because I will never understand it and it makes me very uncomfortable to try to.

Answer 10

I hear ya. I am a big guy my self, and none of the ladies, except the fat ones chase me. I am just not some one, who is turned on by big ladys.
do your date sight profiles, yahoo has a 360 site. At least make it known out there, that your avilable.