we have been together for four and a half years. live with him up to his time of death for two years. had a open , fun relationship that most yong people dont have . he literally spoils me.his mother fills most of the gap but i cant get over him, she really loves me. i still ives with her & im in our room.
2007-05-30 05:27:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Don't suppress the tears or avoid the pain. This is something you must go through. Do not let others try and convince you that it is time to move on.
I help facilitate a grief support group at my church. We use a program that brings people together who are in various stages of their grief. Some have been grieving for several years. I suggest you find such a group in your area.
Try "griefshare.org" to find one near you.
2007-05-30 05:36:23 · answer #1 · answered by lunatic 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, first of all I am sorry to hear about your horrible loss and the grief you must feel at every second of every day!
One thing that I noticed about your post is that you talk about him in the present still. "We HAVE been together" "he SPOILS me" all in the present tense! Thats a HUGE sign that you are in NO WAY close to "getting over him!"
Others have suggested it and I would have to agree. You NEED to move out and get your own place. Not because its the "right" thing to do or because youve been grieving "long enough" or whatever..... but you and his mother are FEEDING off one another! You are not only keeping his spirit alive.. but you are keeping the GRIEF NEW and FRESH!! You are actually doing more damage to one another then good. You both need time to HEAL in your own ways.
Heres a perfect example: Say you have gone to work and have had a DECENT day (not a good one as can be expected) but you have gone a 1/2 hour here and there without being CONSUMED by grief. You are actually feeling like you can BREATHE for once in quite a while. Then you go home and his mother is in tears.... ALL the feelings that you have come rushing back and you ALSO fall in a pile on the floor and cry alongside her!!
You can flip it too..... His mom having a halfway ok day comes home to find YOU not handling it well..... all those emotions boil up to the top and she cant keep them away any more then you can!
Like I said.. you are FEEDING off once another. You NEED to distance yourself so that you BOTH have time to breathe!! So you arent CONSTANTLY in a state of grief! Where its OK if you have a good day! You arent going to feel like you are BETRAYING his mother by smiling every now and then if shes not there to see it! And once you stop feeling GUILTY for TRYING to move on.. you will little by little stop feeling like you are betraying HIM by moving on as well. And you WILL be able to let go! He will ALWAYS have a special place in your heart, your memory and your life.. but it WILL get easier!
Its not going to happen any faster though by staying in a state of permanent grief!!
Good luck to you and his mother and I hope that BOTH of you find the peace you need..... you KNOW he already has!!
2007-05-30 12:50:23 · answer #2 · answered by Kat J 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Maybe you won't want to hear this but you need to move on. You are young and have your life ahead of you. Staying in the room that the two of you shared and living with his mom is not moving on. If you are not ready to start dating again, that's fine but you do need to get out and be amongst other people. You need to find things to do that will get you involved with living again. This doesn't mean that you need to forget your boyfriend, just that you need to come to the place where you realize that you still have a life to live- live being the key word.
2007-05-30 12:42:56 · answer #3 · answered by cynjo59 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here is my personal experaince I know it is nothing like what you are going through but maybe it will help at least to ease your mind to know that your not alone.
My sister is 9 years older then myself, at the time I was just turned 17 and my sister was 26. She was married and I lived with her and her husband to finsih out my high school and try to get into a good college. She was more then a sister she was my best friend and she practically raised me due to my mother working night shifts and sleeping throughout the day.
She got killed in a car accident (well she was on a bicycle and a car hit her). It was tough and I thought bad thoughts and went down the wrong path and I'm thanking God still today people were there that loved me enough to put me back on track even though my goals were altered and I joined the Military and I have no regrets I love what I do. But anyways...it was hard on me because everywhere I turned there was things there that constantly remined me of her (which you always want those memories they help you move on and it will give you a second consence because I ask myself what she would do in my situation) but when all is still fresh and you have to do whats best and for me I crawled before I ran, I moved out and back in with my parents.
Its been 3 years on May 8th 2007 (it happened a day before Mothers day and 5 days before her 5th year anniversy) and it still hurts and I will never completely heal from it but I know she is still with me and I have people around me that loves me and helps me cope with everyday life and I know its hard but you have to get back out there and live life that is what he and everyone else will want you to do. And when and if you are ready to date that will be your call and remeber you have to crawl before you walk and walk before you run. And you have to live like he is still there untill the day you wil get to be with him again. If you ever want to chat feel free to message or e-mail me. I hope this helps and sorry for your loss.
2007-05-30 13:06:07 · answer #4 · answered by ~Army*Chick~ 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You may want to talk with your local pastor (if you are religious). S/he is used to dealing with difficult subjects such as this, & will do everthing in their power to help you out.
Check to see if there is a support group available for widows/SO in your area. You may want to ask the local churches or funeral homes, since like I said above, they have many links to groups to help you cope. If you have a personal therapist, then they may know of groups like this as well.
You may also want to take up a journal to record your feelings & memories of your time together. Sometimes you need to let your emotions out onto a more personal place in order to start the healing process. There are lots of books available that give many great suggestions.
I'm sorry for your loss. My uncle passed recently, & my family is going through a similar grieving process, especially his wife. These are just some of the ways my family is dealing with this, and I hope that some of them work for you. Just remember, everyone heals in their own way. Don't feel pressured to do anything in order to please other people. This is your pain, and you don't have to share it if you do not want to.
2007-05-30 12:40:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You will never get over it however, it's only been eight months and you're still mourning. All I can say is, you'll just have to take one day at a time.
You are probably still going through the routine of living and then one day, who knows when it'll be, you'll wake up and although you'll never forget your guy, it will begin to hurt less and less.
I am so sorry for your loss. (((hugs))).
2007-05-30 12:37:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
To get over, you got to move out of that place. The memories are all there. His mom loves you becos you are there to fill the missing gap. You must face the truth that he is gone forever. You gotta move on.
2007-05-30 12:38:25 · answer #7 · answered by greentea 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this is tough. It is not going to be easy to forget him and to move on. Don't date anyone yet, nor let anyone force you into dating anyone yet. You'll love him forever and that is never going to go away but I do suggest that you move out...baby steps girl, baby steps. I'm not telling you to forget about him, I'm just suggesting that you start off slowly. Move out and get your own place by yourself....then you will slowly regain being independent. You can still be with his family and do what do now but like I said baby steps.
2007-05-30 12:36:21 · answer #8 · answered by Green eyed Senorita 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should visit his cemetary and think about him often but go out with your friends and have a good time because if you think about it thats probablly what he would have wanted.
2007-05-30 12:45:18 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋