I've done a bad thing...?

Question

OK, I'm sure I deserve being berated or scolded for this, but after you're finished doing so, please help with any advice you feel you can give.

I really really really want a child, and my husband doesn't. I have an IUD. I had it removed today. (We moved recently and I saw a new ob/gyn for the first time.) The doctor is under the assumption that I don't want kids, and I felt too much shame to tell the truth--that I was having it removed without telling my husband. I told him I wanted it out because of heavy/painful menstrual periods (which is true, actually, but that's not the main reason). He (the doctor) said that we needed to talk about another form of birth control, but to use another method in the mean time, and come back in two weeks to have routine bloodwork and make a decision about birth control. In the event I do become pregnant, what do I tell my doctor and my husband? My husband will prob. want to attend my prenatal appts. and I'm terrified that my ob/gyn will

say something like, "See--after you had your IUD removed, you didn't use another birth control, did you?" My husband would hit the roof and my doctor would know I lied. What do I do? Tell my husband my IUD fell out, and tell my doctor the truth, but swear him to secrecy or what? Please don't judge too harshly--my husband never made it known to me until recently that he wants NO kids--so it's not like I saw this coming.

Talking with my husband will do no good as we've talked about this numerous tiems in the past. He can give me no other reason other than he doesn't want the responsibility of a child. He's not 18--he's a grown man in his 30s. He doesn't want to be "burdened" with a child, and nothing I say or do will change his mind. (Trust me--I've tried.)

Answer 1

If your husband never wants kids, then you should do the mature thing (which is the hardest) and decide if you want to stay married to his man and childless, or divorce him and move on-hopefully finding a man what wants a family.

You are making not only a life choice for yourself (which is fine), but are forcing your husband to accept something which he does not want (which is not fine).

In my mind, it's the equivalent of rape (a man forcing a life changing event on you).

I think that if your husband were to find out, he would be justified in filing for divorce, and then you would be stuck being a single mom with a resentful ex-husband.

Put the IUD back in, or go on an alternate method of birth control until you and your husband can reach a MUTUAL decision.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I would first wait to see if you are actually pregnant or not. Second, I would tell your husband right away that you had your IUD removed and why. I would also be very honest with your husband that you want kids. This is a very major issue and could cause a rift in your marriage if you are not honest with each other. Having a baby with you is his descision to, I don't think the way you are going about this is the best way. I would talk to your husband, tell him how you feel...maybe if he sees how badly you want a child, he will change his mind. As for your doctor, who cares what he thinks - and you can tell him that you are thinking you might want to have kids, so hold off on everything. Be honest....Good luck

Answer 3

First off let me say I think the worst thing you've done in this situation is not being honest with your husband in the first place about kids being a non-compromising issue with you.

Secound of all, why would you feel shame because someone else assumes you don't want kids?

Third, it's your decision to have kids, and unfournately (for some people) we as human beings have the right, legally and every other way to change our minds about if and when we want kids (or more kids as the case may be).

Your doctor said to come back and "make a decision about BC" you can decided to forgo the BC.

Your doctor is bound by patient-doctor confidentiality which makes it illegal for him to disclose any information to anyone except you without your permission.

This is your doctor (someone you NEED to be honest with) and your husband (someone you should be honest with). Tell your doctor the truth and tell your husband. If having children is really a issue with you either try to get your husband to say yes, spend your life childless, or divorce him those are your choices.

It's simple.

Answer 4

Your Doctor will not lie for you, but I doubt seriously that he would bring up removing the IUD with your husband in the room, they usually know how you got pregnant. I would tell your husband it is not fair that he waits until after you are married that he has decided HE doesn't want kids. You need to work out a solution, otherwise you may end up a single mom, are you able to support yourself and a child? It is not fair to trap someone, he may take out resentment on the child, can you handle the guilt of that? Honesty all the way round is the only answer, you have to take the child's feelings into account before you put an unwanted pregnancy on someone!

Answer 5

I would be honest and tell him what you did before you do accidentaly/purposely get pregnant, explain to him how much you want a baby but after you removed the IUD you realized how wrong it was to go behind his back to have a baby. I would only give you sh1t if you go ahead with this crazy plan. Your husband will probably be mad at first but if he really loves you he will calm down and should be happy you told him...but you need to talk about it. Just think of the problems ahead if your do get pregnant and your husband ends up resenting you for it...there could be bigger consequences than you are willing to face. If the two of you can not come to an agreement about kids...then maybe you need to go your seperate ways so that you can find someone who shares your desire for children. You really need to talk to him. It's in the best interests of both of you and you potential future children...you don't want to have your future children feel unwanted by their father do you??? TALK and be HONEST. It's the best thing you can do. Good Luck to you.

ADD:

If he doesn't want kids and you can't change his mind...either you have to deal with that and not have kids or leave him and find someone who does...he might resent you and the baby if you do this without his consent and then you will be f@#$ng up your life and the life of your baby...not worth it.

Answer 6

If you do get pregnant, your doctor has no right to mention the IUD removal to your husband. That information is covered under HIPPA, but I would mention it when the pregnancy is confirmed, that you do not want this discussed.

If it were me, I'd wait to tell your hubby for a while (just tell him you didn't think there was any way you could be pregnant, so you didn't go in right away), then once you tell him, wait until he gets over the intial shock before letting him go to the doctor with you.

The ideal situation is to discuss this with hubby now and just let him know why you had it done, and if he wants to prevent a pregnancy, he'll have to do it himself (like using condoms). If he won't do that, he must want a baby!

Good luck and don't think I'm advocating lying to your husband, but it's every womans right to bear the child of the man they love!

Answer 7

I'm not going to scold you because I'm not your mother, I'm your friend. First thing to do is explain to your husband that you were having a hard period and no longer wanted the IUD and had it removed. Second, you need to be honest with your husband that you would like to have children now. He may feel the same way and didn't want to voice it in concern of how you would react and feel. If he doesn't want kids ask him why. Have him explain to you why he doesn't want to have them and you explain to him why you would like to have the joy of raising children.

Your doctor is not suppose to discuss anything with him. You could switch doctors. Telling your husband that you chose to find a new one due to feeling uncomfortable or such. That way there was no way he could find discussion with the previous dr. However, I reccomend you have the 'lets be honest talk with him'. BTW, it's no matter to your doctor whether you want to have children or not. It's your decision. Your Husband however, has a lil more say about it.

Answer 8

You need to be honest with your husband. If you really can not come to an agreement on kids, you may end up in divorce. But how much worse would it be if you lied to him, and then had a child? Now you might end up in divorce with a child in the middle-much much worse.

Tell him you had it taken out (for whatever reason, discomfort, doctor's suggestion etc) but you still respect his position on children. Talk about it a lot and don't let yourself get pregnant until you can agree. Having a baby changes everything about life, it is entirely unfair to make that decision for your husband if that is not what he wants. You are literally talking about ruining the hopes and dreams of a man you love just to fulfill your own desires.

Tell Him!!!

Answer 9

Well u could always get the pill or something and say u have been taking it,knowone has to know the truth n then that way nothing can slip out at the doctors etc. i think it all depends on the reasons yr husband doesnt want kids but maybe you just need to think about what you want overall and wether your husband can give you this or if he is the person you really should be with??????

Answer 10

Tell your husband you had it removed. Tell him you went to the obgyn for the heavy menstrual periods and pain, and that he removed it promptly for fear of infection (which is possible). Also, it is only up to your husband to provide the birth control if he is the one who does not want children. He must either get a vasectomy or wear condoms. Tell your husband you expect him to be responsible for it, and that is it. He knows the repercussions. You absolutely cannot NOT tell him though. Then your baby will conceived deceitfully, and i can tell that would tear you up inside. Also, don't expect your husband to love the baby. He will be resentful of it and you and your marriage will fail. If you don't care about the marriage as much as the baby, then get out and have a baby with someone else. You will be on your own soon after conception anyway. Hope this helps some