what's a girl to do??

Question

looking for kind, helpfull advice...expecting my 1st child in the fall...my partner decided to run out...left to do this all alone...should i try and make contact with him and keep him up2date with the progress, do i go out of my way to try and reason with him? do i just sit back and let him make a turn around? thanks to many others from my past who have spread nasty rumours about me..he doubts he is the father...HE IS...there was no one else.....i have had to buy everything myself so far and am financially straped...also seeking info on paternity testing..how does it work..where do u go....he made promises in the beginning that he has broke and i am not sure he will be there to support his child....this town is very small and i am sure one day i will run into him or his family.....not sure what to expect....do i call him when i go into labour??

Answer 1

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I was in your shoes 7 years ago, so I can relate to all the stress that you are going through right now. First and foremost, you have to come to the realization that the father will not be there for you. Do not chase after him, or try to reason with him. He made his choice. It doesn't sound like he will believe you until a paternity test is done. If he cared about you in the least, he would make an effort to stand by you, instead of listening to people whose only intent is to sabotage you. It's a very juvenile reaction to a very mature situation, don't you think? I honestly feel sorry for him, because he has chosen to deny this child and not be a part of his/her life. When I was pregnant, I had a friend who went to lamaze with me and was there for me during the delivery. I leaned on her throughout my pregnancy, when I was an emotional wreck, and she really helped me through the whole process. I hope you have people in your life to lean on, because you will need them :o) You need to be strong for you and your unborn child - you CAN do this on your own. Take it one day at a time and focus on the miracle that is growing inside of you. He/she is proof that you are never alone, and there will always be someone who adores you unconditionally.
What to expect with paternity testing -
After the baby is born, go down to the Dept of Child Services (or social services) and file for child support. They will initiate a court order for a paternity test (at no cost to you). When the test comes back positive, they will order him to pay child support. He may or may not request a court order for visitation (completely separate from child support). That is a bridge you will have to cross as you come to it. I'm sure you won't be able to avoid him and his family around town. Hold your head up high and always be polite, but keep on walking. You can't change who they are, but you can maintain your own dignity. Try not to stress about it. Focus on staying calm and stress-free for your health and your baby. Good luck, and email me if you need to talk. :o)

Answer 2

It breaks my heart to read about your situation.

I would leave open the option that the father of your child might make a turn around but it more likely he's a lost cause. If he has broken promises and left you alone at a time like this he's either very immature or totally untrustworthy. In either case he has earn his place back into your life and just being the bio-dad isn't enough. I he won't that responsibility now don't expect him to be there when going really gets tough.

You need to focus straight ahead and concentrate on the birth of your child. Everything you do from here on in should be centered on yourself and the child.

What was done to you and your child is wrong but there's very little justice available. Proving he's the father can be an empty victory if he's the kind of loser who will not even financially support the child. The effort to get him to pay might not be worth the effort. Some overgrown boys have gone to extremes to avoid paying any child support.

Saddly one woman I knew figured out that all the work, effort and time she spent to get her ex to pay up on his court ordered child support was the same as working a part time job for less than minimum wage. In so may ways you might be better off cutting the father of your child loose and moving on with your life. It isn't right but it might be your best choice.

If I were you I would talk to a lawyer. A few states do offer a woman some legal protection and even possibly pay for the paternity test. I would not call him when it time to have the baby, if he doesn't see what he has to do now, then it's too late. As far as seeing him and his family in the future if they don't help you before the child is born, then write them off. As far as I'm concerned they've abandoned one of their and given up any rights to the child.

Answer 3

I had just turned 16 when I had my daughter, and her father stuck around... for a couple of months, now he doesn't call, has never been to any of her birthday parties(she just turned 6), and just doesn't care, but it is her father, and even though I can't stand him for being a lousy one... I still keep him up to date. I still send him every single birthday invitation, and Christmas invitation, pictures and etc... Not because I care about him! I want my daughter to know when she gets older that I love her and I did everything I could so that she could have a relationship with him, or at least know him. As far as the paternity testing goes, if you're getting any medical help from the state you're in then they normally require that the father help support the child (child support), and they will take a portion if not all of what he pays, but if you tell them who the father is they will also order (and pay for) a paternity test, so that they can get that child support, and you don't look like the bad guy, cause you're not even the one that went after him and you're not the one getting the money from him... the state is, so that his child could have medical care! I would call him when you go into labor, but don't get your hopes up and think he will actually be their. I would just do it so later on you can say that you tried. My daughter has a wonderful step-father now that's been around since she was a year old, and she loves him and knows him more than she does her real father. It can only get better right? You've got to look to the bright side, if not for yourself for your baby, being stressed isn't going to help either of you. I wouldn't try reasoning with him, you'll probably just be wasting your breath and getting all worked up. I would just keep him updated, and then when the paternity test comes back... he can look like the fool, and then maybe he will come around, and if not... your child deserves better, so start looking!

Answer 4

You leave him. If he wants to come back and be responsible he will. Nothing you can say or do can make him come back. For now it sounds like your on your own. Unless you can find someone else. I don't envy the work you have in front of you and I'm very happy by the fact you are not considering murdering the kid, a.k.a abortion. Besides why would you want to try and bring someone back who ran out on you? If he can't even step up to the plate and do what he needs to do (raise his OWN child, then what makes you think he will stick around when the times get a little tough). I'm pretty sure you will find some else some day. Maybe not even till the kid is already born. Just please be careful of who you meet and where. You are a single woman on her own and some horny teen at the bar might want to take advantage of that. Don't meet guys at the bar. You should never go to the bar looking for a good dependable guy. Raise that child good. Stay focused on what is best for you and your child. Don't worry about anything else.
All the best.

Answer 5

If he wants nothing to do with your child, so be it.
He'll miss out.

Get things in order for child support and get a paternity test set up ASAP. In any city, look in the yellow pages. Any major city has a clinic set up to do it- I am sure there's one within an hour or so of your location. They're not cheap, but neither is a baby- especially all on your own. The cheapest time to do it is before you give birth- after, you may not have the cash at all!

If he's not ready, you can't make him be. If you trap him into the relationship before he's ready to commit, you'll just be putting yourself and your child through uncertainty and possibly a second abandonment.

Until this is resolved- DO NOT let him back into your pants- no matter what promises he makes.

Answer 6

If he isn't being supportive now I wouldn't trouble yourself to be informative to him or try to give him updates. Once you have the baby you should contact him and let him know the sex of the baby, birthday, weight, etc. and what you have named the baby. Your ob-gyn can probably give you the information on paternity testing and once the baby is born you should tell him where to go for paternity testing and let the hospital know a paternity test needs to be done so they can draw blood from the baby when doing other tests. If your boyfriend refuses to have a paternity test done you will need to go to a court and have it order him to do it. If you are positive he is the father I would stand firm and insist that the test be done and that he pay child support, he needs to accept responsibility for his actions (when he had sex with you he knew what could happen - its a fact of life). Maybe you could contact some of the parenting groups in the phone book for some support and help during this very special time in your life. I wish you best of luck and God's blessings.

Answer 7

If he's questioning whether or no he's the father, get a paternity test done, the sooner the better. I can understand his doubts, mama's baby for sure, father's maybe. Once you get the test result and he's the father, immediately file for child support, and he will have to pay for back child support. Don't take his word for it or him buying little things here and there as a compensation for child support. Taking care of even one child is a financial burden, and especially for single parents. You can go to your local courts and petition them for a DNA test. Go on Maury, he gives free paternity test, another person that comes to mind is Judge Hatchett. Or you can pay out of pocket to get the test, but it's very expensive. Be careful who you get into bed with, and always use protection. Don't let him off the hook with the child support thing, your child deserves that money and it will also help you out. Beside it takes two to make a child, and two to care for them, equally. Good luck!!!

Answer 8

I'm sorry he left and my best advice would be to try and talk with him and let him know that what he hears is no reason to back out and it sounds like he is looking for away out,maybe fear of being a father has set in give him time in the mean while go to your local child support enforcement office upon the delivery of your baby and give them all his information while it's still fresh in your mind.once they send him the paper work for child support payments he can then request a paternity test,but he will be responsible for paying for the test it runs about $150.00.Good luck and being a mother is the most rewarding thing I've every done in my life.

Answer 9

1st of all ...you deserve better then scum like him.If your smart and wise and Intellegent then you'll have no problem forgetting about him and moving on 2nd)I hope you know You can got to court and get a peternity test demanding to prove he's the father then get him into court for child spousal support 3)If he believes rumors over you then that's his porogitive - men are scum -so go on with your life( thinking positively) but at the same tim keep him updated- let him know he can still make the right choice ... try and make him see right from wrong - his thinking is judegmental- he is acting before getting all the facts but men can't help thinking that way. If you have family on your side you may think of asking for their help an support and love in this time of need.

Answer 10

He's a coward and a rotten person. You can't force someone to be a parent but you can force him to provide support. Have a DNA test after the baby is born and file for child support. I would stay away from him. He will cause you nothing but grief. I doubt that he will even want to see the child. You made a huge mistake in having a child out of wedlock, especially with a loser like him.