How can we fix things for our daughter?

Question

I confronted my husband yesterday about his ongoing affair and lying. We agreed our relationship is over and we will be getting a divorce.

Our daughter is angry and wanted to confront the mistress. Against better judgement, my husband took our daugther to confront his mistress. He allowed her to say everything she was feeling about how she messed up our marriage and was mad at her father. She told her father she wants nothing to do with him, if he continues in a relationship with the mistress. The mistress said that she needs to have a relationship with her father, and she will not be in their home when she wants to visit. She said she never had to see her or talk to her again, but she should have a relationship with her dad.

Our daughter is upset about everything and I don't know how we can fix things for her. Maybe she never should have been involved, but it is too late now. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

You are right your daughter should never have been involved but that is water under the bridge now.

You can let your daughter know that you made a mistake and should never have allowed her to vent on the mistress. As your relationship is not the mistresses responsiblity it was your husbands!

You also need to let your daughter know that the relationship between you and her father was not her responsibility and there was nothing she could do to have destroyed it nor is there anything she can do to fix it.

You should also be sure to reinforce that your daughter although she may not like her fathers actions nor particularly "like him" much right now. He is an adult and she needs to be respectful. This does not mean that she needs to respect him right now since he has blown that to bits at this point but being respectful is a completely different thing.

She should not be forced to be with her dad if she truly does not want to but you need to encourage a relationship. She will one day want her dad in her life.

Also be sure not to EVER speak ill of your husband or the mistress in front of your daughter or where she may hear you. You need to be the example that she will emulate. A strong and self respecting woman that does not talk poorly about others choices.

Just be sure to remind her that the only water that any of us can walk on is frozen!! None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.....albiet some bigger and more harmful that others!!

Answer 2

Get her therapy. You shouldn't have had her go confront the mistress. Now if they end up married your daughter will be estranged from her father, possibly forever. My father had an affair and he ultimately married her. If my parents would have done what you did, I may have never been able to look at the woman again, even when my anger subsided, I would have always blamed her for my fathers actions. Then I would have never gotten to know my dad, who died 6 years ago. He was a good man, even if my parents didn't stay together, that had nothing to do with me. She is angry, but it's not the mistresses fault, it's your husbands. He should have taken the full brunt of her anger and not passed to buck to the other woman. I would get her into intensive therapy now. She has a lot of rage and it needs to be dealt with. You also need to keep your negative opinions about him to yourself and don't talk to her about it. You need to reinforce her relationship with her dad. He may be an @ss in your mind, but he is still her father and he needs to be a part of her life. You should both apologize to her, and let her know it was handled wrong and your husband should step up and take the blame. Then get family and individual therapy to help her through this very difficult process.

Answer 3

Although your daughter had good intentions it was not her place to confront this lady but whats done is done. This is going to take some time for her and dad to work things out and the confrontation didnt help anything. All you can do now is be there for her wen she wants to talk this out with you but dont force the issue as it will appear that youre agreeing with the whole mess. If you can afford it you might want to get her some professional help real quick so she can vent the feelings she has inside before they go too deep. She needs to get rid of these feelings now and most children will tell all to a listening stranger. Dad needs to stay out of the picture for awhile as his presence will only compound her feelings toward him. This really isnt an impossible situation right now but its just going to take some time to return somewhat near normal again. At least the other girl spoke good advice to her but coming from her they wont carry much weight with your daughter. Be patient with her and just let her know youll be there if and when she wants to talk and if she does,dont you put dad down even though you want to very much,she wont need any help tearing dad apart. Keeping her occupied will help her recover more quickly by keeping her mind off dad and the pending divorce. Although this probably wont be easy, its going to be up to you to hold all this together for awhile. Please feel free to contact me if I can be of any assistance at [e-mail] Good luck

Answer 4

It sounds like you have very different philosophies about raising children, which is something you should have discussed before your were married, before you had a child, and while you were pregnant. But what is done is done. To keep the peace, I would encourage you let you husband temporarily handle situations his way for things that do no pose any harm or threat to your child. Then get once of those What to expect books, go to some online sites, speak to other parents, and ask your husband what he thinks about a certain issue. During the next doctor visit have your husband go with you and ask for a professional opinion. Keep in mind that bringing an infant home causes stress to the family and puts a strain on the marriage and it is somewhat normal. In the meantime…use birth control!

Answer 5

Counselling for ALL of you will help with this transition. If your daughter sees you coming to terms with it that will also help.
This situation is very new. Your daughter may accept it one day and she may not. At least the mistress is being reasonable and not demanding access your daughter so she can play family. It is hard to believe that you can have a divorce settlement that won't involve visitation for your ex. Your daughter will HAVE TO visit him. Visiting him without the mistress present will be much easier.

Answer 6

You didn't say how old your daughter is, but it definitely sounds as if she is a teenager. The emotional maturity of her age will determine how much this affects her. If you notice signs of depression, like laying in bed on a Saturday, etc., then get her to a psychologist.
But! haha...I am so glad your daughter was able to vent her feelings directly at the people she is angry at, a rare chance indeed in this type of situation.
I hope it made the mistress feel like shite. I hope it made your husband feel that way too. Realize that your daughter being allowed to vent how she felt to this woman was empowering to her, and remind your daughter of that. Listen to her and let her talk to you a lot about how she feels, but try to restrain some of your own anger, she needs to have some kind of a relationship with her father in the future.

Answer 7

Kool !! Your daughter needed to get something off her chest and she of all people in this circle of trauma is the one most entitled to be allowed to do so. Where all others are concerned, they are parties to this and need to remember the injustices the children face with no defence and no concept of why. Many blame themselves to the point of drastic personality change.
This is a time to honor your daughters right to express herself at least until the vibration/passion/fury passes and all the players can look at it in a balanced way ( If if if )
This cannot be fixed, but with good role modelling a wise parent can turn all this tragedy into a powerful learning experience which your daughter can carry with her as a tool of advantage in the game of relationships and parenting.

Answer 8

Why don't you just explain to your daughter WHY her father went looking for another woman? If a man goes for another woman, it means something's missing in his marriage, which cannot only depend on his own mistakes...you must have some sort of responsibility too for the end of your marriage. You should have taken your daughter and talked to her; blaming her father for this divorce, giving him 100% of the guilt is WRONG; just because your ego got hurt, you cannot turn her against her own father; you should have thought of your daughter first instead of choosing your pride instead; remember that only when a parent USES his/her position to put preassure on his/her kid, that kid overreacts. Your daughter got mad at her father because you didn't act like a thoughtful mother. Try to fix the mess you made before it's too late.

Answer 9

Your daughter could really benefit from counseling. Her father needs to get a grip on reality and grow up! I don't care how old she is, she should not be involved in adult matters! You need to become more involved with what is going on.

Answer 10

Wow, My 1st question would be how old is your daughter?

She needs counciling no matter what age. Her anger at everyone involved is going to make full circle and she needs to be able to have someone to talk to about her feelings