She was 14 years old and got raped by her dad. We have been together for about 8 months and she just now told me. What do you think i should/should not do?
Any personal experiences?
2007-05-30 02:33:18 · 18 answers · asked by gandg 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
This happened roughly 4 years ago, she is now almost 19
2007-05-31 08:20:46 · update #1
just be there for you when she needs you and don't make a big deal about it. because that will make her feel worthless (i know, i was sexually abused, and am now adopted). good luck.oh and also don't try to get to far with her sexually. some girls after being abused feel worthless and sleep around, others, like me, are shy around boys, and still feels worthless. respect her and her body. tell her she's beautiful and gorgeous, not hot and sexy. and never try to "make a move". more talk and less action. get to know the real her, not just her body (even though you don't seem like the kind of guy that would do that anyway). good luck, i appreciate what you're doing for her/
2007-05-30 02:36:35 · answer #1 · answered by Me, Myself, and I 1 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Gandg,
I'm no expert on this, but based on knowing several women who suffered the same thing, I can tell you what I do know based on what they have told me.
Don't dwell on it all the time and bring it up to them. For example, she may very well have intimacy issues. If she does, be patient and caring, but sometimes she may just not be in the mood, like anybody else. Try and remember this because, although she knows you care, and her situation is always in the back of her mind, she doesn't need it brought to the forefront unnecessarily. In other words, if she needs to talk, she'll bring it up. Having a caring attitude without saying anything specific is more beneficial than saying "oh baby, I know something is getting to you, and I think I know what it is". Clearly, you have already been available and someone she wants to trust with this so trust that when she wants to talk, she will.
Don't treat her as if she were fragile. Be kind and sensitive as you were before, but continue to kid with her, and joke, and call her on it if she gives you a hard time. In other words, act normal. If you don't, no matter how subtle it is, she can tell, and it will make her feel weird inside.
Tell her if she needs counseling or professional guidance of some kind, that you are supportive of that, but if she doesn't want to go, then don't push it. Some people get things resolved as best as possible in their own minds without someone that didn't experience it going through it with them trying to help 10 or 20 or 30 yrs down the road. Other's simply don't want to pull it up out of their memory any more than they have to.
Be patient with things that may be harsh reminders that may seem unreasonable in a normal relationship, but in this case, may make sense. For example - she may be ok in the physical relationship most of the time, but perhaps certain things make her queasy. Avoid these things always. Ask her sometime when she is already talking if there are any things that fall into this category.
good luck
- Kevin
2007-05-30 02:49:43 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A lot depends on her and her immediate family. This was rape or long term incest?
The real damage is to a persons self esteem. If her dad had enough control and influence to do this and keep her quiet then its possible her levels of self confidence are lower then normal.
If SHE feels that you can both benefit from counseling then go for it. BTW: Hers is the final decision in this.
Telling you about it is a MAJOR step for her. Be supportive and don't pressure her. Empower her and help her gain that self esteem.
Good luck to you both.
BTW : What the law says and what the law does are different matters. He is unlikely to bother her again because she has you. Incestuous dads usually stop when the girl gets a full time partner.
What would concern me now is the presence of other, younger sisters.
2007-05-30 02:41:57 · answer #3 · answered by philip_jones2003 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She has until her 21st birthday and in some states she has 5 years from her 21st birthday to file criminal charges against her dad. I suggest she talk to a district attorney or a police investigator because if he raped her he could possibly rape again. It's the law of average. She should also get professional counseling to help deal with the trauma associated with rape. I would suggest a rape crisis counselor who knows of ways to deal with the aftermath of such trauma.
2007-05-30 02:37:31 · answer #4 · answered by Georgia Preacher 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I have to encourage you to just be there for her let here know that you are there for her if she wants to talk.Let me share something very personal with you.
I was 3 years old when I was molested.I am 18 now and the gfuy Iam with is the brother of the guy who molested me.I told my boyfriend what his brother has done and he was so heartbroken about it. Now we are able to talk about this openly.He is a great guy and I really love him.
Just be there for her be extra sensitive towards her feelings.
Take care.
2007-05-31 08:02:13 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i was 11 my brother thought i was sleeping and he touched me.. i was too scared to even move or react and i just let it sleep. since that day until today im scared to sleep near him if when i do .. i just don't sleep.
no one in my family or even my friends know about this.. only my boyfriend of almost a year.. (and I'm only telling you this because it is hard to deal with these kind of issues.. ) but i would recommend you to not force her to do any sexual activities because she may still be very much affected by it.. specially if it's recent.. but either way even it's being a really long time since that.. she could easily still traumatized which i think is very normal.
i think that you should not judge her.. don't make her talk about it if she doesn't want to.
it would be very good to talk about how she feels, how she felt (but trust me it's hard) ... be there for her all the time and tell her you love her and you care very much how she feels.
Good luck and i really hope that i was of any help
2007-05-30 02:44:06 · answer #6 · answered by acbmjbg 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
No personal experience but as a woman and that happened to me, I clearly wouldn't want to talk about it. If she opens up to you and talks about then talk to her but I wouldn't say anything in depth unless she asks. If she does, simply say what comes from your heart, don't rehearse it. Make sure you let her know that you're there for her though and that everything will be okay now and you're not going to let anything happen to her. To reassure a girl will make her feel so safe with you.
2007-05-30 02:57:03 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
when she needs to talk be there for her this is a big deal for her to tell you. dont rush in to having sex with her my sister was raped when she was 8/9 and she is now really scared that when she finds someone and goes for it with them she will shout out for the person who raped her to get off. you just have to respect what she needs and what she says. good luck
2007-05-30 03:04:39 · answer #8 · answered by mummy to 3 miracles 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, how long ago did it happen?
But really, you have to respect her boundaries, you should resepct any girls boundries but. i had friend who was raped, and she became very sensitive when guys wouldnt listen to her answers, no matter what it was about.
if your girlfriend wants to talk, she'll talk.
dont push her too it
2007-05-30 13:23:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
you have to be there for her cause she did'nt have a real childhood and had no choice but to give up her virginity.
you shouldn't talk about it alot and just try to help her gain her innocense back and be there for her.
don't push the fact the she had sex with her dad and try to make her feel like se's worth sumthing cause I bet she feels like she let you down and uncomfortable about it so try to comfort her in her time of name
2007-05-30 02:51:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋