My fiance and I have been together for almost 7 years. We are getting married in July. I've had problems in my past with alcohol since my dad is an alcoholic and when we first started dating I was upfront about it. We made an agreement to not drink alcohol when we're not together. After being sweet and honest to me for the past 7 years, he recently drank with the guys on the way home from work and then lied straight to my face when I smelled his alcohol breath. Now it seems like our relationship is falling apart. He promised he wouldn't do it again, but he stays away with the guys for work a couple of days a week (their motel is right next to a bar/club). I just feel like I don't believe him when he says he isn't drinking. We are supposed to be getting married in 5 weeks and I don't know what to do anymore I love him with all of my heart but I just can't seem to trust him anymore since he lied to me. Has anyone been through this before and how did it work out?
2007-05-30 02:26:03 · 37 answers · asked by sundragonjess 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm not an alcoholic. My dad used to come home drunk every night and I don't want my husband to be doing that.
2007-05-30 02:40:09 · update #1
I understand what you are saying. The drinking while not together was something that you both agreed upon and he went against that. Not drinking with the guys is a good preventative measure for him to distinguish right from wrong and being of sound mind when he is out with the guys. If this is an issue with you than it is and you have your reasons. He probably drank with the guys to fit in with the crowd or they may have bought him rounds and did not want to refuse them after they were bought? I would just sit him down and in a loving way find out why he did it when you agreed not to. I would not let this ruin the upcoming marriage though unless he is running a pattern and doing all of the time. If he says he won't do it anymore than you have to trust him untill he proves otherwise. Best wishes sweetie.
2007-05-30 02:57:27 · answer #1 · answered by Lindsey 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
OK. So you have very strong feelings about drinking and your fiancee knows this.
I think you are stronger than him and it is not fair to expect weaker people to be as strong.
Compromise or fail.
If this agreement is not negotiable, then it is destined to end in conflict.
Yes he is a fool to invest in a lie to avoid a conflict he bloody knew he would have with you over drinking, but alcohol is not very bright when it comes to thinking and it would be fair to classify the lie as low priority.
The contract to abstain from drinking is unflexible and one must be wise in regulating and supervising such a great effort as sobrirty can be for some.
Perhaps you can allow your fiancee the trust to conduct himself however he wants with his friends 1 or 2 times per week. Give him room to move and time to adjust to the change.
Now these 2 days/evenings should be times when you also have your period of freedom to do whatever makes you feel good and the only agreements needed are around respecting each other and wether or not you are open to sleeping in the same bed with him when he has been drinking.
Stay strong, stay consistant and it will evolve into a compatible routine, or an eventual realisation by your now husband that he prefers sobriety.
Please try not to allow your expectations to be so high that failure and conflict become a likely destiny...please try to understand sometimes we set ourselves up to recieve a lie.
Please dont ask questions you already know the answers to when the true answer will trigger conflict.
It may be his love for you that inspired a stupid lie and his intention was never to betray you.
When the milk is spilt beating up on the one who spilt it doesnt clean the mess up.
Have a happy marriage and please be patient..love is a powerful friend
2007-05-30 04:12:06 · answer #2 · answered by tillermantony 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go to an Al anon meeting. One every day up to the marriage week. Let him know that you can not live this way and you need more time. Also, alcoholics never stop being alcoholics. They can stop drinking and for years not drink however they still are. They have the same traits as if they actually were drinking. Lying is part of the illness. It sounds like you are not willing to jeopardize your life for that and that's good. Think how you were living in it with your family. Do you want that for yourself and the children that follow. They start up right from where they have left off. He has an issue that will be in your marriage forever and may leave with horrible consequences.
2007-05-30 02:34:23 · answer #3 · answered by legermarianne 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just a simple lie. 7 years! That's great. I'm most definately he's lied to your along the course of those 7 years and you have too! As much as you two will deny, you have in some way or form. So just don't let it get in the way. The situation isn't huge. Its not like he cheated on you. It's just drinking. Just make sure he drinks responsibly.
Tell him no more drinking when it becomes 4 weeks before the wedding.
You'll work it out i mean if you've been together for 7 years, I'm pretty sure you've worked out other things in the past.
2007-05-30 02:29:46 · answer #4 · answered by John Becker 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hiding the drinking wasn't the best idea on his part although he does have a right to a little fun with the boys as long as there is no fooling with other women involved. If the only way he can do that is by lying to you because you would deny him that right, then you pushed him to it. I can see where it must suck to be the only guy who cant have a beer with the boys. He probably feels somewhat like an idiot infront of them for having to obey your rules. If he does keep to your agreement for the most part, he does it out of respect and love for you--think of that as something positive. If that is the case than he sounds fairly honest to me and still worthy of trust.
Eventhough your fiance is a man, he is not your father and you should not be afraid that he will end up the same as your father. Dont let your past haunt you that badly--let it go so that your fiance can prove himself to you.
2007-05-30 02:59:50 · answer #5 · answered by Wicked Little Lady 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
So because you have problems with alcohol you still drink but only when you are with him??? Sounds odd because if you have a problem with alcohol I would think that you would not drink at all. Why would it matter if he was there? Are you expecting him to monitor you and your intake? Not a ton of personal responsibility there.
Yes, he did lie to you. You need to decide to trust him again or not. If he does not have a problem with alcohol then you need to realize that an issue with you does not create an issue for him. You can compromise and not have alcohol in your home. That would just be him respecting your wish to not drink at all.
If he wants to have a few drinks with his friends and he does not have a problem with it then you need to address that issue.
The lying is its own and seperate issue. You have not created a situation that he felt you would be understanding this does not however give him free reign to lie.
Just ask him to be honest with you and if you trust that then stay, get married and have a wonderful life. If you don't trust him then it is only fair that you let him go.
2007-05-30 02:40:43 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It seems like kind of a strange rule that you can only drink together. How is he supposed to explain that when the guys are all heading out for a beer? But if he agreed to it, then he should have stuck with it, or at the very least, admitted that he drank. A lie is a lie. Definitely postpone the wedding until this is resolved one way or another.
2007-05-30 02:31:22 · answer #7 · answered by The Naughty Librarian 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why did you stay with him for 7 year without marring him? Sounds like you subconsiously knew that something was not right. I would postponed the wedding. Better to postpone now or call off the wedding than be married with kids 5 years from now and miserable.
Have a talk with him about how serious this is, how you do not trust him and that this may end the relationship, if he brushes you off, then you know he is not right for you. He needs to value the same things you do.
2007-05-30 02:30:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, but he will probably do it again, and the reason is because you are being unreasonable.
You are NOT marrying your dad.
So why can't this guy responsibly drink a little here and there?
What is he supposed to do when he's with those guys? Sit there and drink coke because his wife will get mad?
It's completely wrong that he lied to you, I sympathize with you there, very much so. You need to tell him that he needs to talk it out with you, not lie to you when you disagree about something, or your marriage will never have trust.
But you also need to stop transferring this fear from your father to your fiance.
2007-05-30 02:34:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't give up just yet. I understand the agreement you guys made, however, since he was with friends and he hasn't drank in awhile, I think we should let him live with this one. If he was doing this in front of you all of the time, I'd reconsider my future with him since he's showing you he can't keep promises. But since this hasn't happened, give it some more time and see how things go. You have another month before you get married and anything can happen between now and then, you know? Best Wishes!!
2007-05-30 02:34:16 · answer #10 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋