Is this selfish?

Question

My fiancee and I have been making plans to get our own place and finish up college together, as well as getting married in the next year or so. So after we come home from his brother's wedding (who is in the military), he's telling me he wants to enlist in the military. And this is making me INCREDIBLY upset. Not only do I not want anything to happen to him, I don't want that kind of life for my family. He's making me feel really guilty for feeling this way about it. Am I being selfish? Anything I can do?

Answer 1

No, you are not being selfish. It sounds as though your boyfriend didn't think about joining the military until he went to his brother's wedding. His brother may have told him some stories to get your boyfriend excited about the military. Is it something that he has ever talked about doing before? If it is something that he has wanted to do before talking to his brother, you should at least listen to his reasons. If he hasn't thought seriously about it before, then I would still talk to him. It is a committment of at least 4 years, the risk of going to Iraq is high and moving from base to base is common.

The main thing is that you don't want this kind of life for your family and that is understandable. Your boyfriend should understand that too and should support your feelings as well. You two had a plan to go to college and then get married. And you say he's your fiancee, so he shouldn't make any decision that will jepordize your future either. If he still wants to go, you can't make him stay.

What can you do? Talk to him seriously about why he wants to join, what it would mean to you, and how much you don't want this.

Answer 2

You need to decide if you can stay with him while he goes off and 'plays soldier' -- which is exactly what this sounds like. He went to his army brother's wedding, and the thought of going overseas seems more exciting than going to class and planning a wedding.

If this is the case, try to talk to him about what he expects out of military life, how long his committment would be, and what he expects you to do while he is in Iraq. It's possible he hasn't thought that far ahead.

If he is really committed to the idea of joining up and you can't make him understand your feelings, then maybe it's time to step away from this relationship. Yes, it is a big, painful step -- but if that isn't the life you want, you need to let go now. And maybe if he realizes that this decision means he loses you, he'll think about reconsidering.

You're not selfish: he's changing your plans late in the game without your input, and making YOU feel guilty. Sounds to me like he's the selfish one.

Answer 3

WHOA! what do you mean by "I don't want that kind of life for my family"????? The military takes better care of it's families then any other job in the world. Free medical, dental, housing, and more. If he wants to enlist I would surely support him.You also say you don't want anything to happen to him....honey he could get hit by a drunk driver tomorrow..you have no control over his saftey. The military trains men to have the skills they need to survive and they are very good at it. Most of the soldiers that are killed that you see on cnn aren't the majority they are the minority, the news plays it up but chances are in his favor to make it home safe and sound. My husband has been in the Army for 15 years and has been through 3 major deployments and has come home with little more then a scratch everytime.

Answer 4

Selfish? Not really, not in the nasty sense. But life is about getting what we want out of it, agreed?
I'm glad he surprised you with this idea now, and not after you were married to him.
I assume you've told him that you don't want that kind of life. Now pay attention to how important it is to him. If it is very important and he doesn't get to do it because of you, then he will forever resent you for it. If you are lucky, it's mostly a flirtation with an idea, not something he's thought out.
If there was ever a bad time to join the armed forces, this has got to be it. He'll end up in Iraq for sure.

Answer 5

Tell him you don't want that kind of life for yourself and make it clear that if he enlists, you're leaving. I feel the exact same way and I've told my boyfriend that as well. It's a completely different life in the military and it's a personal choice. It sounds like you're still young so it will hurt to leave him but you'll end up resenting him if you give in.

Answer 6

No you're not being selfish...truthfully put, you have a right to decide what you want out of life...and believe me being a military wife is a drastic change if you didn't grow up in that type of environment. So please you have a good question here and you need to really think about the changes this will bring in your life. This is the prime time to figure this out "before" you get into the marriage and realize it's not working out for you.

Answer 7

Yes and no. He has a right to be whomever he wants to be as you do but if he is serious about marriage, these decisions should be discussed between you. Anything that impacts your life together has to be assessed with the pros and cons. If he is unwilling to do this, then he isn't ready to be married.

Answer 8

You're not being selfish for wanting what you want and neither is he. But I fail to see how this relationship will last unless someone gives up what they want, and it would be selfish for either of you to ask the other to do that, so unless one of you willingly gives in...

Answer 9

You have no reason to feel guilty and no you are not selfish and have every right to be upset. keep being assertive about what you want and don't want in your life. Good luck.

Answer 10

yes , it's very selfish , we are all entitle to change our minds an any giving time . it just sound like you have alot of growing up to doing ---- or at less dump him and move on with your life because it sound like you two are going in two direction that you don't like.