How can I help my friend?

Question

This is a woe that can only be shared among guys.

I know old Tom for a long time, longer than the time we work together in our place of work. I got a job at the same company he works in and so we have been working together for a long time. He is a nice guy. We can get along well and he is honest and sincere. It is difficult to find a guy like him. Sometimes, we also share some of our problems together, problems our wives cannot solve and best not know. He has also been married for a long time. He has a seemingly wonderful wife and 5 kids. His kids have also all grown. His eldest girl is going to enter university shortly. His youngest girl is about to enter high school. It is the ideal family most people would want.

One day for some reason, his wife said something that made him placed suspicion on her. (he didn't tell me what). For quite some time, he felt uncomfortable. Hence, one day, he decided to act. Every year, his wife will always go back to visit her relatives in a neighbouring state. She will also take a few of the kids along with her to see them. During easter, he managed to persuade her not to take any of them along with her. She thus went alone. During her absence, he quietly took all his kids to have their DNA analysed. He was so secretive he didn't even tell his children that. He only told them he took them for a health checkup.

When the DNA results came back, it confirmed his worst fears. His third child, a guy in his teens, is not his. His DNA doesn't match. Ironically, the boy's DNA match that of his siblings. This proves there could be no mistake of a mismatch at the hospital years earlier. He sent them for further DNA test whch proves his suspicion.

Tom was devastated. He is most definitely visibly upset. It would also be difficult for him to do anything. He is afraid it may affect the other children. This is especially so his eldest daughter, who will be starting the universtity soon. Likwise, he also find it difficult to diverge the secret to the 3rd kid, whom he treats like his own. It will also be difficult for him to file for a divorce and move on. Where can he move on to? He has spent much time building his family in his home. He also finds it difficult to broach this subject to his wife. He also found it difficult to trust his wife now, even though she is also in her mid 40s. His wife still did not know what he had discovered.

I so much wanted to help Tom. He is a great guy. I just do not know what can I do. It can be very tiring to listen to his woes which he repeats quite frequently. but I felt sorry for him. What do you think I should do? What do you think Tom should do to solve this problem?

Answer 1

TO Tom's friend : It's good of you to be there for him but it might be better if you stand down now. You may also be 'showing' your stress to him (your wife and others) and start people wondering what's the problem..he needs to calm down and if necessary go to a (1) counselor to talk it out. There are things he should sort out before saying anything to his wife. The son in question is a teenager:; he has been a great dad and has loved all 5 children! Nothing has changed in his feeling toward the boy. He could have adopted him and be as happy with him. The relationship WILL change ! Tom will lose as much as HIS son (or more) It just won't be the same!! You say Tom's wife is great ..chances are good that she INCREASED her efforts to being a better wife and mother because of the incident that happened at least 13 years ago. Does she show that she loves him? Does he love her? I hope so--she had 2 or 3 more children after the "incident" She chose Him-- to stay with him. AND she spared his feelings BY NOT TELLING HIM ABOUT WHATEVER happened . People TELL ALL because THEY want to feel better. It happens all the time. +50 % of marriages today end in divorce. Here's as you say "" THE IDEAL FAMILY MOST PEOPLE WOULD WANT'" WHY WOULD HE WANT TO CHANGE THAT? A slip of the tongue could change all that. This Secret should be put away for good. someday when this boy's child ( Tom's )grandchild is born , Tom can rethink his life and will be grateful nothing was said. You know how everyone says well in hindsite I should have....... done/not done... I'm giving you the hindsite!!!! at my age +70 I've done or seen most of it !! Help him calm down, you calm down, think of the BIG picture and salvage what Tom can.God Bless.

Answer 2

Tell him that he needs to decide what to do because his indecision is causing him so much despair. Either accept it or not.
Although the DNA test came back saying that Tom is not the child's father, well, he has raised him and in my eyes that makes him the father.
I think he should confront his wife (keep it secret from the children - they need never know that she is unfaithful) and tell her what he knows. He has a right to know because she did this to him. I'm sure he wants to know who, why, how long and other questions that have been burning in his brain like was it only once or have there been many. Is she still doing this? Does anyone else know? God, this would drive me crazy. Poor guy.
Then, he needs to accept that it happened and just go about life as usual (for the kids) or he needs to decide to leave and when he will do it (wait 4 years or go now).
Let him vent. He needs you right now. Be his friend. Suggest that he do this but do not judge him. Let him know that no matter what you are there for him. I think that is all you can do and when someone is so hurt it means so much just to have someone like you there for them.

Answer 3

What a situation. Actually, as he has raised the boy as his own, it would be horrible to then turn around and tell the lad he isn't his but I think he should tell his wife he knows and then they should decide together if the boy should be told. Its a tough one. Of course it hurts but you would be surprised if you knew just how many men are bringing up other peoples children never knowing. My own husband has 3 from a previous relationship but I can only see the genes in one of them - his ex is a bit of a goer and it wouldn't surprise me. However in Toms case, his wife chose to stay with him so he should think about that before doing anything drastic. They have been through too much together just to drop it for a sin that was committed so many moons ago.

Answer 4

hello i think the best thing to advise tom to do would be to sit his wife down and calmly talk threw everything he has done how his suspicions started what led him to getting DNA tests.
His wife for all we know could have gotten herself in to some kind of difficulty a drunken one night stand and old boyfriend she had a one off with who knows but she still must love tom to have stayed with him. i feel telling the child in question at this time would be the wrong thing to do because every thing that he has known and loved to be would be shattered, not to say don't ever tell him as he has a right to know ,but when the time is right ,tom and his wife must discuss this . sorry cant be of more help

Answer 5

he is feeling hurt for something that happened years ago i think his wife probably thinks the child is his ánd stopped her affair at the time she found out she was pregnant. She obviously loved him because she could have left him at the time. They have built a family together and he shouldn't destroy that as his family still needs and loves him. this relevation will devastate the boy as he knows nothing about this and he will feel responsible for all the trouble that will be caused ask your friend how he thinks his life would be when all this comes out everything he enjoys now will be over and could traumatise his other children too. Try to let it go

Answer 6

unfortunatly nothing can be done to give him back hsi peace of mind. he needs to frogive but first he needs to hear an explanation and an apology , i think he shoudl have his sibling and his wife in same place and bring it up directly. and see what they have ti say. as for the boy ist defnfitly not his mistake , and the whole thing seemed to be longg ago, so i guess he shodulnt destroy his whole life over one mistake tahst long ago. as for me i think i do beleive what u dont kwno dont hurt u and hope everybody stop spyin and investegating since we usually cant take teh truth that we soend so mch tiem money and effort looking for!
good luck u and tom

Answer 7

Tell him to do nothing at this moment. Hold on to what he know and start asking her question about the way the kid looks and how different he seems from the rest. When he get tired of watching her dig s ditch for herself. Take the test results and open it up on her side of the bed and write on the results... If he isn't mine, then who is his father?

Answer 8

I would suggest you asking your friend to see a good therapist for counseling and advice. More than likely both he and his wife will need to go, but you should not allow yourself to be placed in the middle of this relationship.
Maybe you can tell your friend not to talk about this around you anymore, at least not until he gets proffessional help.
I fear you may be blamed by him or his wife for a break-up if it happens.
Good luck.

Answer 9

carry on
they say ignorance is bliss
all the children are his despite the DNA he is the father and he cant condone them for their mothers acts
I think he needs to talk this through with a therapist and they can support him through this

Answer 10

you should definitely be there for him listen to what ever he has to tell you just don't advice him on anything because that might come back and bite you in the a s s