I cheated on my wife..Please....I need help to save my marriage...please?

Question

I cheated on my wife over a year ago and she found out last April. I moved out or rather, got kicked out and have been out of my house for over a year now. I apologized numerous times in the beginning and I truly, truly, truly feel anguish like nobody knows. I miss my wife so much it hurts me everyday...I miss my kids. But mostly, I feel extreme anguish and pain also because I love my wife with all my soul......I don't know what to do....She proceeded with divorce papers over 6 months ago but she never finished the whole process. I was actually at her lawyers office with her to discuss the legalities of a divorce, visitation rights and how much I would end up paying for child support.
We get along right now, but I think about that awful day each and every day and I would do whatever it takes to tell my wife that I made the biggest mistake anyone could ever make on the one they love....Someone......anyone....please help....I'm lost and I need help....I want my wife. I love her.

Answer 1

OK, you need to do some real work now. Work that require you to endure more possible pain; but, great rewards if all goes well. You don't know if your wife still wants you, well it seems she does because she did not go thru with the divorce. You need to take her on a date now and tell her that you are grateful for the delay in the divorce because you've learned thru trial and 'failure' that she and the kids are the most important people in your life. Don't dwell on the affair, but rather that you want to know if she would consider you two dating again to regain her trust. THAT YOU WILL BE WILLING TO DEAL WITH HER SUSPICIONS, INSECURITIES AND ANYTHING ELSE TO GAIN HER RESPECT AGAIN.

YOU MUST NOT PRESSURE HER, JUST LET HER KNOW YOUR INTENTIONS AND YOU NEED TO KNOW HERS.

WHAT EVER SHE STATES YOU ACCEPT AND WAIT. Be there for her, no matter what has to be done. BE THE FOOL YOU MADE HER TO BE IF NEED BE. ONLY YOU WILL KNOW WHEN TO GIVE UP AND FILE YOURSELF.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 2

I've read all of the answers and feel I am uniquely qualified to answer although Zen did a pretty good job. I've been on both sides.

It's true. If your wife had been meeting your needs, you would not have strayed. There was something in your relationship that was completely not right with you. I am sure you talked about it, told her your needs; but she didn't quite hear you. When that happens and you begin to feel hurt and withdraw - you're ripe for an affair. Congratulations, you are human. It doesn't mean its right, but it happened. As Zen said, you can't un-ring the bell. The comfort here is to know that you just didn't go off and screw around for no reason - there had to be a reason.

I was also on the other side. My first wife cheated. What I didn't understand at the time was what I understand now. I helped her do it. I didn't quite listen all of the time. I would figure I was right about an issue and not really listen to her thoughts. She cheated. I couldn't forgive.

The one thing that will be universal after someone cheats is that the other person really will never be able to quite trust (and that means to love) the other person again.

You can try to work through it. A lot of people do. To be honest with you, I don't any marriage makes it 30 years without one of the partners going off and screwing up just even once. We're people, we have sex. Unfortunately, we are a little bit too much like the animals we evolved from.

Forgive yourself. Be good to your kids. Let your wife have the divorce and find someone who meets your needs.

Answer 3

It's ironic that its only when we've lost something dear to us, that we realise how much we actually want/need it.
I am sitting on the other side of the fence, having been cheated on, but the action I took could probably help you too.
If your wife doesn't want to be with you anymore, the best thing you can do is, is back off. The more you go on about how much you want/need/love her, the more you will push her away.
My husband cheated, and left me. I thought my world would end, and although you say how sorry you are, you have no idea of the pain and hurt your wife is going through. I was a wreck, until I found the 2 websites below. I am not a religious person, but the things these guys said, seemed to make sense to me. I took the advice given (particularly 'stopyourdivorce'), and began living my life again, for myself. I became more confident, and although I was still upset, in public I hid it. We reconciled about a year after my husband left, and although it has been b***** hard, I am happier now than I ever have been. It is hard to trust again, but it can be done.
I'm not guaranteeing these websites will get you what you think you want/need, but they can help move you to a better place emotionally, if you are ready to move there.
I suppose you can look for the positive, and be grateful that you get along alright, because a lot of people end up very bitter, and never talking to each other again.

Answer 4

If she stopped the proceedings then it is very possible that she is just holding out to see how sorry your are, and is also taking the kids into consideration.

If all that you wrote is true then I would start wooing her romantically. For starters,send her flowers, with a note saying something like "just wanted to brighten your day. Sure hope you had a good one, and these flowers are just the whip cream on top of a good cake" . If she responds positively then, you have an opening to continue. Send her a card on her birthday, it should not be a mushy one, just a cute humorous one. If you see that she is responsive then you have an opening to ask her out to dinner. Make it at a place where you have to make reservations. A reall expensive, classy place. Let her know before hand so that she will dress appropiatley. And don't be stupid and tell her how to dress, she will know herself how to dress once you let her know where you made the reservations.

Offer to alleviate some of her chores with the kids. Don't make it sound like it is because you want to see them. Let her know you truly want to give her a helping hand. If she refuses then don't push it, so she will know you are sincere in you gesture. The you can offer again a week or two later.

Never make her feel it is because of the kids that you are doing these things. If thiings are going well, then keep it up. But don't be to agressive or pushy. Remember you need to prove yourself so it will take a long while. You should also keep in mind that there are no guarantees, even if she does accept all your romantic efforts. But then that is the penalty of your disloyalty to her. You will just have to chew it, swallow it, and go on with your life, and even then you will only have a small taste comparing to how she felt when you cheated on her.

Good luck to both of you. I hope things do work out. Again that is if you are really sorry.

Answer 5

Sorry I truly have no empathy for you. The way I see it is this. There's always a way of escape. You should have found it. You keep saying that you truly, truly, truly feel anguish? And "I love my wife with all my soul"!!!! I mean, like... where was all that love and soul stuff when you were screwing somebody else. Did you think about how much hurt your wife would endure? Or did you think about your kids? No you didn't you thought with your d--k and now you want help to gain her trust back and to except you back ?

No I don't think so>She deserves better than a cheating spouse. And those kids deserve better than that. I know I come across as a bit--, but I don't mean to be. I just don't think cheating is right and if you wanted to do that you should have never gotten married.

Answer 6

Maybe you are going about this the wrong way with her. The first step is to take care of your problem, which is why you cheated to begin with. You will always love your wife because you shared a life with her and she is the mother of your children. Ask yourself if you are just wanting this because your lonely or because you truly do love her. If it is because you truly do love her, remember that actions speak louder than words.

Don't talk to her about apologies and fault or why you did this or that. She doesn't want to hear it and it will be a waste of time. Maybe she needs to "see" changes. Before talking to her about getting back together, make the effort to get counseling. Every county has a Social Services Office that offers free counseling. After you have checked into it and you are making the effort to go, then tell her that you started counseling for your problem.

Sit down and write a journal everyday about your feelings and then one day sit down with her and share that journal.

Some women forgive easily and give second chances, and others don't. If you make efforts to get help and to share all that you are doing to better yourself with her, and she still doesn't want this to work out, then the only thing left to do is move on.

Yes, it was wrong to cheat and I don't condone it, but the real problem is what caused you to cheat to begin with, and what made you feel like that was your only option. Good luck with finding those answers and I hope this helps.

Answer 7

If you've done everything you can and, she won't listen, she's one of these women that are simply like this, none forgiving, that's all she wrote.
If she won't go for counseling, or any king of help, then your out. Find a new life and start over.
Why, in the first place, did you do this if you love her so much? as you claim?

I don't understand people like you. My wife did this to me. Then she came crying back to me "we only did it once" right, after eight months.
I'll never understand. We got back together but, it'll never be the same.
You did something "stupid" and now your paying for it. You have to try and make her understand that. After all this time, if she hasn't understood this, I don't think, maybe she didn't love you to start with. Have you thought about that or, maybe there's someone else in the picture by now? There's other possibilities.
Good luck

Answer 8

I can relate to what ur wife is feeling because I just found out that sometime within the past year my husband cheated. I am outraged. My question is when you love someone as much as you say you love your wife then why do you do the things you do? Your wife probably feels really betrayed and can't understand why you felt you needed to cheat. She probably feels that you gave another woman something of hers. She might even go over and over in her head how you may have made love or sex to this woman the way that you do with her. Ask her for marital counseling. She is definitely not over this. Divorce is a way for you to never hurt her again.

Answer 9

Somewhere your wife was not meeting an emotional need. This is not necessarily her fault she may not even know whatever need she was falling short on.

The thing is you have done what you did and you cannot unring the bell. The damage done by this type of betrayl is difficult to overcome for the offended party. The trust undone in a night or an hour will take years to restore, if ever and she will always doubt your trustworthyness.

You need to look at what caused you to do what you did and do not repeat it again in any future relationship.

Be greatful for what you still have with her and grieve, then move on from the loss. Sorry, dude it sucks. But ask yourself TRUTHFULLY what would you do if the roles were reversed? Would you want an initmate relationship with you?

Answer 10

You have mentioned that your wife filed for divorce, but she stopped the process. You don't provide to much information, but I do believe that she doesn't want the divorce either. You indicated that you have been out of the household for over a year. Are you living alone all this time or you are staying with your lover? If you really love your wife you have to tell her that not only with words but with your acts. You have to be honest and you should answer all the questions she may have about the affair. You have to work really hard to earn her trust and confidence in you again. Start going to marital counseling. I recommend you to read the book, "My husband's affair became the best thing that ever happened to me" you can find the book in Amazon.com. I read it and it help me a lot. Good luck to you. icm3806