My husband and I recently decided to abort our baby?

Question

It was the worst decision I've/we've ever made. I am 27 and he is 29 and we wanted kids, but in a couple years, as our jobs our demanding and we wanted to travel before having a baby. We thought long and hard, and adoption would've been impossible b/c I hear once you see your baby you can't give him/her up.

So, we decided on abortion. I didn't feel anything after the procedure was finished, even a week after I felt nothing.But recently (it's been about 2 months since) I've been immensly depressed, as has my husband.

We don't even communicate anymore, and he has continously been taking days off of work, he cries occasionally. We haven't had sex since, not even kissed, barely even touched each other.

So, I'm asking, what can we do? I can't imagine counseling would make things better. I can't fathom that anyone knows how terrible we feel. I had not the slightest clue an abortion would take such a mental toll on BOTH of us.

Please help. Thanks.

I would love to talk to my husband about this, but...how? Saying "Hey honey so how about that baby we aborted?". He's practically in a transe...I'm so afraid he'll never return to normal.

Thank you to all of those who have helped so far...but does anyone have any suggestions as to just work on it one on one with my husband without counselling? I just don't see how talking about a problem with a complete stranger who, most likely, has not gone through what we have, will help us.

To the person who said my story is "almost true"...why would anyone make something like this up? I'm sorry you think that I'm just making up a problem I'm actually trying to solve and get help with in my life.

I asked a question, I am not here to answer questions about my painful experience. If you would like certain things answered, you can email me, I will not post it for everyone to see. Thank you.

Answer 1

oh wow ... I would say you both need counseling.
If at all possible find it in a church, you should not be judged.

Although you think it will be hard to talk to your husband, it is easier than you think a lot of that guilt that you are feeling he is too.

Just try to do it, God bless the both of you.

Answer 2

First I want to say that you are not the first couple I know of who've been through this. If it makes you feel better, this one couple I knew seemed to have gone through almost exactly what you are describing and I think counseling will help. You need to both air your feeling and concerns to an impartial person. Sometimes just talking out loud helps. And about this other couple, well, they continued with their careers, built their nest egg and also now have a beautiful little girl. Unfortunately, not many people talk about then feelings after an abortion and it sounds like the two of you need to. Remember a counselor is there to help you, not to judge, just to listen.

Answer 3

Marriage counseling could certainly help. You have both made a tremendous mistake. In your hearts you know what you did was wrong. Hopefully you have learned from it. None of these abortion places ever tell you about how many people feel as awful after one as you do. They do this for the money. No abortion, no money. You might look for a marriage counselor through something like Catholic Charities. (You don't have to be Catholic.) You two are hurting. You need to get back to living again and that starts with marriage counseling. I think it will help. You made a mistake--everyone makes mistakes. Face up to it and move on. Best of luck.


Kent in SD

Answer 4

Gosh. I'm sorry
I would definitely try to go through counseling. A friend of mine just had an abortion as well and it's really helping her. Try therapy and just talk to each other. Honest and open communication is the best way to bounce back (for lack of a better phrase) from something like this.

Answer 5

I am so sorry 4 you.I did this 13 years ago and till this day have not gotten over it.I wish I would have waited.don't get me wrong the Lord has blesses me with 3 beautiful children and I am very thankfull for that.However a day does not go by that I don't wonder about my child.I was young and very influenced that money and careers were important and it would be better if I waited,but as time has went on I figured out that you really never can have enough money to take care of them.all I can do is tell you to pray and ask for forgiveness and maybe one day you can forgive yourself but one gurantee is that as a mother I can tell you,you will never forget and never stop wondering.God Bless You!

Answer 6

Go get counseling. you two seriously need to sort through this especially since the two of you haven't talked and haven't been intimate since.

the loss of a baby is hard. the fact that you two looked at this as we're having a baby and now we're not..is whats taking a toll on both of you... yes financial reasons are always one thing to not have one, and still wanting to travel is another reason not to have one but the two of you may feel tremendous unspoken guilt on both ends.

Why? well.. because partially because the baby was unplanned, but also because you two feel a tad bit guilt ridden and selfish for having had to make such a hard choice as "abortion" together. You two could have had this baby and given it up for adoption, and it could have had a good life with another family..there is such a thing as open adoption you know ? But its all done and out of your hands now..

you two need to go to counseling to save yourself your sanity and your marriage.

Good luck

Answer 7

Dearest, I'm not gonna say I know how it feels, but I have been though a similar situation in my life and wanted to share it with you as I never talked about this ever before to anyone.

I did the same thing and I regretted to death AFTERwards. My bf of that time didn't have guts to father his child and also bullied me before taking off. Some time later, he asked what I did with the child... and he said he didn't believe that child was his (when I even didn't look at other men's eyes and I was calling his name inside when I was having the abortion and crying. But I guess he will never know about any of this) So, worse than your case I lost both my child and bf. I was left lost and lonely in this mean world (I thought) and weeped every night till my pillows were soaked.

But... as time passes, I started seeing things little more clearer. I've realized that I saw the "true" face of the loser-bf and thankful I didn't decide to live with him. Also, I'm a Buddhist and therefore I beleive my child will come back to me. I pray everynight for my son and for my God, I ask for forgiveness and promise with my all to take care of my son if/when he comes back to me. I realized that I will never forgive my ownself, but if God and my son forgives me, I will do every possible thing to keep that trust. I don't care that bright career future... other people think I have, will ever happen or not, as long as I will have child/children, my life will be complete and happy. Now I have found a wonderful man, and we're going to get married (and hopefully have many children)

Dearest, please talk to your husband. Since he was in it with you and you both made the decision, not you alone. The sign he feels terrible about it, says that he will and he can share the pain and loss with you. You're lucky to have him and hope time will help you two to see things clearer soon and God will bless you with many beautiful children!!! Best wishes to you.

P.S. Just saw your added detail. When he cries or when you two are sitting quietly in your living room ar whatever, just start "Honey, it hurts me so much too...", but don't talk continously, he will need time to articulate his feelings, I suppose. But I expect you to know better than anyone of us, how to talk to him what's his communication or opening-up style is.

Also, i'm glad that you had courage to use Y-answers. Don't mind these judging comments you got here, they just don't know any better. Love to you, dear.

Answer 8

Wow. Ya thats hard. I think abortion should be left to single women with no other choice. I think deep in your hearts you both knew you were in a committed relationship and financially stable. Other than wanting to travel you pretty much were a great candidate for a baby. Maybe counseling will fix this guilty feeling.

Answer 9

I am so sorry. I don't think anyone ever truly gets over the loss of a baby. But it does get easier to live with and you move on. You'll never forget, but time will dull the pain. I think all you can do now is say you've learned a lesson and now you realize how precious unborn life is. I think many people who have abortions don't realize that until it is over. It is unfortunate but it does create a greater respect for life and for how miraculous our babies are. I think you and your husband need to communicate about this. I know it's hard to talk about but you have to to keep your marriage together. You don't want to lose a baby and your husband too, so do your best to keep it together. Good luck

Answer 10

My husband and I did the same thing, we weren't married at the time though. It takes a few months for your hormones to get back in check. Pregnancy is very traumatic on a woman's body and abortion, while not as traumatic as full term labour, does have it's hormonal and emotional issues. Of course, since both you and your husband regret your decision, it's probably not just hormones.

While I believe my abortion was the best choice and I don't regret it at all, I still know the need of keeping the lines of communication open. Talk to your husband about how you are feeling and allow him to talk to you about it. After the abortion, I was irrationally angry with him. I was the one who had to go through the physical trauma of it and deal with the hormones and everything and what did he have? A thought of a potential? Big deal. This made communication hard for awhile, but I had to rationalize that kind of thinking and allow myself to be open to his experience too. You need to do the same to move on. It'll take some time. It probably will take another 6 months or so for your hormones to even out. Often contraceptive pills can help your body out in that respect.

Perhaps try counselling, don't go to one of those 'post abortion syndrome'/anti-abortion counsellors, they'll just make things worse because pro-life groups and counsellors hate women who have chosen abortion. Ask your doctor, the one who preformed the abortion, for a refferal to someone who is qualified to talk with you two. It's not uncommon for women to need counselling after an abortion and he or she will know exactly who is good to talk to. Good luck!

EDIT: YES! Just bring it up like that! Be straight forward.

Answer 11

Wow! I'm sorry for the loss of your baby. You are depressed because of what you did, and you are angry with yourself for what you did.
I can tell you this, your baby is in Heaven.
Now, as for counseling, yes, it will be of help for both of you. You both need to allow yourselves to grieve over the loss of your baby. You both are probably feeling very guilty. You really do need counseling.
If there is a Preganancy Resource Center, or something like it in your area, they culd probably help you, or some kind of grief counselor. Or a counselor that can help you on both the grieving process, and marriage, communication, etc.
Take care.