Should you believe or take to heart everything an achoholic says when he's angry after drinking too much?

Question

My husband sometimes says hurtful things after he's had way too much to drink. I usually only reply with a short answer like,ok. Then try to stay busy and ignore him.We've been married for 23 years,and at times he'll let things from the past bother him when he's been drinking.I try hard to not let him hurt my feelings,or dwell on what he's saying at the moment.
I used to be told by someone else years ago that the truth comes out when someone is drinking,but I really don't believe that after my experiences.
Leaving him is not an option for me,because I know the kind of man he is when he isn't drinking,and hope that one day he will again quit.He had quit for almost 12 years,and started again last year. He is not abusive to me physically.

Answer 1

you will know in due time what to do. he can change, and he cannot. be careful

Answer 2

Hey sis!?! I've been in the same situation and it's not easy. First, try to realize that 'abuse' is 'Abuse'. If he hasn't been physical yet...it'll come. It usually does. Right now, he's probably one of those that drink past 'drunk', spouts a bunch of garbage to and about you, makes you feel less then a smashed bug and then 'passes out. I realize that you love him and he's more then likely to be the best person in world to you when he's not drinking. But since he is and doesn't want help and believes there is 'no problem', this is what I suggest. First, realize that you {and your children if applicable} do 'not' deserve this kind of treatment. You need to make a plan. To begin, seek counseling for yourself. It will help rebuild your self esteem and get you on the right track again. Secondly, make a Plan and stick to it. It takes time and patience, but that's what you have right now. Start putting money away, a little at a time so he doesn't notice because this will cause a problem and by no means...no matter what...don't tell him. Share your plan with a close friend and/family member because they are going to play a major part in your protection. Grab yourself a 'resouce' book/pamphlet from the Social Service Office or a Counseling Center and this will acquaint you with your housing, electricity, food, clothing, etc... These services are available for people like us and there's no reason to be embarrassed. YOU didn't do anything wrong. When you put your plan in motion, you'll find that you're going to be 'just fine. The picture looks grim now, but later...you'll be glad you did what you did. Who knows? Maybe he'll take you seriously and quit and get help or....maybe he'll just continue on and try to ruin someone elses life. At least it won't be yours and by then, you'll be strong enough to help the next poor soul that he puts in your place. Good Luck friend. You can do it.

Answer 3

23 years is a long time. 12 years of sobriety is a long time. Abuse is abuse. If his drinking and comments are hurtful to you it doesn't matter if you take to heart what is said. No one knows what to believe or not to believe from an alcoholic. Maybe he isn't an alcoholic, but why did he start again? What has changed? I don't know that my answer will help you much ,but coming from my family (dad in AA for 31 yrs, husband in AA for13) I can only suggest that you at least look into Al Anon. Or even just read the Big Book.
Maybe you will find a better answer to your question, and any others you may have. try the sites in the source section.
Good luck, God bless, One day at a Time......

Answer 4

No you should not take to heart anything he says while drinking. Alcoholics tend to take their frustrations out on others because they have difficulty coping with their own thoughts and emotions. They turn to the bottle rather than face the reality of their problems.

They do tend to say a LOT of hurtful things but what it comes down to is selfishness and a need to make you feel as bad as they do.

Look out for your own mental well being. You cannot sacrifice your mental health for him. Whatever issues he may have with you or with your relationship he can discuss with you when he is sober.

I know you have a need to be by his side but you may in fact just be an enabler. Learning cannot occur without consequence, either directly or indirectly. He may have the fortitude to get past this and sober up permanently or he may never stop drinking. You need to decide how much you can handle and when enough is enough.

Leaving doesn't mean you don't love him and I am all for being supportive and working out your problems but you also need to have boundaries and he needs to understand those. He is not drunk when he takes that first drink so there is no excuse he can come up with for not dealing with the consequences of his actions. You have needs too and he needs to recognize that.

Hope this helps.

Answer 5

It goes both ways. Sometimes people say things they don't mean, sometimes they do. The correct thing to do is blow him off. What credibility does a drunk have, anyway? The fact you are able to stay sober and he's weak and can't shows you are the superior person here. It doesn't matter what he says--he has no credibility. Would you be bothered if a 5 yr. old came up to you and called you an "old poo-poo?" Hopefullly not. Same deal here. Go call al-ANON and get some help, at least for yourself.


Kent in SD

Answer 6

Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse b/c the scars do not heal. My father is an alcoholic and I had to endure a lot of cruel and mean things said to me over my childhood. I can say this, I don't believe that when angry or drunk, people necessarily say what they truly feel. A person who is hurting and has anger, mixed with alcohol, will say hurtful things to the one they love b/c they hurt and they want you to hurt too. It's abuse either way you look @ it and even though he may not mean it, you just shouldn't hurt someone that loves you. But since you do plan on staying, let me just say, you are one hell of a woman! And my dad is also different when sober, my mom said he can be nice. However, I just can't handle 2 different people in one body. Neither could my mom, she divorced him when I was about 6. You will have to seek counseling for yourself eventually..It's not easy to love an alcoholic but my hat and my prayers go out to you! But some of the things he says, he may mean but I'm sure a lot is just garbage. When they are drunk their mind also warps events and the way they remember things and see things is warped as well..So you can expect to get warped words and mean talk..GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU!

Answer 7

Deb, he mean what he says. When he is drinking, it give him the courage to say what he can't say when he is sober. You ask for advice and yet before anyone can answer, you quickly said,"I can't leave him." Then don't talk about it. Continue to be battered ( Emotionally ). It hurt to know that while he's being loving and kind when he's sober, he's also got these things in his heart about you. You are enabling him to keep behaving the way that he's acting. I would tell him, it's me or the bottle. My ex- husband was an alcoholic and he was just as nasty as he wanted to be, quiet when he was sober and denied everything that he said when he was drunk. Once he told me, that he had another woman to be with and I didn't excite him. I didn't try to get him to know what he had said to me while he was sober, I just started to investigate. I found just what he said he was doing. When he was sober, he said he didn't remember or it was the liquor talking, but allot of it is really true.

Answer 8

The first answer was the best answer. Find an Al Anon chapter near you and get help. You will not get the kind of help you need from total strangers who either don't care or don't know how to help you.

This isn't about how you feel when he spouts off after he's been drinking. If he's an alcoholic, he is not living his life to the fullest and he's not helping you reach your full potential as a human being. He's jeopardizing your relationship, your future, your happiness.

GET HELP NOW! Start with yourself, and then encourage him, in the manner you learn from a support group/therapist.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Lets see does a person speak the truth when they are drunk? After 9 years of living with one I can tell you that the answer is YES. You can try to not believe that all you want but I do believe you are just trying to make yourself feel better. And hoping that he will quit again well the only thing I can say to that is don't hold your breath. Just one question do you hate yourself that much to put up with it? Give him a choice quit or get out.OK he doesn't hit you, but he says things that is still a form of abuse.

Answer 10

I've always heard and tend to believe that people say things when they are drunk or mad that they wouldn't normally say, even though they mean them. Emotional abuse can be as bad as physical abuse. How often does he drink to the point of being abusive? 23 years is a long time to just give up on a marriage. He needs to go to AA or some other support group.

Answer 11

First of all, I agree with you. For many drunks, the hurtful things are not the truth of what they are actually feeling, but their angst. It's hard to generalize. My step-grandfather was a mean SOB when he wasn't drunk, and worse when he was (although he never hit). My Uncle was usually spouting off his angst. He was a kinder personality that was ruined by growing up as the kid his father picked on.

Do you know why he started again and is there anything you can do to help? I know my brother quit smoking for 10 years and then started up again when he took a job with more responsibility after my SIL worsened (she has MD).

At the very least, join a support group for YOU.