My best friend and her husband have been on rocks for quite a while. She finally told me a couple months ago that things were not good and they were going to counseling. Well, counseling has not helped and now it is time for the divorce. She doesn't want or like to talk about it, so I don't bring it up. I support her decision 100%, he's a jerk, I told her that on day one of their relationship. She just keeps saying that he needs to change a lot and it's not going to happen. I do think there are mutual issues (trust, drinking, money). What can I do to help her out without being to pushy or in her face about it?
2007-05-28 03:48:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ok, to set the record, I told her after our first meeting....6 years ago.....that I just had a bad feeling about him. I have never trashed him in a way that would make her think he's a bad husband or that I hate him.
2007-05-28 04:20:29 · update #1
If you told her long ago that you had a "bad feeling" maybe she doesn't want the "I told you so" speech (not that I think you would say that but that might be her perception) Help her by being there for her. Invite her over for Margarita night and after she's had a few maybe she'll open up. If she does, just listen. Don't offer advice, just encourage her to be her best. My best friend and I had many nights like this. You can also ask her what she needs right now. Listen to her! Good luck :)
2007-05-28 06:34:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had this conversation with a friend last night. Well sort of but it is related. I'm not sure if you've gone through a divorce yourself or not, I have and one thing that get's became or rather is highly annoying to me is this.
Why does everyone (well a majority of people) feel it is there right to know every detail about your divorce? Asks why are you getting divorce? Asks will you get back together (it's best for the kids you know)? Most give you the pity line (I'm so sorry). I have to say you get more tired about the pity, the questioning (like you are on trial) and the questions that frankly people have no right asking. Then anything else. More tiring than the divorce itself. It is just about the last thing I and possibly your friend wants to discuss at some times. You begin to wonder can we just have a normal convesation that doesn't dive into my personal life (at least the divorce aspect). Mostly it's nobody elses business.
If you support her then just tell her that if she needs to talk then your there. It is possible that she just feels the same way I do. I have told some of my "best friends" that what I need is to is just have someone to go out with, hang out with, etc. and have a "normal" non-divorce dweling conversation or night out with. It's like all of the sudden divorce is the only thing anyone wants to talk about. What about some of the positive other aspects of life. People seem to entirely forget about the other stuff.
I will also say that "best friends" or not there are certain things that are just between my ex and I. It really isn't public domain and if I don't want to tell you every little aspect about any part of my personal life, Why can't you give me that respect? To a degree you feel like you are in an interview or a trial whenever the subject comes up.
Also, just give her someone to go out and enjoy time with. Depending on your age and where you live it can be very hard to find people to go out with (and I'm not talking about dating). For example, I now live in suburbia and am no longer a twentysomething. So, what I have found is that a number of my close friends no longer live right around the corner and most of my close friends who are in the area are married with children and don't have the ability to go out for a drink, dinner, movie etc. If you have that ability then do it.
So, just be there for her, let her vent or talk about it if she wants, don't forget she still has a life (I hope she does) outside of the divorce and help her advance that life, don't be invasive (pushy), respect her privacy, don't act like someone just died (be positive), give her someone to go out and have fun or what her kids for her (if she has them) and let her get out and enjoy life.
Be a friend not a counselor.
2007-05-28 11:14:26 · answer #2 · answered by Hoosier 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't ever bring it up, but, be there ready to listen when she decides it's time to vent. Also, don't EVER trash her husband again!!! I know, he probably is jerk, but, this still stings her emotionally because "She" choose him! Your telling her that she choose a jerk, in other words, she's an idiot. She didn't chose a jerk, she choose a wonderful, thoughtful, individual, that made some poor decisions that altered his character into something undesirable. Always positive, never negative in emotional trauma! This is psychology 101 stuff, you should know this! You may have just damaged "your" relationship with your friend! You need to do some damage control real fast!!! Call her up and tell her you said some things to help her feel better but, instead it may have hurt her. This will also give you an "in" with her to start communication again!
2007-05-28 10:59:54 · answer #3 · answered by delux_version 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she realizes how right you were!!! So now that you know that things didn't work out for her she's probably wishes she would have listened to you in the first place. Just give her some time to deal with her situation and she'll eventually come around. Just be there for her when she does want to talk that's all you can really do.
2007-05-28 10:57:00 · answer #4 · answered by 24Special 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She did not listen to you the first time and the tendency is she won't listen to you for the second time. She is not ready to hear an "I told you so" remarks. But, if you are a praying person,you can ask her if she could be your prayer partner. And as you pray together, you present your own prayer issues or problems. Later she would do the same. Then, you can pray for each other and at the same time begin to unload the hurts and pains as you talk to the Lord. Believe me, it works!
2007-05-28 11:48:39 · answer #5 · answered by Lucy 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We need to understand that some people need to talk about their issues and need to hear comments from other people, and there are other people that don't do that for multiple reasons. Things have to come out one way or another, but she's the only one who can decide when they'll come out and how.
My suggestion is be there for her, let her know that whenever she wants to talk about it, you'll be there for her, and be patient. If you try to push her into talking, she'll close herself even more. Just make yourself available for when she needs it.
PS: When she does decide to talk about it, don't get that "I told you so attitude", just get some wine and listen.
2007-05-28 10:54:47 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as if she's still not sure that divorce is the answer for her yet. Just let her know you're there for her when and if she's ready to talk about it.
2007-05-28 10:57:15 · answer #7 · answered by Gail T 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
let her know that if she needs any help she can always come to you. Maybe u can try like pretending that nothing happened and inviter her for a cup of coffee and just talk other topics.
2007-05-28 10:56:28 · answer #8 · answered by bom b 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just be there for her -- don't continue to ask questions- don't sit and put her husband down- because at one time she did love the guy- just let her know - if she ever needs to talk.. you'll be there.
thats the best you can do -- if you continue to push her- she will just think you are being nosy.
be there for her IF she ever wants to talk.
2007-05-28 10:52:53 · answer #9 · answered by ★★★ Katharine ♥♥♥♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Step back and let her work through this in her own way. You can be supportive by listening when she needs to vent otherwise don't invade her privacy.
2007-05-28 12:35:07 · answer #10 · answered by dawnb 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋