Pregnant but feeling like I don't want my baby?

Question

Hi, first of all please don't judge me. I'm 26 weeks pregnant & found out I was expecting a wk after me and my boyfriend (father of the baby) split up. He hasn't shown any great interest but we've had the odd few times since we split where he's said he still had feelings and wanted to get back together - the last time was a couple of months ago, and he changed his mind 2 days later after a minor row. I haven't had any positive feelings towards the baby bat all, since I first found out I was pregnant (and just typing that makes me feel so ashamed). I've tried picturing myself in a few weeks or a few months - and even when the baby's much older - and I just don't want it. I don't go out much anyway but I just feel like I don't want to have to take care of a baby at my age (I'm 23); I dont want to have to change it, or feed it...everything I imagine doing, baby-wise just makes me feel depressed, then I feel guilty because the baby doesnt deserve a mum that feels like this about him.

I thought it was the situation with my ex that was making me feel like this and the fact I'm going to be a single mum (which I never thought would happen, as me and my ex had been trying for a baby before we split). I still have feelings for him and he recently said he definitely doesn't ever want to get back together (and ewe couldn't anyway, because his family hate me) but now he's saying he wants to change - he's got 3 sons aged 17,19 and 18 months that he never sees but this week he reckons he's turned over a new leaf. The 2 older boys have moved away but he saw the youngest one twice last week and says he's going to continue being a part of his life. He also says he wants to be involved with my baby, come to my next scan (I have a 4D scan booked), be at the birth and he'd like us to try and stay friends so he can be as involved with the baby as possible - but event hough I've been waiting for my ex to say this for ages, once he did I realised I don't want that.

I don't think I'll be able to handle being 'just friends' with my ex, and having to take the baby round to his place to see his dad for a few hours...at the moment I can't even imagine spending time with my ex as friends. Then I feel awful, because I'm being so selfish. My baby deserves to be able to see his father and I'd be stopping him because it'd be hard for me.
Could it be I'm just not cut out to be a mother or could it be depression or something? Should I get the baby adopted, or hope my feelings will change in time? Please help.

Thanks everyone - flutterbywingz; as much as I'd like us to get back together, I can't see it happening. A few weeks ago when he said he still loved me I thought it was going to happen, but a lot's happened since then and he almost lost his family over it (crazy stuff like me breaking his windows due to him throwing me out of the house at 4am, generally harassing him because I really hated him at the time...never been like that before) so I know he's totally lost his feelings for me. To everyone else; thanks for the advice, it's really helped. I have looked into adoption but I don't think I'd be able to go through with it, for the same reason I couldn't have had an abortion. I think my ex is being his usual controlling self - everything has to be on his terms; I spent ages practically begging him to show an interest in the baby & he said he wasnt bothered, then as soon as he decides he wants to be involved I'm supposed to be ok with that! Grr.

Answer 1

I think a lot of us go thru this at some point during our pregnancies. With my first it was fear of being an inadequate mother... with my second... well I was preggers w/her around 9/11... so... now with this one, I have those feelings on "bad days" with my other 2 kids... y'know, where they walk in all muddy, let the muddy dogs play tug-of-war with their Karate uniforms 20 minutes before its time to get them on... smack each other with sand buckets, refuse to eat dinner, and scream for hours when I tell them to go to bed. I think... How the *heck* am I gonna handle *another* one?!

But then there are those days when you wake p to a cup of coffee (no matter *how* awful... they *tried*), get hugs and kisses all day long, find chores done with no arguement (or mention!) they bring you your favorite blanket and a pillow on the couch when they know you're not feeling good... and offer to give up their rooms for the baby....

Believe me... the good outweighs the bad... and even when I was giving birth to my first, I was afraid... but as soon as I saw her I knew that she would be the light of my life, for the rest of my life. There is serious magic in that moment. Hang in there... you'll make it, and you'll be a great mommy!

Answer 2

Eveeryone has heard of postnatal depression but there is such a thing as antenatal depression, it could be that! Let me tell you a little story, I was with my bf 2 yrs, we split up, but the a month later I found out I was pregnant, I was very depressed, I didn't want to have a baby but I don't believe in abortion, I'm not against it I just could never have one, my bf was very supportive through the pregnancy whilst making it perfectly clear that we would not get back together, it was really hard, I still loved him and I had a feeling he still loved me, once our son was born he bought us all really close, when he was two weeks old we got back together, he's now 8 months, we have a house and are very happy, I am not necessarily saying that this will happen to you, but there is hope, and if you were TTC then you must have wanted to be a mum, a friend of mine was in the same situation as well he and her ex never got back together (luckily, he was a mong) she didn't want a baby the whole time she was pregnant, but as soon as he was born, she changed, I've never seen a better, happier mother!! You WILL love you son or daughter!
Unfortunately you may have to feel a bit crappy in the mean time! Being a mum is hard work but it is the most rewarding job you will ever do!

Good Luck hunni!

Answer 3

I am 35 weeks preg. I understand your feeling about this.
I think and believe that a big part of the depress also came from the hormone and ofcourse from the situation you are dealing with.
About your ex, just don't bother to think of him much now taking care for yourself and I can see many of good single mom. You can be one of them. In finally if you really don't want to have the baby you can do an adoption. Don't care about your ex's dad or family or anything they are just not related to you at all and you dont need to waste your time thinking about them. They have nothing to do with your baby as well.
May be you might change yourmind after you hear the first cry of your baby :)
Hang in there, I think you will get through this well. You will turn to be a strong mom and lovely mom ever.

Best Wishes,

Sherry with 35 weeks

Answer 4

Well firstly, talk to your doctor about it, some woman suffer depression in their pregnancy. Its like post partum but its pre partum I guess.

A lot of woman feel this way in pregnancy, don't beat yourself up about it, there is nothing to be ashamed of. Some women turn around when they start feeling the baby move and the hormones kick in to make you WANT the baby and some don't.

Don't do this to yourself though, it's not fair. What good is a mentally destroyed Mom? Look into adoption and have that option open to you if you don't feel different by the time he is born.

You're right, the baby doesn't deserve a Mom that feels like this. Nor does Mom deserve to feel like this.

It is possible that even though you're carrying the child, he/she is NOT ment for you! No matter how you felt before or what you thought, you never know if you're ready until your in the situation.

Forget your ex, Hon! If you do keep the baby doesn't mean you need to keep him! Also think about if you even want his name of the birth certificate (parental rights for him) if you do keep the baby. Yes, he could be held responsible for the child, but sometimes its just easier if the uncaring father is just not involved.

Check out adoption, talk to your doctor, take time to clear your mind and don't feel guilty about what ever you decide. This is normal for you, it is what is suppose to happen to you, now, you just have to try to make a decision while depressed. You might want to trust the opinions of those CLOSEST to you...

Good Luck to you and baby!

Answer 5

What about adoption? Adoption is a wonderful thing. Give someone a chance to have a child. You should feel forced into this. And the baby does deserve someone that's going to love it, and want to take care of it. Once it's born you may change your feelings. I can relate on not imagining myself as a single mom. My hubby and I have seperated, and I been a single mom. It was really depressing for me too. To know that my hubby was free, doing whatever he wanted, and here I was tied down with a 2 year old.....and I in no way wanted to be "just friends" either. I hope you come to a decision that is good for you, & the baby.

Answer 6

You are suffering from the changing hormones of pregnancy, the stresses of the changes to your body and lifestyle, and you don't have the ideal situation with regards to the boyfriend, so its no wonder that your feeling ambivalent towards the baby.
Please see someone - councilor, religious leader or a close, dear and trusted friend, and talk this through. You cannot make a good decision when you're so mixed up. You need to talk about it, find out the all the alternatives, and make a decision with your head and your heart straight. You need to be supported through out this.
What that could be I couldn't tell you, but I do wish you the very best, whatever your choice.

Answer 7

I would talk to a good counselor. Maybe it isn't time for you to be a mom yet. There a so many people out there who could provided a wonderful home and life for your baby. That does not make you a bad mom or a selfish mom. I was a single mom for many years...and it was not a picnic...When my son was born I had some friends who were unable to have a child. I was going to let them have my son as I knew they would be fantastic parents. The day my son was born they got a call that there had been a baby boy born that day that they could adopt. They did. I kept my son...but had a fantastic support group to help me raise him. As far as "dad" goes...let him go!!! You have enough on your plate already...he sounds like he has too many issues of his own to deal with. Set it all free...you can have a baby when you are ready...And you can get your life on track...don't feel guilty!!!

Answer 8

You should talk to someone like a doctor or midwife or maybe even a therapist. It sounds like you are probably having a bit of depression, or "baby blues", but then again, maybe you just aren't ready or it could be mixed up, confusing feeling over your ex....this is a very emotional time for anyone, especially if you are feeling alone. Just give it some time, talk to someone and if you never feel better about it, there is always adoption....I think things will get better in time, as your heart mends and this heartache and turmoil start to fade.

Answer 9

you should consult a doctor. you do seem depressed and thats normal in pregnancy. you do have mood swings, and in your situation its quite understandable. Taking care of a baby alone is a very difficult task, and doing it all alone is even more difficult. Try and ask your parents if they can help. Once you start feeding the baby the bond will develop and then you will feel how you could have a life without the baby. As concerns your boyfriend, i really dont know how reliable he is as a dad. He should have taken the decision of being a part of the baby's life as soon as you knew of the pregnany. Why is he wanting that now?

Answer 10

I know some people and doctors say you can't feel the baby move until later but I felt this one between 12 and 13 weeks and this is my third pregnancy so I know what I am feeling. I am now 19 weeks and he is getting more active. Congratulations and good luck!