How to move on after infidelity?

Question

I have been married for 12 years and I thought I could not ask for anything more. Good children, good home, a good husband-- or so, I thought. A few months ago, I discovered that he had been cheating on me. Confronted, he admitted the affair and begged for forgiveness. I feel that he truly is very sorry and has since been very attentive, caring, loving. I am still devasted. I do want to forgive him and move on from here, but I keep getting these flashbacks, and I am left broken. Time heals all wounds, they say. But when will it feel more like a scar instead of a wound?

Answer 1

I speak from experience, unfortunately. It took me a few years to let go of the hurt and angry feelings and more to trust again. Then I read a book titled "Women Who Love Too Much." Not everything applied but it helped immensely and I was able to let go of the hurt and anger and eventually trust again. Professional therapy might be very helpful and really should be sought out for both of you individually and as a couple. He needs to figure out why he did what he did and you need to figure out if you can go on in the relationship and how to do that. Try at least one or two sessions to see if it will work for you. They say once a cheater, always a cheater. I don't necessarily agree with that. If the two of you are truly committed to the marriage, get professional help. Best wishes.

Answer 2

He has broken your trust as well as your heart. That's a big heal job. A few months isn't nearly enough time. Betrayal is a very, very big hurt. I know it will be very hard for you to ever trust him again. If you could find a good marriage councilor that might help. Your marriage will never be the same again. I hope you went and got tested for disease, because there are some deadly ones out there now. He didn't love you enough to remain faithful in the face of lustful temptation. I know you have a million questions about the whole thing. Don't let him blame it on you, because he may eventually do just that. Now you will be wondering what he is doing every time he is away. You'll be checking on phone calls, Internet connections, dates and times. Devastated is the right word for it. You are still reeling from the shock of it. So I suggest you don't make any decisions for quite some time. You may regret quick decisions later on. Don't commit to him one way or the other until you have had plenty of time to think this all over.

Answer 3

Ok, there are some problems here. First of all, he was confronted before he admitted to it and begged for forgiveness. This means he would have just kept on doing it until someone found out. Cheating means not only did he not respect your marriage, he didn't respect you as a person and your values. He didn't even respect your family. Of course he is being a good guy NOW that you found out. He doesn't want you to leave because you're his safety net. He isn't sorry; he's sorry he got caught. Once you decide to stay with him and trust him, and he'll wait for that day, he'll go right back and do it again. If you don't believe me, try it. It'll happen. It may take years, but it will happen. Time does not heal all wounds. It simply makes them more distant. You'll always remember this, and you'll always think of what he did. You don't deserve that. You deserve someone who will respect you and make you happy. You deserve someone you can trust. And don't buy that "stay together for the kids" nonsense either. When your kids find out, and believe me, no matter how old they are, they'll find out someday, you don't want them thinking their mother stayed with a man who did that to her. You don't want them to think that is okay in any way. You lead by example. Don't let your kids believe it is ok to stay with someone who does that to you. Because if it happens to them, they'll do what you did, most likely. And you don't want that. Bottom line: you'll never forget this. Maybe he is sorry. Small chance, but maybe. You'll still always think of it. Is it worth that? Is it worth it to show your kids that? It really isn't. If you want to try, go to couples therapy. But when it happens again, and it most likely will, don't make the same mistake twice.

Answer 4

I'm sorry to say that I don't believe that time heals all wounds. Some wounds are so deep they never completely heal. For some people, not all mind you, infidelity is one of those devastating wound causes.

Since I'm guessing that your pain is coming across to your husband in your behavior and/or attitude, you need to keep in mind that human nature is such that when someone shows dislike/distrust towards another, this is usually reciprocated. Your (fully justified) ill feelings will eventually result in ill feelings on his side as well (not-so-justified but just as real.)

I have known couples that used the "payback" concept but that can make things worse for obvious reasons. So maybe it just means settling for a life of disappointment in your partner. Lowered expectations will make both your lives easier if sadder. Then maybe one day you'll wake up and have moved on.

Answer 5

I've been there and done that: this "move on" and "it'll make you stronger" is all B.S. it reads good and looks good but, try it.
Every time you have an argument, it'll come up, granted. You going to want to know, did he do this to her, did her do that to her. It's human nature, he'll say "we only did this once" that's B.S. too.

He knows that he got away with it, he just paid the price and now he's free. He'll be watching you, believe that or not, to see if your going to "get even" with him. Many do.

Your former relationship is over. The rest of your life is up to you. You have to rebuild of course but, with a different mind, a different soul. First, did this happen at work. If so, what's he doing about it, they can't work together anymore, that's apparent.
Will you and he have to leave the area, will he be seeing her around there. Etc. think about it.

Answer 6

First of all, Sorry your having to go thru this. Unfortunately, the only one who can relieve your strife is you. Do you want to give your marriage another chance? Can you forgive and FORGET? Will you ever be able to trust him again? Is he truly remorseful or just protecting his wallet? Will it eat at you day in and day out until you become paranoid and bitter? These are the things a professional can help you work out if you chose to give it one more try. Just don't close your eyes, blame yourself or bury your head in the sand. Remember who broke the trust and I wish you the best what ever you choose to do. Keep your head up and live well. Life's too short not to!

Answer 7

all i can say is about me he cheated three years together, took him 6 monthes to tell me all of what happened, i actually heard and felt my heart break, now I cant look at a certain type of woman, I cant trust him, and the pain he has caused is still as strong 6 monthes down the line, and I still feel hes lying, so all in all im leaving him very soon, I can not live like this, if he loved me he wouldnt have cheated on me simple as that, and he doesnt seem sorry for what hes done, so im off soon.

Answer 8

It is a tough question. You may want to give him a second chance since he is changing his behavior. But make it clear to him how bad you feel about him cheating on you. Remind him that trust is the key to a successful relationship.

You should also try to understand why he cheated on you. Perhaps you neglected him?. Well, I do not know, I am just thinking of what could be the reason.

But you need to watch out since he might do it again. It is like going to prison once and you are likely to commit the second offence. Now that he knows your reaction - that you havent left him, he might do it again.

If that happens, I think you should quit this relatioship, so that he understands.

Answer 9

I suspect that you probably need to ask this question of someone who can actually help you work through the minefield -- say, a professional therapist/counselor.

From my own perspective, I don't think it's possible (nor desirable) to forgive and forget under such a circumstance. But then, I'm a first-rate hard-*** about a lot of things.

Seriously -- find yourself a counselor.

Answer 10

We all make mistakes. Unfortunately more marriages have an affair than not. The point is he loves YOU, he wants YOU, he is staying with YOU and treats you very well. Do not let this turn you bitter. Start over and make sure you have a date alone one night a week.