I have failed as a wife, and I want to make it better, what can I do?

Question

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. I met him when I was going through a very rough time, and a seperation from my first husband, whom I was married to for 9 years. I have a severe anger problem, and when I get mad, I yell and scream, cuss, and blame everything on him, whether he had anything to do with it or not. I have tried to change, I've tried to walk away from things, and approach them when I've calmed down, and for about a week, things are ok. My husband is a wonderful man, a great husband, a good provider, and the man I want to spend my life with. I've explained to him many times that I am sorry for my temper, and my outburts, and that I don't mean to take it out on him. He told me he understands, but I know that I've crushed his spirit, and for the life of me, I can't control myself when I get in one of my "moods." I've been diagnosed as being Bipolar, and talk to a counselor once a week. How can I be the wife he deserves?

Answer 1

First of all, allow me to congratulate you for being an adult and recognizing there is a problem. You are also wanting to fix this problem. That is WONDERFUL news! :-)

Acknowledging there's a problem is the first step to resolving the problem. Wanting to change is also excellent as you are now open to suggestions.

My suggestions are:

1) Discuss with your counselor about increasing your once-a-week sessions to more often.

2) With a bipolar diagnosis, as much as you may not like it, medications are sometimes required to help with the "moods" and can change your life for the better! Talk with your counselor about this.

3) Maybe anger management classes would help you?

4) In this computer age we live in, try to keep a diary in a word document where you can vent your frustrations/anger/etc at an inanimate object (your computer) and not another human being (your husband).

5) Self-help books on bipolar, anger management, etc. may give insight and assistance.

6) Couple or individual counseling. After all, your husband is suffering with you and needs an outlet as well.

Always remember: Psychological disorders are NOT YOUR FAULT! What matters is what you do about it as an adult.

And what you are doing deserves kudos!! :-)

I truly hope these suggestions help you and your husband.

Best of luck to you both. :-)

Answer 2

The first step is knowing that you have a problem that is causing you and your husband concern, even though he says he understands. You are blessed to have him. Knowing that you are bipolar, there is medication available to temper and control and monitor your moods. Please make sure you are under the doctor's care and are receiving the best type of medication for your situation. I am not recommending that you jump into meds, but if you have been diagnosed and your doctor approves, perhaps this might help you as you get it together. I, too, have had similar issues and my moods were always swinging left to right. It played real havoc with my boyfriend and I and caused our breakup. When I discovered what was wrong - depression - and my doctor offered some low dosages of Cymbalta, I could not get over the change in me. Things don't bother me as much now and I am not as 'fussy'. I feel for you and I pray that you will seek the continued help you need to get a grip on your anger problem. You have a very patient husband and you are blessed to have him. I pray that you will be successful in your efforts and that your family will be blessed by the positive changes in you. God bless.

Answer 3

First of all, apologies, no matter how much you mean them, mean little to another person if you don't change the behavior. I understand you may not be able to help your behavior, and you are trying to talk to someone to help that. You need to be on meds if you still can't help your mood swings; bipolar is a disorder that results from a chemical imbalance in your brain. You aren't doing this solely because you need to "talk it out." You need something to fix this imbalance. If you have taken meds and they didn't work, get them changed. If different meds have been tried with no result, then maybe you DO have bipolar disorder, but thats not the reason you are still doing this to your husband. Couples counseling could be helpful, but maybe you are using a real disorder that you really have to make excuses for an uncontrollable temper. Continue to see your psychiatrist, and I say psychiatrist because they should be giving you meds, and try some anger management. He should understand that it might take a little time to get into the groove of your meds. Be patient. I know it hurts to go through this, but have faith. You can't control this if bipolar disorder is causing it. It's not your fault.

Answer 4

I am going to speak honestly here. I was reading your situation and had an answer ready until I read that you are diagnosed BI POLAR. Which kind of changes everything. But you still asked the question regardless, so I will answer it as if you were not.

I believe the problem is HIS for being too tolerant.

I realize that may not be something you want to hear but hear me out. . . . .

Its in a man's nature to want to make things work. When the stereo or the car is broken, we want to take care of it the quick and easy way, RIGHT away. Its the way men are. "if its broke, I can fix it." But many men dont realize is that this does NOT work with women in relationships or marriages. Its NEVER that easy.

EVER.

Men must take another approach and have the same standards they would have if it were the CAR that was no working. They would NEVER tolerate it if the car kept "breaking down". They would scream and cuss right back! And not let the car get away with it. While you might think I am oversimplifying, It sounds strangely like you would behave differently if he didnt' always "understand" and DEMANDED that as long as he is a GREAT husband to you, you would make every effort to NEVER treat him in any other way. Even if it meant quietly retreating to another room until you have puled yourself together.

You have already said --> "My husband is a wonderful man, a great husband, a good provider, and the man I want to spend my life with". Well I couldn't help but wonder . . . . if he is doing such a GREAT JOB, then why is he putting up with your bad behavior???

If you (as YOU said) have a terrible temper, outbursts and dont mean to take it out on him...blamig everything on HIM wether its his fault or NOT.... then why DO you??

I can't imagine for the LIFE of me that HE would say "he understands". Particularly when he is scoring huge points in the husband department (even by YOUR standards).

He's being nice. TOO nice. No man who is doing a GREAT job as a husband in all areas should tolerate and "understand" why he is being blamed for things that aren't his fault.... having to tolerate moods and outbursts and severe anger problems etc. From what I understand (my friend's fiancee is bipolar), your condition is not entirely "behavioral". It's a condition that more accurately affects your thought process, and ability to rationalize.

Maybe the problem is not really YOURS to solve. You ARE the way you are... and you even came out and said you are diagnosed with a condition which explains your behavior. But DOES IT REALLY????

The PROBLEM here could be HIS . . . . when you look at it from another perpsective. OR the problem may also be that you are "conveniently" using your diagnosed condition to justify your behavior and perhaps they are not at all related.

Its not entirely uncommon for women in intimate / close relationships to "test" their men... even without knowing it.
I feel confident that (deep down) every woman knows what I am talking about on some level. They will press, push and insist , to see exactly HOW MUCH it will TAKE to bring the "MAN" out of him.

It may do some good to TALK to him and tell him if YOU want things to work, perhaps he can INSIST (and YOU wil agree) that when your behavior gets out of hand he will INSIST RIGHT BACK that you will NOT adress him in such a way, and he can leave the room until you are prepared to discuss them in a rational manner.

Perhaps this will make things better for BOTH of you.

HOWEVER... if you maintain that your condition make syou behviour toward him PERFECTLY JUSTIFIABLE UNDER ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, then I completely withdraw my reponse.

I hope this helped in some way.

Answer 5

See whether you need medications. Ask your counselor first about it and check with other sources if your counselor doesn't help you. Bipolar disorder is not just an emotional problem. It is actually a disorder in your brain. I'm not telling you this to make your feel worse. I am on a good medicine that has helped me greatly. I spent 21 years on another medicine that I can no longer take. It is extremely important that you take care of this so that you can live a beautiful life that you can truly enjoy.

Answer 6

You're someone wonderful, you want to change, and be the best for your wonderful husband, that's great. But know that for everyone, it's everyday work.

Being bipolar is very complicated as you well know. It's good that you're getting help, and please continue.
In the meantime, I can suggest that when you have one of your outbursts (since most of the times, you don't have a real control, and it's a sort of relief), try to be in front of the mirror. Seing your reflexion may make you stop to look at who's staring back at you.

Answer 7

Well I think going to a counselor once a week helps. I would read the book five languages of love and figure out what his language is. Continue to walk away when you are angry. I would consider anger management classes. Good luck.

Answer 8

Don't give up. There is hope. Your husband sounds like he does not want to give up on you, so don't give up on yourself.
If you want an alternate to your treatment for bipolar disorder, try giving a call to the doctor at the website I listed below. I had a chemical imbalance and chronic depression myself and getting advice from this doctor has helped me.

Answer 9

Treatment is the first step you could take to showing to your husband that you're trying to change for the better. Maybe you should also go to couples therapy and see if that helps. I really hope everything works out with you.

Answer 10

Well, making sure that he understands all about what bi-polar is and what he can expect should help. Also, make sure that you tell him - how GREAT he is like you did in your post - more often then you get bent out of shape. It's like filling a jelly bean jar - give him enough tasty ones and those yucky black ones he wants to avoid - won't be so irritating.