Someone please help me....Please.?

Question

I am in desperate need of a few words of advice, and since I have no one in this life I can turn to...maybe a few of you kind hearted people can help me through this. I am a 19 year old female muslim living in America all my life. My family comes from a quite traditionally conservative family. All my life they have expected me to be arranged to someone and get married, and although I quiety nodded, I know I cannot go through with it. I have met the most amazing guy of my life, who just makes me smile no matter what. He is simply perfect for me. Problem is, he is White. I am Pakistani. I want to marry him, he even proposed to me and I said yes. Now I do not know what to do. I dont know if I have to pick him or my family, because I know I can only have one. I tried breaking off ties with him, I cried my eyes out, he just wouldnt let go. he begged me...he said his life lay in my hands, and I just couldnt stand hearing that from him and seeing him so hurt. He is willing to convert for me

He is willing to do ANYTHING. His family is so supportive. They have helped both of us so much. problem is, my family doesnt even know who this guy is. They can see something is up, but they have no idea to what extent I am serious. All my life, my parents told me to not "ashame" them by doing something like this, and never did I imagine myself to be in this position. It just happened, and I do not know what to do. I even contemplated suicide...but I dont know :( I have done so much wrong in my life, I hate myself. Killing myself would only do both sides so much harm. What can I do? How should I tell them about this guy? He is converting for me...what else can he do? How is the islamic marriage process?

Is there anything that can make this easier on them? Remember, they want me to be arranged. You have no idea how bad my life has been. I have never even been allowed to have a b/f. I have always considered myself weird. And now I am forced with the biggest decision of my life. Help me.

Answer 1

I know your culture is different than ours, but your family needs to understand this is America and we can choose who we want. Now, your parents will probably never adjust to the idea of marrying this guy, so will you be prepared to be without them in your life? Talk to them and explain how you feel about him and maybe even have him meet them. If they are strict the only way is to make them understand your happiness rides on this. All parents wants their child to be happy. I wish I knew some magic words you could say to them, but it is up to your parents how they react about this.

Answer 2

I think you should stay with this guy if he makes that happy. I have family from Pakistan I know how they arranged marriages but my cousin now lives in Washington and has a child but doesn't have a husband and you know how that is wrong to her family but they love the baby and they still keep in contact with her and the baby if your parents love you and want to see you happy and they have been in the united states for 19 years they have to come to terms with you are of age to do whatever you want not what they want that's why everyone comes here for the freedom you remember that and do what makes you happy this is your life it is what you make it. and don't attempt suicide that will do no good just harm and there is no easy way to tell them it will hurt them no matter what but you are there daughter they will eventually come around at least his family is supportive and you have someone... hope this helps if you need to talk further my name is Sarah and my e-mail is [e-mail]

Answer 3

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It is very difficult for anyone who is not a Muslim and who does not know your parents, to give you any advice.We do tend to see things very differently, and most of us do not really understand too much about arranged marriages. We have a lot of very strict Muslims in our country ( South Africa) and I know they would also not be pleased about a situation like this. The only advice ( If you can even call it that) I can give you, is to talk to another Muslim in whom your parents place a great deal of trust. He could then act as a go between. I know this will be difficult for you to do, but if you explain that your boyfriend is willing to convert, it may go a long way to helping them see things from your point of view. Good luck, and I do hope you are able to work this out with your parents.

Answer 4

Hi,

There is something VERY ODD here: You asked how is the Islamic marriage process? Aren't you from Pakistan? You would know that answer. I am thinking that this is a prank. If it is not and you are very serious, you should ask your family that question without letting them on to you ( it was a subject discussed in class, or something like that). Your culture is very different from the American culture which makes marrying outside your religion dangerous, if not taboo. From my experience with Pakistanis and Indian friends from college, they'd had to conform to their family's expectations. Many of them found some unexpected measure of satisfaction after marriage. I don't think conversion would make much of a difference if your family is conservative. You'd have to address the issue in a delicate manner in order to make the most comfortable decision for you and your beau: to elope to someplace far away or to conform to family obligation. Assess first what the consequences would be and which you'd be willing to accept: death threat? beating? being disowned? criticism? The final decision is yours.

Answer 5

I am sorry that you have to be involved in such a religion that doesn't allow you choices but since you are, you have none. Not if you want to know your family and be involved with them. Suicide is not a choice. You have to learn to deal with what you have been dealt with such a restrictive religion or clear out entirely and have your own life with your new man....leaving all behind. His converting is not the answer and shouldn't be. He should be able to be the man you love and his religion should be his own as long as you can put a life together that way. Normally melding two such definitively different religions doesn't work regardless but you have a choice. If you are living in the States, that is what freedom of religion is all about. If you need your family, you cannot choose this man. Now you understand what it means to be free and yet you just don't have the ability to have that freedom with your religion.

Answer 6

Its really sad that you have to be in this position. I can tell that this is a really serious matter, especially if your family is involved. Sucide is never the answer. I don't want to just tell you to do things because its easier said than done. But i think that when it comes to love, it is better to marry someone you love than to marry someone you don't know at all. Its difficult either way because who is to say this american guy will stay with you forever. But then it is important that you start living life the way you want. I know, you owe your parents a lot because they're your parents but then it is your life. You have to choose your happiness and hopefully you'll choose the path that you yourself want. Parents will always have reasons to dictate your life. Imagine after marrying this arranged guy, even after that you'll have to do other things to uphold that honor. Maybe talk to your parents and tell them that you love them and that you're grateful for what they've done and it is your life and you have to live it the way you want. If you end up doing what people want you to do, in the end you will regret it. Even if you do end up with a wealthy guy, who is to say that he'll love you the way you deserved to be love. I know its hard but you have to decide for yourself. Listen to what your heart tells you, even if in the end you don't get what you want but atleast you know that you've choosen that road and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. Its your happiness, go and chase after it.

Answer 7

This is really a dilemma, but please, please don't think about suicide, your life is too much valuable, don't do such a thing.
You are not bad, you only don't fit perfectly in the traditions and rules of your religion, but that doesn't make you a bad human being.
Anyway you can't go on like this. Your boyfriend shouldn't put all responsibility on your shoulders, he is responsible for his own happiness. If your boyfriend really loves you he should go to your parents and ask them if he could marry you, their daughter. If they don't agree and are against this marriage, then you might consider to break with your parents and follow your boyfriend. It's your life!

Answer 8

calm down. you have a very caring and loving man in your life, you are so lucky. why dont you see a psychologist for a while ? s/he migh thelp you how to comunicate with your family too. you have nothign to lose.
most of the people share the same worries about their life like you, but you are healthy, you have a great man loving you, you live in a very nice country, you are familiar with two differnt cultures-which is an intellectually richness for you, you are young, your family loves you and want the best for you too.. so there are too many positive things. your family just wants your goodness, so you and your man need to show that you are serious about eachother and let your family to know about him. i m sure he will help you to overcome soem traditional difficulties,too. explain your worries to him openly and say him that you would liek to be with him too. we all effort to be the one we love, because we know those people worth it. if you feel that your heart is belong to him, then you dry your eyes and effort in a cool mind. true loves overcomes everything, dont worry. you will smile to these days in a few months later.

Answer 9

You need to seek the help of someone within reach - not via the Internet!
Your feelings toward self require Immediate attention!
And how to handle this situation is going to require some help... quite possibly third-party intervention to help diffuse possible emotional eruptions from surprised/disappointed family members! Someone who understands your cultural and religious beliefs!
Do not wait for help from the Internet. Find someone now. A trusted family member? Grandparent - Auntie - Uncle - Cousin... A trusted close family friend?
I recommend that you do it - now!

Answer 10

How sad,

As my mom always said, "when in doubt, don't." Sounds like this applies to you.

Besides, you are too young to get married. go back to school to qualify for a good job. All you need is to get married, have some kids, and the guy changes his mind.... there you are suck, no job, no education, raising children you really were not prepared to raise......

Hon, education and kids are forever.... lovers and husbands are not.