We are getting back together... I should be happy right????!!!!!!!1?

Question

{ in a nutshell }
My wife and i have been together 6 years married for 4... our son is 4 years old.. I found out at the first of the year ( Jan 2007 ) that she had been having an affair with my best friend for 8 month.. WOW. DAMN... WTF.... I think the fact that HURT the most was i had been friends with this dude since 1st grade... {KEY WORD : HAD}.. I have washed my hands of him and all his friends..
Now back to my wife .. I have forgivin both of them for the mistake that they made but how do i move on! Forgive and Forget , to me , are two different things. This first half of the year has been like an emotional rollorcoaster that flew off the tracks. I love my wife very deeply and i feel that she knows she made a misstake because she came to me asking forgivness and for us to continue our relationship. ?! Okay.... so..................... wtf.... now what...... I just dont know how to move on from this.....
Any one out there going through the same problem , or have any advise

Answer 1

not to be overly negative but........your marriage will never be the same again and you will never be able to trust her again. since trust is or should be the foundation of every healthy relationship, you might as well move on with your life now instead of the next time she jacks you around. I have been through this and have learned twice now the hard way. take care of yourself.

Answer 2

The most important thing that the two of you can do now is to get into marriage counseling. You honestly will need this in trying to get your marriage back on track. There are a lot of issues that the two of you are going to need to work through. Also, there can never be any contact what so ever with this friend ever again! I am sure that you have a lot of questions you need to ask and get cleared up.....and there has to be a plan on what measures she will take in preventing this from ever happening again. It will take a long time to work through all of your emotions because the trust was broken. Many couples have survived infidelity and their marriage sometimes becomes stronger. Manily because you both get to the bottom of the problems that caused the behavior and you deal with them instead of running away from them. It also awakens one another that you should never take each other forgranted. I will not kid you that all this will take some work on both your parts and there will be times that you will think of things even when things are good. This is the time that she will have to understand the pain and hurt it caused you. This is when things lay heavy on your heart and she will have to hold you till you feel it pass. There will also be times that she will feel shame and guilt about herself and that is the the time you take each other by the hand and get out of the house and do something. I suggest that you have someone you trust to babysit your son once in awhile so that the two of you can be alone. Take each other out somewhere different and get a hotel room with a jacuzzi, some wine and candles and spend some romantic time together. This will be the time for recommitment and rebuilding the relationship back . The foundation is still there but it has a big crack in it and you can fix it and it can be strong again. But, you both will have to work on it and you both have to truly want to do it. You do this by taking it one day at a time. Always remember that two wrongs don't make a right and once you choose to forgive you let it go......there can be no revenge to get even .......to forgive does not mean that you will ever forget it and with time and effort on both parts the hurt will fade little by little. You both will be starting all over again and the future can be whatever the two of you make of it. I really wish the two of you all the luck in the world. I know that things will be difficult for you but you must remember united we stand ...divided we fall. So stay strong and give it your best and the two of you will find peace and happiness again sweetie.

Answer 3

Oh, hon, this is an easy one, and briefly, before you read this, be aware that to save this marriage, you guys will need some counseling, and here's why:

Marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust. With that betrayal, the trust is in the toilet, it is really rough when you get the visual of the lady getting pronged by another guy, and the admiration and passion are in the toilet as well.... why wouldn't you be angry, and having a difficult time of it all???? And as you you say, WTF!!!

Be fully aware that it will be two years, if at all, that you will again trust her. LOVE? You love what she once was, what you have as an image of her. You sure as hell don't love her now, because of betrayal.... about the only thing that you taste is that.

Sweetie, your relationship cannot, absolutely cannot go forward until you heal the past... forgive and forget is crap. You will never do either... what counseling will help you do is put it in prospective, and help you push it back so that it no longer interfers with your relationship... Forget? Not hardly, and not for a loooooggg time. Forgive. No as well. But understanding in time, and with help.


'You don't know how to move on from this?????' No one does, until you get some help, and if she as well wishes to save your marriage, run, don't walk to the best marriage counselor in your city.... you and she have way more issues to deal with that you are even aware of...

Answer 4

I totally understand what you're feeling. This is something that unfortunately will never escape your mind and you're always going to wonder when it will happen again. 8 months is a very, very long time for her to come home and live a lie with you. I'm so sorry to be so blunt with you, but it is most likely that the reason your wife wanted you back is because she realized that the man she was with didn't want to take responsibility, marry her, or be a father to someone else's kid. If the creep wanted that responsibility, do you think she'd be running back to you? It's painful enough to accept that the one you love has deceived you. But it's cruel when that person then uses you as leftovers because the main course hit the road. It is important to understand that a person who commits infidelity has a character defect. It's not a mistake, it's who they are and how they respond. Therapy may change your perspective, but it won't change her defect and it will never teach her how to have a good character. A person either has moral values or they don't. You deserve to have a person in your life who will love you, be honest with you, and make you feel comfortable and content with how they behave. You should not have to live day after day looking over your shoulder. That's not happiness. Try to imagine how wonderful it would be to be someone who could put your mind at ease and ask yourself "honestly" will I ever feel that way with my wife.

Answer 5

You are a strong man. I really hope this works out for you and am sorry your wife cheated. (Did she confess or did you find out and she admitted it?) If she confessed without you knowing previously then there is a good chance you will both heal.
I am horrified your best friend did not tell you because if he had approached her surely she would have told you??? That is the only question I have - otherwise yes if you are able to fix it up and make it work then do so. I
Despite having repeatedly told people on YA that once a cheat always a cheat there appears to be genuine contrition on her part. You will not forget it, nor can you be expected to, only God can forget past sins but you can forgive and you can heal. If you accept the challenge (because it is one) and come through it ok then you will be a tremendous help to others. But before you put your head on the block please have a heart to heart with her and tell her she will not get a second chance.

Answer 6

You r following your vows to her even though she broke hers. If she loves u jamie is wrong!!! She won't do it again but this is where you must trust in where her weaknesses lie. Is she the moral person? Something made her turn to the other man . I expect that was your lack of attention so therefore You must also take the blame. The 1 thing I find so wrong is why did she choose your best friend? Is she EVIL ... Take a long look at the issues b/c sounds like she puposely tried to hurt you which means shes not worth holding on to .... Affairs can happen from weakness to the flesh but a best friend wowwwwwwwwwwwww U need to research your feelings well before u take her back. You have alot of work ahead of you. Is it worth it? do not do it for the kid. They grow up then just maybe u will be alone . Maybe not.....

Answer 7

Forgiveness is a heart issue, you can forgive doesn't mean you forget, thats part of the problem. Thats why many carry through with divorce and why there is divorce. When one can't get beyond and forgive resentment can fester. The question is did you really forgive and deal with it properly and talk it out with your mate as to your feelings in and honest, open forum. This maybe and ongoing problem if you truly haven't forgiven, obviously you won't forgive thats the human nature part of each individual. Make sure you have forgiven from the heart and if the love is there you can pick up the pieces and move forward. the question is the offender truly sorry or sorry she got caught ?? Both sides need addressing in my opinion..

Answer 8

May I recommend marital counseling? Right now, you are trying to get back the trust that was blown in the relationship. The fact that she came to you and confessed is a REALLY good start; she realizes that she made a mistake and loves you. The tough part is redefining the relationship now; the affair has occurred. What may have caused it? How do you get back to each other now? What are your long-term goals and dreams in the relationship now? The counseling will help you both with moving past this, and strengthening your marriage. Your child truly needs you both now; though children don't always understand what's going on, they can sense tension in a relationship. It scares them, and they need reassurance that everything is going to be alright. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 9

The only way you will be able to move on is to not only forgive, you need to put it in the past, that's part of forgiving.

Everyone makes mistakes, yes that was a big one but as long as you learn from your mistakes and don't repeat them then you can move on.

You need to work on rebuilding your trust in the relationship.

I know you probably don't want to hear this but, it takes 2 people to make or break any relationship, not just marriage also friendships.

People tend to blame the issue on the person that did the most visable damage but they would not have done what they did if there was no reason.

If everything is fine and all your needs are met in a relationship then you don't need to stray nor do you stray.

You need to figure out what is wrong in your relationship that made her want to look elsewhere to fulfill her needs and repair that.

Until you repair was was wrong that created her doing what she did you run the risk of it happening again.

Good luck, I've been there and done that, it's not easy but it is important if you want to move on and have a happy life together.

Answer 10

First of all, I don't think you should be happy at all. I think you should be nervous and enter this situation with trepidation. It is nice that your wife wants to continue her relationship with you, but I don't think being happy about it is a normal response. You should be feeling angry, untrusting and lonely. Secondly, if you are interested in pursuing a relationship with your wife, the both of you need to find a good counselor. Your desire to move on from this is a great start but the damage the affair caused is likely to cause grief similar to experiencing the death of a loved one.
My advice is for each of you to live separately for a while and during that time to seek individual counseling. You should work on your hurt and your wife should work on whatever caused her to have the affair. You should also go to couples therapy to work on your relationship and slowly come back together again. It will be a long painful process, but if you truely love each other and want to stay together, its worth it.

Answer 11

The advice I would give is for your wife. She should be patient and understanding that you have to heal on your own time/terms. For you, it is important to understand that forgiving is the easy part...forgetting in another story. Seek the help of a professional, so you can vent and not go off on your wife.

I am going through the same thing with my husband, so I can imagine how you feel. I am trying to forget, but seems to always be in the back of my mind. I am trying to trust, but it seems impossible to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. But, you just have to take it one day at a time and focus on the good parts and try and make it better!