I need comments on this poem, can I expect genuine views?

Question

Knowledge

Mind, a beautiful spider, is at work.
It has woven a deadly trap.

Perceptions are painting the walls of reality,
Everyone known to me breathe predictably.
Just few sentences with them,
And, I start thinking about leaving.
World outside seems so boring,
It is mirroring my inside.

Everything smells alike,
When its not, somehow.
Life appears to be ugly,
Instead fingers pointing my own eyes.
My feet are running by themselves,
Is this really a still ground?

Reality blinded by explanations,
Or, is it my own mind?

Answer 1

Beautiful!!
Have u written this??

Every youth thinks the same. Including me.

specially these lines...
"World outside seems so boring,
It is mirroring my inside.

Reality blinded by explanations,
Or, is it my own mind?"

Life is what we perceive of it.
Bliss

Answer 2

Too many extraneous words junking it up. It could be better if it was something like this :

A beautiful spider has woven a deadly trap.
Perceptions of the mind paint the walls of reality,
Everyone breathes predictably.
A few sentences cause thoughts of escape
Outside boredom mirrors the inner soul.

Something like that...in a poem you should never use I and me...it is accepted that you are writing your thoughts and the use of I and me take away from it's poetic value. But the context is very good....just work on re-wording a little bit and you'll have a fantastic poem.

Answer 3

honestly, I like what you intend to convey but merging it with poetry does so little. philosophy and poetry can have a good marriage, but you'll have to work for it.

details:

/Mind, a beautiful spider, is at work.
It has woven a deadly trap.// --good lines and line cuts!

/Perceptions are painting the walls of reality,/ --good line again.

/Everyone known to me breathe predictably./ --sounds corny, you can express this line in a thousand way; don't say things as it is unless it helps the poem. suggestion: "thousands of murmurs sound familiar.." or "millions of hackneyed breath..."

/Just few sentences with them,/ --huh?? can you hear waht you're writing? this line makes your first line impotent although it is connected to the preceding line. suggestion: "few pedestrian words spoken/heard.."

/And, I start thinking about leaving./ --think of other words other than "thinking about leaving." you're stating a fact again. this a poem, not an statement!

/World outside seems so boring,/ --overly used line.

/It is mirroring my inside.// --"mirroring my inside"? or "my inside reflection"?.

/Everything smells alike,/ --good! make use of the senses.

/When its not, somehow./ --satisfactory follow up. the line cut can be improve though.

/Life appears to be ugly,/ --"appears to be ugly" must be consistent to "...smells like".

/Instead fingers pointing my own eyes./ --are you saying there are fingers pointing in front of your eyes or fingers pointing what your eyes must see? rephrase.

/My feet are running by themselves,/ --"by themselves" weakens this line. "My feet are running" is still effective.

/Is this really a still ground?/ --voila! very good! it gives your reader an insight to "My feet are running". listen /my feet are running/.../Is this really a still ground?/ cool.

/Reality blinded by explanations,/ --metaphorical fallacy! do you think reality can be blinded? i think the proper word is "blurred", or "hazed"

/Or, is it my own mind?/ --hackneyed and overused but effective ending.

Answer 4

Honest feedback- Good job, you are clever for sure!
I must agree with some editing this is an incredible piece, reword it [words with "ing" and "I or me" are seen as naive usage] most are done in third person to open it up for personal recognition by the reader.

Emotionally Direct and moving. Yet it lingers too long to read.
I like the use of the senses, yet I personally would have liked you to recap the spider senses in the end to "close" the piece, like book ends of words.

Keep up the work, you may get published with your skills.
I would have you join a poetry group, that it for authors of poetry, not the "snapping coffee house crowd" and get real technical advice and build it up. Bravo!

Answer 5

This didn't strike me so much as poetry, more like a story. It seems to portray a cynical, bored person with no real interest in life or the people around. If this is a picture of how you really feel, then you need to wake up to the wonderful world around you. You have good writng skills. They need a little work. Blessings on you.

Answer 6

We all feel alienated sometimes, like we're looking down on our own lives from the outside. When we become jaded, the extraordinary becomes ordinary. Longfellow was a great poet because he kept child's sense of wonder as an adult. I personally like to use fewer words in a poem, it makes each line have a bigger impact.

Answer 7

Well, I am not exactly a great fan of poetry but I read the poetry through. Rather gloomy isn't it? I hope you are not like what is written there. If you are, you need help. God bless you.

There are many book review groups and writing and publishing groups on yahoo. Post the poems there and get better responses. Good luck.

Answer 8

Summary of my genuine view.

Virtually everyone writes predictably on yahoo.

It has no message, no observation, no questions, no answers, no substance, no flow, and no conclusion, and is depressing. It does not inspire, it is completely lost, yet you call it Knowledge.

You appear to have discovered so little in life.
We all breathe predictably, but there is so much interest in everyone if you open your eyes. How can anyone congratulate you as a poet for finding nothing worthy of comment in the world????

Answer 9

Dont talk about the boredumb of wisdom. Make the reader experience it. Thats the difference between a work of art, and journalism.

Answer 10

If your feet are running by themselves you better run to the damn doctor!

Seriously, this is pretty good. Seems to me you are someone who has realized that life and state of mind are mostly illusions inflicted on us by society.