is it unhealhty to accept a marriage with someone you still resent?

Question

i'm planning to marry someone,
but i still resent them,
everyday i deal with my resentment;
i'm not one to complain.
We've all had held or hold resentment,
and it gets hard but I won't give up.
Anyways,I love this person.
I dont hate him,I just hate what he did to me.
When we were a match a couple of years ago,
I've caught him cheating and fliriting so many times before.
But I have secong thoughts of not marrying him.
He is locked up,but we had something before that,so please dont judge me for that.
So is it unhealthy to marry him,we really do want to get married,but I still hold alot of resentment towards him.

just a p.s.
I respect myself,and he respects me,
he has shown throuhg his actions and behavioral,sometimes I feel like IT"S ME,that I need to start to forgive him,but sometimes I think my destiny is to just to forgive and forget completely,the resentment and him.
i sound disoriented right noe,
trust me,pain is like shot in the heart,

his false actions were commited over two years ago,but i still hold a grudge and resentment towards him for that,over two years ago,he doesnt flirt or cheat with other women anymore,
cause we werent even close then,
but I for some reason still am dealing
with resentment towards him

Answer 1

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

If you truly love him, you will forgive him for his wrongdoings and let it go. If he's cheating and flirting with other women, then he obviously does not love you, despite what he says. Think about it. Would a man who's truly in love with you want anything to do with another woman? No! He would only want to be with you. My boyfriend and I have had long talks about this. When you love someone, as we love each other, you don't want to be without them. You don't want to imagine life with anyone but them. That's love. Don't marry this man if you're unable to forgive him for his past mistakes. If he's still cheating and flirting with other women, then he's not truly in love with you and he's not worth your time. You need to respect yourself. You deserve to be loved completely and utterly, to be respected for the woman that you are. You deserve better than the way he's treating you.

Answer 2

I believe it would totally unfair to BOTH of you for you to marry someone you still have bad feelings about.

If you get married feeling the way you do, your resentment will show up in ways that will damage any chance you have of having a happy relationship.

I hope that you will give yourself more time. While he is still in jail, perhaps you could talk with a mental health care professional -- not because you are crazy (you AREN'T), but so that you will have someone who is objective who can listen to your feelings about things that have happened in the past.

Then when he gets out of jail, you could date for a while and see if those old things happen again or not.

I am only saying this because I don't want you to get married and then have to write later about how to get a divorce. I want you to be happy after you get married, and right now I don't think that would happen.

Answer 3

You are walking into a minefield. The fact you even posted such a question reflects serious reservations. And once a cheat always a cheat. Leopards do not change their spots. Your resentment will grow like a cancer. Is he locked up as in prison or emotionally or both? The emotionally locked up is worse than the prison for your relationship. So as hard as this may be, I think you should walk away from it. It has tragedy written all over it.

Answer 4

Forgiveness is the only answer for resentment. First you decide to forgive mentally and then it takes a while to get down to your heart. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to lay down and let them do it to you again. Do you really believe that marrying him will stop him from flirting and cheating? I think probably not. You will always be wondering and that is no fun. Marriage is best when it is based on trust. Myself, I would look for someone else. He has already broken your trust several times.

Answer 5

Do not go through with the wedding with any type of regrets you'll have after the fact. Having resentment towards your fiance has to be cleared up and solved before commiting yourself with him. And if your having second thoughts about marraige then theres your answer. You and your boyfriend need to be on the same level, no secrets, and no resentments, before you guys get married.

Answer 6

Sweetie that resentment might evently turn to hate,i am curently going through the same thing and am not going to get married,as a matter of fact i plan on moving out and on because i know he hasnt got it in him to have a heathy relationship, and for his sake i hope he learns from his mistakes,girl you deserve better and can have it, i grew up hearing ONCE A CHEETER ALWAYS A CHEETER!and its true so why put your self in a even more unhealthy situation?I hope you make the best decision for you and girl i dont judge you for a thing, who would i to be!or anyone else for that matter.

Answer 7

Yes,
It's unhealthy.
You think it's okay because you can supress that resentment daily. But supressing it every day for the rest of your life? You can't do it.
Obviously you haven't forgiven him about his cheating on you.
If you love him THAT much, talk to him about your feelings and hope that you two can work it out.
If you two can't work this out before you get married, you have no chance.
And the fact that you HAD something really special but not anymore is not a reason to marry him.
You have to live in the present.
Good luck.

Answer 8

Things get harder, not easier, after marriage. So if you are still dealing with resentments toward this person, they are not going to just go away after you are married. He is going to be the same person he is now, and so are you. So if you are not happy with him or with your feelings about him now, don't think things will suddenly change after marriage, because they won't. I would advise at the very least waiting until you are sure of your feelings, and possibly choosing to not marry this person if you can't resolve them.

Answer 9

Why sign up to resent someone in your house for years to come? If he's a flirt and a cheat, why walk down the aisle. Knowing you KNOW he's a cheat and are still ready to say "I do" only validates the fact that he's running the streets on you and that "IT'S OK WITH YOU"

Answer 10

You are absolutely out of your mind to be thinking of marriage here. Not only is this guy a loser jail bird, but you have a deep seated resentment towards him. (Likely justified.) You need to talk to a counselor about why you have this need to inflict pain on yourself. That's exactly what marrying this guy will be , and you seem to realize that. So, why do you want to hurt yourself? You need to find out.

Kent in SD