I prefer answers from married people only... thank you.?

Question

It's late and I would just like a few opinions. What would you do in this situation...

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. He is in the military and we live on base right now but when we get out he wants to move back to our hometown, wich I HATE! I have horrible ex's there and it's just the kind of small town that you just get stuck in. I really really really hate it there. I've expained to him that I would be miserable there and he doesn't care. He absolutely will not budge on the issue... I just, I know that I am going to be miserable living there. On the one hand, I love him and need to just suck it up and hopefully everything will end up ok. On the other hand... Why am I the one who has to sacrifice my happiness?... I just don't know.

::Brittany::

I'm so happy to hear I'm not the only one going through this crap. It is harder than people think. It isn't just the ex's either it's just all the mentalities of a small town... Rumors, everyone always in your business... and I just hate the fact that everything you did in highschool stick to you for life there! I just want to move on.

We visit about every three months... and we end up in a HUGE fight EVERY TIME!... ugh.

Not to mention, his family does live there. And it consists of crackheads, drunks, highschool drop outs... and everything in between...I don't want my kids to end up that way.

Sorry I keep adding but I guess this is important too... His family doesn't like me because I wasn't born and raised there and because my family "is snobby"(has more money than them). They haven't ever given me or my family a chance. Needless to say.. I am very uncomfortable around them.

Answer 1

What exactly does he love so much about this town that he's willing to make you miserable for it? He needs to help you understand. Maybe after military service he just needs to feel "grounded" again, and close to family? Maybe he wants to see if you're willing to do this for him? Whatever the reasons, BOTH of you need to be happy. Is there a larger town nearby that you could settle in? You could you rent a place for one year in your hometown, with the agreement that at the end of the lease you'll move to a city you both agree on. I advise you to give it a short-term try back home. The first few years of marriage are the "investment years" - if your marriage is mostly good, he will see your unhappiness and eventually try to find a place where you'll be happy. If he's an inconsiderate, selfish man by nature, good luck - try, but don't waste too many years.

Answer 2

Me and my husband have been married for a year and a half, he is also in the military and when we found out that we might have to go back to our hometown, I got really upset for the same reason. I sat him down and talked to him about trying to get another duty station. He didn't uderstand why it bothered me so much. We are having problems in the relationship already and I basically told him that my exes would make our lives hell because one of them wants me back. I told him that our relationship would be totally over if we went back because people talk and I didn't want anyone getting in the middle of our marriage. Maybe you should ask your man to compromise and move close to home but not in it. See if he is willing to move about 1-2 hours away that way, you can go there to visit family then get the hell out and not have to deal with anyone from the past. You should not have to sacrifice your happiness but you should follow your hubby since you love him. Just see if he will do what I said. If not, then we can come up with something else. I know how you are feeling in this situation. And my hubby agreed that going back to home would not be a good idea too. Good luck!!!!

Answer 3

OK, let me see if I got this right: you really HATE your small, home town, right? I mean, you REALLY hate it?

I can understand that. You seem to have a lot of old baggage back there that you just don't want to deal with. But, you know what? We can't always run away from our past. Often, facing it, dealing with it, and moving on can actually be a very strengthening experience.

You're thinking that your home town is exactly the way that you left it. It's not. As pokey as you may remember it, it has changed and it's people have changed, too. Maybe not very much. But, I seriously doubt that everyone there is just waiting for you to come back so that they can make you miserable.

While I would hope that your husband would be understanding and kind about your feelings, I also hope that you would be considerate of his and not dig your heels into the dirt on this one. Something may happen between now and the time that you need to make a decision about where next to live. Don't make this an overriding issue. Chill...at least for the time being.

By the way, what did you do in that small town that makes it so difficult to go back? I think you may have some things to work out between you and yourself, if you know what I mean. If you can't repair the past, at least make peace with it. Life is too short.

Answer 4

I moved to the town my husband was born and raised in. At times I hate it too. It's a small town and he grew up with these people and sometimes I feel like an outsider. I agree with everyone else, a compromise is in order. That is what love and marriage is supposed to be about. I would just tell him that you can be flexible so he should be too. He feels very strongly about going back home just as strongly as you do about NOT wanting to. Maybe a town or two away would be the best solution, maybe even the next county over. Good luck.

Answer 5

The best thing for both of you is to move to a new town and make a fresh start. Have you found an alternative town to live in? Why not investigate all the options and sit down with him and explain why these other towns would be better for both of you - maybe they offer more chance of promotion for him, more choice in work for you, more happiness for a young family (if you decide to have kids) - there must be a way to make him see there are other alternatives. You haven't said whether your families still live in this small town, but I assume they do. To be more independent in your lives together you may need to live somewhere other than your hometown. You're both adults now. Make decisions together, not just what he wants. good luck.

Answer 6

Since he is in the Military part of the 'ritual expectation' is to 'go home' and be the town hero when he is discharged. Okay you have experienced the 'out of small town' existence and don't want to go back there to live.
What was the agreement before you moved out and went to live on base? Men such as your husband will view the original 'deal' as the one that has to be stayed with. He may feel that he may not have the opportunities 'out there' as he has at 'home'. Communication is the key, not arguing or putting up 'small town' arguments. It has to make sense to him to change his plans.
If you believe you are going to 'sacrifice your happiness' then resentment is around the corner waiting to come in the front door whilst love flies out the window.
You have to talk with him about alternatives for both of you. Perhaps the Base Psychologist could help you both out and help you to listen to each other. Military men are used to two things, taking orders and taking charge. It is the rank that makes the difference. In marriage decisions effecting both can not be this black and white they have to be agreed on together. This is a whole different world and concept for him, help him through it as you have no chance of 'pushing' him through it.
Good luck
How long have you been away from your Hometown?

Answer 7

Marriage is a two way street. He should at least be willing to compromise. Perhaps try talking him into moving to a larger town close to your hometown? I grew up in a small town as well and would hate to have to move back there. You should not have to sacrifice your happiness for your husband's happiness. You should both come to a conclusion together. I wish you luck.

Answer 8

I am married and we tend to make important decisions like where to live together...does your husband have family that still live there or a job opportunity? If not he should really take your feelings into consideration as you are married and where you two live should be where you both will be happy. If you move there and there are people there that make you uncomfortable then you are not going to be happy and in turn it will probley end up making unhappiness in your marriage...try talking to him again laying it all out, tell him you want the both of you to start a fresh start together somewhere new, where it is just you two and you can make new memories. Good luck.

Answer 9

I hope ...in a way .. he's not do to rotate out yet ... perhaps you'll get a new duty station in a different area that may appeal to both of you .....

Try networking with the other wives ... spouces talk ... perhaps if you can find out what it is about where you were that draws him ... you can compete or best it.

There are lots of places that are very nice ..... perhaps he's sticking so hard because he's worried about providing for you and he feel most comfortible in the 'ol home town .....
Either way you gott talk it out, and work it out.

Married a year and a half ...... I was there and as I recall my marital comunication skills sucked back then ..... try another channel on his reciever ..... you'll get through!

Best of Luck.

Answer 10

If you have a great husband, there are things he is going to sacrifice for you in the future. Don't be focused on the horrible ex's and small town, focus on the important thing- your husband. He may have special plans for the both of you. Ask him. He may have wonderful memories of his childhood there and would like to have the same for your children or future children. And if it dosen't work out, you live on a base so I'm sure you are used to moving- you can move again. There is no harm in that, and a small price for a happy husband!