Marriage problems...should we separate?

Question

I never thought I'd be in this situation. My husband is a good guy, but he drinks alot and it's to the point that it is causing tension on our relationship. I'm not happy because of the alcohol (I was subjected to alot of pretty bad things as a child due to drinking) and he's not happy because we've grown upart emotionally and physically...he thinks that I'm not interested in him anymore...that I'm not attracted to him and he doesn't feel wanted. I can't get him to understand that I cannot be with an alcoholic, I am interested and attracted to him when he's sober, but the first thing he does when he gets home is crack open a beer. Also, as far as the intimacy problem goes I have always had some issues because I was molested when younger (he knows about it.) I really don't know what to do next. He doesn't want to try counselling or even church. We're talking about spending some time upart, but what if we never get back together? I don't want to throw almost 13 years away. Any advice?

Answer 1

This is very difficult and my heart goes out to you. How do you reconcile your marriage when the guy is unwilling to seek any kind of help? I believe a trial separation period would be a good idea. Maybe it would wake him up to the fact of what he is about to lose, just to keep the bottle. Even if he does not go, I would recommend that you seek it out for yourself. Sounds you have some unresolved issues in your own heart, that need to be dealt with so that you can look at your husband in a clear way without the pain of your past standing in the way. This might be enough to get your husband to go as well if he sees what’s taking place in your life. Maybe the marriage will not survive, but at least you’ll know that you did everything possible for it to survive. But in the end, it takes two.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Mindy, if this is your morals and beliefs ( not to live with an alcoholic ) then you don't break it for no one. You will only be enabling him if you continue to look the other way. I too have strong moral against excessive drinking and yes, it is unattractive. I just walked away from a 15 year relationship( with a child ) because he refuse to stop drinking. While I looked the other way, hopeing that he would stop or just slow down, the drinking turned into drugs. He made super money and I make allot less. It was a scary situation, but I had to do what I know is right for me and my kid. When you have an alcoholic that want to stop, they will do whatever it take to stop. When they tell you they don't want help from anywhere, then they are not gonna stop. It's sad when the person you love have habits that is taking over everyone lives and they much rather have the beer,drugs or women than the marriage. you haven't given up, he has. Your leaving might wake him up. Maybe not right away, but at some point it will. I just pray that by that time, you will be so emotionally stable that the sound of his voice won't make you anger. Walk away now, before the next level of his addiction hit and take more than your emotions. I use to remember how he made me feel at the touch of my lower back, how he would look at me and smile with approval. Now all I can think about is... the trash is not filled with beer cans and the shame I felt for the nieghbors seeing the cans spilling out of the trash bin, the recycle bin. No beer cans in the bathroom, in the bedroom, on the night stands. I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night to smell stale beer and hear him snore so loudly, because he's drunk. I don't have to hear the lies he's telling, because he didn't make it home, the lies he told about the bill money. I don't have to long for the love and attention in the bedroom that he would give me once a week, because the rest of the week he was so drink and high that he couldn't get an errection. He would have to not drink anything for 3 days before he would be able to be intimate. So after looking at him in his stupors and hearing the beer tops pop. I was so emotionally drained. Don't even mention, that now when I go out in the public, that I don't have to be shamed because he has been drinking and want to talk to every person insight and he didn't believe the public could smell him, but if I could smell him, you know they could also. Mindy I bet when he's sobor, he;s so quiet and sweet to be around. Save yourself. I am so glad that i no longer get calls 4:00 am asking me to come to some seedy liquor house to pick him up. It will be hard, but the peace that you get from it is better than battling with the molestation and his drinking too. Now you have to get help for yourself and move past the hurt that life brought to you. Do you know that your molestation had nothing to do with you? You will have to help someone else through the same thing. God does not put more on us than we can bare. You have carried this, without killing yourself and now you can be strong for someone else that can't or thought they couldn't get pass this problem. God bless and sorry it was such a long answer.

Answer 4

I think it's more common but I am on the fence. In a way it almost makes the couple seem like glorified room mates, splitting the tab and being as independent as possible, rather than a family where everything is shared. I think people can be too hung up on their independence. There isn't much room for independence in a family if you want that family to be close. That said, I can see why they do it. I have my own chequing account. The only reason I have it is because it was the only way I could cash in my savings bonds when they matured. That was a few years ago; but now I use it for my Avon business because it's easier to keep track of my payments this way. I don't have to worry about my money going to pay down the credit card when it must go someplace else. That's definitely convenient. I guess for me it would come down to motive - why they have their own accounts. Jayne said it best - that's exactly what I think but wasn't able to say properly. : )

Answer 5

I have always been told that outside of your higher spiritual being, it takes a husband and wife to make a marriage work. He could be drinking because he feels you are not attracted to him and he may eventually lose you. You are having issues with your past of being molested. Have you ever sought counseling for your past? If not, I think it is a good idea to do so. As for your husband, I think you should tell him how much your marriage means to you and how his drinking makes you feel. Let him know you want this to work and it takes the both of you towards making the marriage work. If he doesn't listen, and does not improve his behavior, then I am afraid that you must move on. Again as I stated earlier ,you are not in a marriage alone, it takes 2 (husband and wife). So he has to work just as hard as you do at this. I wish you well.

Answer 6

It is difficult to try to fix a marriage when only one person is capable of making changes. Until your husband becomes sober he will be unable to make true progress.

You are not sure that you want a divorce right now, which most likely means there is hope. When you want out (if the time comes) you will know it.

I was in the same position once and I ultimately got counseling for myself. You can only control your feelings and actions, not his. It is best to get your head on straight and handle the damage from your childhood. Once you are able to do this you will be able to make decisions that are best for you. You wil be thinking clearly and will be comfortable making choices for you.

Good luck

Answer 7

If you don't leave now, you'll be "throwing away" even MORE than 13 years!
Get out now and get YOUR act together by engaging in some serious therapy. Your issues are really affecting your life; I think you stay because your self-esteem is poor. No one who loves him/herself would put up with this guy for a New York second.

Answer 8

The fact is that until he admits he has a problem and get help, nothing you can say or do will change the situation.
You indicate you do not want to give-up on the marriage.
You need to be honest with yourself and determine if you can continue in the marriage knowing that he will not change until he seeks help on his own.

Answer 9

I think you you should talk to him in a quiet but serious voice, (to make a point) let him know what your problem is and how it affects you. If that don't help, I would talk him into going to church

Answer 10

I can totally relate to your story.. I am in the EXACT same situation... but I have only been with my boyfriend for five years. The only thing I can tell you is good luck. If you figure out what is best for your let me know.. i need help too.