I am 19 pregnant and scared to death. The father wants nothing to do with this situation. What do I do?

Question

I lost my virginity to him while we were dating, but after we broke up we continued to see each other. This took place even after he started dating a new girl. Well actually it was the girl he was dating before me. Anyway I knew it was wrong but I loved him and I thought he loved me. Soon after I told him I was pregnant we had a fight over what I consider a misunderstanding, he then told me that he never wanted to speak to me again. I have decided to have this child and I understand that I will be on my own. But I'm afraid that sometime in the future he or his family will want a part of the child's life this means custody hearings etc. I just don't want to ruin my life and my dreams now if someone is going to mess with me and my child in the future. Is there anything I can do to make sure he can't get to my baby?
Additional Details

17 minutes ago
It should also be known that yes my mother does know about the pregnancy. The father is also 19. And we are both in an amazing university that does not allow unwed mothers, and I am the first in my family to go straight to a university. So yes I know what I am sacrificing.

Answer 1

Give the child for adoption and sleep well.
Think about this situation when you are older say 28 or 30.

Answer 2

Honey I wish I had the answers for you. Only thing is in life there are no sure answers. You have to go with your heart, and I know you love your baby already. Just focus on being the best mother you can be. Focus on your dreams as well..the baby should motivate you, not slow you down. I'm sure that you can find another Amazing University where you can still study your major. It's not about the school you attend, but about what you are made of able to endure in life. There's so many people that go to the "it' school, have everything in life, and fold because they can't handle any type of pressure when a trial comes. Just "Be in courage', pray to God to work it out for you. Right now you may think you don't want the father involved, but as you grow and continue to mature you may change your mind. Children need and deserve their fathers. It's not right for the mother to carry all the load and responsibility. But I can tell you if he doesn't step up soon, just document everything, and it will look as though he was not concerned about the baby. The courts will favor a mother that is there over a man who makes no efforts. But trying to keep the baby away from him could look bad on your part. God will work it out for you.

Answer 3

If you live in the U.S….

Basically, there’s nothing you can do to make sure he can’t get your baby, other than proving him unfit and it takes A LOT to do that, and even then he might still get supervised visitation. As the father he has rights (as he should), which includes the right to petition for custody/visitation. Of course, paternity would have to be established first, but that's a pretty easy process, and he can petition the court to do it at any time (even years down the road).

Since others have mentioned adoption…you cannot give the child up for adoption without Dad’s consent. If he refuses to give consent and wants custody of the child instead, then he’ll get it (again, unless he’s proven to be unfit).

And regarding him giving up his parental rights (which is a totally different thing than custodial rights)…termination of parental rights has to be approved by a judge and generally speaking they are VERY RELUCTANT to approve it, even if the other parent agrees to it. For one reason, they don’t like to leave a child fatherless. For another reason, a voluntary termination of parental rights agreed to both parents generally relives Dad from the obligation of paying child support. While you may not need Dad’s held now supporting the child, ten years down the road your situation might change, and then who will have to help support the child--the taxpayers. Basically, judges generally do not believe it is a *child’s* best interest to terminate parental rights unless it’s for the purpose of adoption (ie a step-parent adoption) or the parent is a danger/harm to the child.

Get prepared to deal with this guy for the next 18 years at least.

Answer 4

You don't have to put him on the birth certificate but you should if you think you might want child support in the future.
The best way to avoid losing custody is to be a good mother. No judge would just take a child from his mother for no reason.
It will be hard to be strong in such a situation but as the baby grows within you, you will be stronger knowing that you are taking care of someone else.

Don't worry about the University. Finish your current classes and change schools after your child is born. Most Universities encourage single parents to attend and you will feel better in such an environment instead of having to deal with judgemental people at your current school.

I applaud your convictions and it may help you to know that many young girls at these schools have abortions rather than deal with the social situation. Good for you that you have chosen a better path

Answer 5

At 19, it can be difficult to understand what you are planning on doing, our plans change and morph with age. I have a 16 year old son, who has had no real contact with his father, we agreed in a custody agreement that I would have sole legal and physical custody and he would have vistation, 4 years later he still has not requested visitation. He has never been ready to be a father and thats okay, he has the choice. However, as a responsible parent who wants the best for my child, I have always kept the door open for possible communication, the father has chosen not to take it. This does affect my son, him not having his father in his life is very difficult for him as it is with any fatherless child. Think about what is in the best interest of the child. See if he will sign a custody agreement giving you sole physical and legal custody and give him the option of visitation, if he signs, file it with the court. But for the sake of the child, when he grows up and makes the decision to have contact with his child, do not block that contact. Many times women block contact because they feel slighted, hurt and betrayed, this isnt fair to the child nor is it in the child's best interests.

Answer 6

Unfortunitly there is nothing that you can do about this. He has just as many rights as you do but as soon as the baby is born you need to file for custody due to the fact that neither one of you have custody of the said child. If you put your child in day care or leave him/her in the hands of a baby sitter he can go and get that child and there is nothing that you can do about it unless you have custody.

The only way that you can get him to sign off of the child is if you get married and that guy wants to adopt your child...at least in pennsylvania that is how it is.

Also, after the baby is born he can filed with the courts that he is the father and wants to take responsability of him/her and then you will have to go for a DNA test and prove that he is or he isnt the father. After that you can then file for child support and then he has a right as the father to get visitation of the child.

Sorry but that is the laws and I hope this helped you.

Answer 7

First of all, to make the decisions you're making of having this baby, knowing all the sacrifices you will have to also make, says volumes for you as a mature young woman. So, start with that and know that you have the strength to do this and let time begin to heal the hurt and disappointment. To know that a person your age is willing to make the sacrifice of giving up what you have worked so hard for to be in the university, is very impressionable on others and tells a lot about you as a true person.
As for insuring you and your childs protection from he or his family in the future, I would suggest breaking all contact with them and hope that they do the same until the baby is born. If this happens and your last name is on the birth certificate then their only recourse at that point would be to prove paternity and with that comes the price of child support and possibly even back child support from the time of conception.

Answer 8

As long as he does not establish paternity, he has no rights to see the baby (or child, later on) nor to seek custody. And the longer he goes without seeing the baby, the less his chances become of being in the child's life.

You, on the other hand, won't get child support until you establish him as the father, through court. Generally, courts will start child from when you file the Petition, so if you wait until the child is 2 or 3, you'll miss out on that much child support- BUT you have great argument as to why he should get little to no visitation (if he hasn't been interested in the child that long, the court won't be jumping through hoops to give him visitation).

If he isn't involved with the child, he won't get custody.

Answer 9

If you told him that you were pregnant and he said he wanted nothing to do with you, then yea..it would probably be a good idea to get custody papers drawn up and signed now. And while you're with him so he can sign, you might try just talking to him (not that you haven't already i'm sure). It sounds old fashioned, but just explain to him that you have made the desicion to keep this baby and if he wants nothing to do with it, you want to ensure your rights as of now. Tell him he and his family are welcome to see the baby, but to understand that you have full custody . And technically, since the two of you are not married etc, you automatically have full custody of the baby and no, he cannot take him away unless he can prove you are unfit. So just keep your head up and raise your baby the best you can and you'll be fine! I know its easier said than done, but I was in just about your exact position when I was 17, and trust me, you'll be perfect. Well, congratulations on the baby, and just remember that all babies are blessings and God doesn't make mistakes!!

Answer 10

You shouldn't be worrying about things that are not happening yet.

My question is, is he "not" considering in giving his child his last name? If he isn't, then he decides that he wants to be in his child's life then he would have to go to court in the future and do a paternity test and seek for visitation as well as pay child support.

If he "is" planning to recognize the child as his, than he "is" entitled to get visitation. It's his legal "right" as a father.

I understand your situation, but what you should be thinking of is the "best interest of your child". You wouldn't want to keep the child away from his father unless you can prove that he is "detrimental" to the child. And of course for what you had said, he is just not "ready" for this responsibility or he is in denial.

Unplanned pregnancies, are always difficult to deal with. You obviously have your family's support, so you and your baby should be ok.

Good Luck.

Answer 11

You might be able to switch to a school that has more common sense about adults and adult relationships.
Women get pregnant, this is a fact of life....why should the school make it harder ?
You can do it, and you can be a good mother..I won't tell you it will be easy. If your parents will help you it will make a huge difference in your life and your childs life.
You must...MUST...study for a career that will support you and your child. Forget about goofy classes..and go for Law,medicine or a solid trade.
There are many, very good child care centers you will find a good one for the baby.
If the father is not interested in the baby, it is unlikely he will suddenly get involved. Go to legal aid to get advice about your rights here.