Here is another....?

Question

I know it seems a little soon to be posting again and at this point I probably seem like I have no life but I thought I would just throw this out there

Many clouds I have seen, whisper softly like dream. Clouds go foreword, never back. Clouds turn grey, clouds turn black. Clouds pour rain, all they hold; tearing through my very soul. Clouds change back, clouds can mend. Clouds will always return again

again (if not kind at least constructive)

Answer 1

whats the question?

Answer 2

I like your imagery. Nice twists and turns. The rhythm of your language fits well - a primitive rhythm, like a drumbeat.

Some people don't like my type of commentary, and I understand that. I'm going to talk about your poem, which is a personal expression, in terms of how it works mechanically when read by others. I'm just a guy giving an opinion, feel free to ignore some or all of what follows - my lines aren't better, they are illustrations of the points I'm trying to make.

The meter is trochaic and almost consistent. It fits the mood of the poem. It would be more effective if the rhythm were more consistent, or broken intentionally, for effect, by spondees (like lightning flashing through the clouds). "Clouds will always return again" is the line that most fractures your meter, which is a rough way to end the poem.

You're using a great deal of slant rhyme (seen/dream, hold/soul, mend/again are not rhymes, but slant rhymes). I'm not sure your poems need to rhyme at all. Your imagery would be even more free and fresh if you weren't trying to rhyme. If you do want to rhyme, work toward finding words that are real rhymes (back/black), but still convey your true feelings (not easy, but it's not supposed to be ;-).

"Tearing through my very soul" is trite, and unnecessary. There's no reason for you to insert yourself into the poem at that point. If you feel you should, then you should wrap back to it, and contrast the fact that while clouds mend, your soul will not.

I would rather see the clouds as metaphor for your soul. Insert yourself at the end of the poem (as you did at the start), so that it cycles back around to you as the observer at the end.

Clouds pour rain, all they hold, shredding, emptying their souls, Clouds change back, clouds can mend, Clouds will visit me again.

Thank you for sharing your poem. I look forward to seeing more.

Answer 3

My friend - I took the liberty to change a few things.... trying to stay within your general idea... as I felt it..... to make the flow a bit more elegant. I hope you don't mind. You are on your way - stay with it :)


Many clouds that I have seen
They whisper softly like a dream
Clouds drift forward - never back
Clouds turn gray or they turn black
The sky pours rain all what it holds
My starved soul like a flower unfolds
Clouds do nourish with their essence
Return - providing needed rejuvenescence

Answer 4

i cant say its stupid because its someones idea and no ones ideas are stupid. its a good poem. i wouldn't have thought to write a poem about clouds. good job on the creativity. i do like it.

Answer 5

S'beutiful, I love it, you have very good imagery.
:)