Should I divorce him?

Question

My husband and I met in '98, got married in '01, we were both 23. His first job out of college, he was fired 1 month into it for really stupid reasons (they didn't communicate his job expectations, etc.). I tried to encourage him the best I knew how, but it wasn't enough. He turned to pot. On the same day I discovered the drug use, I came home to find him talking about killing himself. He had the gun on the table and it was loaded. This was 2003. I called my mom the next morning to tell her what had happened. He has never forgiven me for telling her.

I've never used drugs in my life and when we got married, he told me it was something he wouldn't ever do again. I developed an emotional relationship with a male co-worker. We didn't have sex but kissed. Meanwhile my husband and I were more like roommates and barely talked. Then, this January, I found out he was having an affair which he claims was just emotional (but a hotel charge on his acct?). Still love him but can this be saved?

No children between us. Also refuses to do a 12-step program b/c he thinks I'm trying to control him by asking him to do that. WTF? We've been separated since January - I kicked him out of the house when I found out about his affair. We're in counseling, counselor says I need to let him move back in if we're going to work on the relationship. I feel like I should give it one last chance, but there is something stopping me. We have great memories together but I have even more memories of being ignored, criticized and unvalued.

...but I still love him deeply. He is the only man in the world who can make me laugh hysterically at any moment.

Answer 1

Marriage is not for the weak. Make a choice and stand by it. That is all anyone expects you to do.

Answer 2

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
You had an emotional kiss with a co worker, he had an emotional affair... you both cheated. Affairs tend to be emotional.. if it was only sexual, you might have had a chance to save this relationship. But emotional means there were feelings involved, security, love, a listening ear. His feelings for you have changed. You were partly to blame for this, according to your own admission, as you were more like roommates and non communicative. You found yourself emotional fulfillment with a co worker, so he was left in the cold. It was only a matter of time before someone was willing to offer him warmth.
The pot etc could all be forgiven and put down to stupid mistakes young people make.. but affairs 9 yrs later are based on choice. You may love him.. but you are not in love with him, and neither is he with you. Learn from your mistakes, set each other free to find true love and let go.

Answer 3

I am going through this same thing, My husband started smoking pot and drinking everyday, It only started getting worse. He wanted to kill himself. He had a pistol lying beside him. His drug use got worse he started to smoke crack and became a alcoholic. He was also always talking on the phone to a women. When I asked him he always told me that it was hes cousin. Well to find out he was having a affair. He would never hold down a job. My marriage to him is not working. We both still talk on a friendly status but I do not see him. We both agree on getting a divorce. I personally can not say if you should divorce him because I stood beside my husband for a long time while he was going in and out of treatment for his drug abuse and alcoholism. You may still love him cause I still love my husband but if he cheated on you once what make you think that he will be faithful through all of eternity or as long as you two are still married. Good Luck

Answer 4

This isn't a question that can be answered by any of us. You're the one who decides if getting a divorce is the right thing, but that's a big step in ANY relationship. If you see that things aren't getting any better and that you're miserable, think of yourself first. What would you rather do? Leave him and get on with your life, or stay with him and be miserable? You both have cheated, but I'm guessing that you cheated out of not being given enough attention to. When you're in a serious relationship and something drastic changes the way the person acts around you, you might feel as if you're not loved by them anymore. It makes a lot of people turn to cheating, which is wrong, but I see exactly why you cheated. I think you're smart enough to see where this marriage is heading, so choose wisely. Good luck.

Answer 5

Let's see, he won't do a 12 step/rehab program? That should pop up red flags ALL over the place!!!
That means he is NOT ready to give up the drugs!
"Can this be saved?" All depends on what you mean saved. Would you be "happy" married to a pot-head? Coming home from work, not knowing if he decided to play with guns again?
Or do you mean where HE has to make a decision? Give up drugs to be with you?
Sounds to me that you are trying, but, Honey, it takes 2 to make a marriage work and I don't see that happening.
You might want to start thinking about YOU for a change
Good Luck

Answer 6

Calling It QuitsDr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until 1) you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, and 2) you have no unfinished emotional business.


Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.

You need to ask yourself:


What was your marriage like when it worked?

When did it go wrong? Why?

Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage over?

What do you want?

What is it costing you to be in your relationship?

Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?

What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

Divorce Readiness Test:



"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."



Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.



Ask yourself:

Are you still in love with your spouse?
Are you hurt?
Are you scared?
Are you angry?
Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.

Answer 7

If you need time to clear your head, take some time. If he continues his drug use, I wouldn't have him back in the house until he agrees to seek treatment. If he doesn't, then he's not willing to deal with the issue. If you let him back in with no changes from him, then expect things to stay the same. You're BOTH going to have to fight hard to keep this marriage together. There's a lot of trust broken. Don't stay with him based on anything like memories or not wanting to let him go. Stay with him if YOU want to. Meet him outside the house to talk. You guys need a diff environment and meeting each other means both made the effort to come and talk. If you're unsure, I would take some more time. Honestly, if this was my marriage, with all the things that's happened, I don't think I would be able to continue unless he seeks treatment. And even then, it'll take a long time for both of us to trust each other again. I do not think I would be able to stay in this marriage. After all the lies and drugs, I would end it before anymore years go by. I wish you the best.

Answer 8

Your only hope is that the both of you emotionally agree to seek marriage counselling. There are so many ingredients in this relationship that are playing against your success, that without total commitment to the process of fixing things, you have no hope of success. Talk with him about what you both want, really want. Since there are no children involved, a divorce would not be the end of the world for you two. Last but not least, both of you should begin going to church. God can have a dramatic impact when coupled with prayer. I've seen it!

Answer 9

you both did wrong in your relationship he cheated you kissed someone and you dont like the drug use and he sounds unstable so do whats good for you and hopefully there is no children involved that would be a big plus for the both of you so move on and be with the man that you like when your husband cheated im sure you felt really bad women never forget those things and it brings ya down so gl you only have one time around in the world so u made a mistake just like me and i learned from it and will not do it again so tc and you better then that jewels

Answer 10

If you both still love each other and are willing to work hard, then the marriage can be saved.

If the love and commitment aren't there, than I would suggest divorce.

Divorce is hard and painful, but a marriage that has no love, trust or commitment can be hard and painful, too. If there is nothing there between you or you are unable to be happy together with time and effort, than its better to get out now and try to rebuild and find happiness.

Answer 11

It depends on if you both want to save it. It seems as though you have been through alot and that things may never move past the problems you have had or trust that has been broken. I think you need to take a look deep inside yourself to see if you really want to save it or just feel like since you care about him that it is the right thing to do. Just from what I have read it appears that you will end up going your separate ways....