If your marriage SURVIVED AN AFFAIR, please answer?

Question

Especially if you were the "injured spouse". How did you 'just let it go" How did you stop from talking about it? I am the injured spouse and it has been 8 months, but I still find myself bringing it up or throwing some really nasty comments to my husband about it. And I know that talking about it isnt going to change it and will only delay the healing, but how do i get myself to stop. It is driving my husband insane and I honestly think I have made him pay enough for it so i need to stop the verbal abuse or its going to ruin my marriage. Any suggestions to help me with this would be appreciated. Thanks.

Answer 1

my wife had an affair a long time ago..during our second year of marriage.....we have now been married for 12 years...the pain never goes away i can tell you that much....the only way in making the marriage work is by putting it in the back of your head....your never going to forget about it....i know the pain your going through....i too would throw the hurtful remarks at her...trying to make her hurt as much as i did...i would even think about what i could do to bring upon the same pain she bestowed upon me...but in the end you have to be the better person.....if you love him that much then you will make it work...you will stop letting it get to you and you will forgive him...your marriage will not work if you dont forgive....you have to learn to have trust in him..again how can it work if you can't trust him..you can't live a life thinking what if all the time....its a hard process but its doable if your willing to work at it......i hope the best for you.....feel free to email me i know what your going through....its a tough road to recovery and thats just what it is recovery from a painful heart ache.....but you can get through it

Answer 2

Married 18 years and have never cheated on my wife. That said I often marvel at how people get upset with the other party. The reality is the other party owes you nothing. Your spouse does. Your spouse made the commitment to you. When they cheat (even if the other party initiated) the blame is on your partner. I've been approached by a few women during my 18 year marriage and I shut it down quick. I don't even flirt back. I let them know I'm happily married. Why? Because of my commitment to my wife. Don't say anything to the other woman or other man. The issue is with your spouse. To cheat you have to be looking for it. And if you can turn off that part of your conscious and do it then I wouldn't want you in my life. Cheating is one of the few things I consider a deal breaker. Put it in a different perspective could you imagine being a parent and one day deciding you want to spend time with another child and totally ignore your child. In fact you move into the other home and give that child all of your attention and let your child know you don't care for them anymore. That would be horrendous but when you cheat you are doing that to your spouse. I just read your response. Of course your husband is sorry. Sorry he got caught. And he wasn't just using her. He was using you as well. I hope for your sake you can salvage this but from what I've witnessed in the past once a cheater always a cheater.

Answer 3

in 2002-2005 my wife had a on-line affair that almost rune are marriage when i found out that my wife was emotional attached to this person i was sadden and upset . it took us about 6 months to get back in shape and there are time that i dose come up but i have learn to just stop talking about it and move on if i do bring it up all the pain come rushing back. it now been almost 2 year and time is doing a good job and she and i have made some changes and move even closer together. so in the long run i glad she had the affair now i have a more loving and understating wife then i ever had. hope this help.

Answer 4

Don't bring it up, even if it kills you. Not everyone can talk about such things and not make things worse.
You both are driving each other crazy, you're making him pay for 'injuring' you, while he is going nuts trying to make up for his mistake. What if you were the cheating party? You are still angry at him but as you stated....your marriage SURVIVED an affair. Congratulations. Stop and think before you start the verbal abuse. Do you both love each other enough to make the marriage work or do you think you're better off without each other?

Answer 5

Personally I believe that it takes a person with an orientation of "I can see myself doing that under the right circumstances" to forgive. If no such belief exists then I do not think there will ever be peace or a return to normality. My experience is that just having a close relationship with another woman is enough to enrage a partner forever.

Answer 6

The pain will never go away.... and you will never forget but look at it like this... if there was a book on a top of an high shelf that scared you, would you make it your business to climb up and read it everyday? No you would not. You will know it's there but you will take a deep breath and walk pass it.. I'm not sayingg forget it, but I'm sayin forgive your husband. This will make you a stronger person. Now if you cannot forgive him then you need to walk away for good. But only YOU can make that choice.
Also what if you were drunk one night out with your friends, and you got drunk, and let some guy kiss you... You know you're wrong but you like it. The next day you tell your husband b/c you feel guilty, you would want him to forgive you, it was a lapse of judgment. He would be wrong to call you all types of Ho's and "b" every time you took you kids to daycare. Give yourself time to heal. forgive if you want to stay in your marriage. Good luck.

Answer 7

You also were unfaithful according to one of your answers. You two need COUNSELING!!! ASAP!!! This kind of pain can take years to subside. You both need to forgive and do your best to recreate the intimacy that has been lost.
I am sad for you both, but if you want your marriage to make it, both of you will have to work very hard. Trust God, He is the only one who can heal these types of hurts.

Answer 8

it normal to feel as you do, you feel betrayed but if you want
he marriage to work then you have to deal with it once and for
all maybe counseling is something that both of you can do.
because you wont heal until you deal with the reason that
it happen.

Answer 9

I went through the same thing with my wife. we split for like 5 months then got back together. I was caught cheating and i felt terrible the whole time when she left with our two kids. we got back together and she then aske me about me cheating when i worked as a merchant marine overseas and i didnt want to lieto her anymore so I confessed but only to find out that she had cheated on me also and had sex while we were seperated. Now she wants to just try to get over it by nottalking about it because she doesnt want to re-live the past becauseitwas too much to bear. butthe sad thing is thati knowstuff like this will never be the same unfornunately. butibelieve she will never have that spark she had for me. As much as I wanted to work it out I had no idea the aftershocks and flash backs affect a person the way it does. Imsurprised that your husband stayed endured those harsh comments for 8 months....I dont think i could have done it. I hope everything works out

Answer 10

ADRIK.C. i have to agree with on this matter as well i found out my now . ex. was cheating in .20001 i found out in.2002. the same year i divorced her you never forget this i know for a fact. in my opion?