How can I stop the fighting over money?

Question

My husband and I are constantly fighting over money. He has the chance to go work tomorrow and make some good money, but doesn't want to. He makes almost as much as I do, but we are still broke. What do I do? I have been having some bad thoughts because of it. We have been married almost 6 years and keep fighting over the same thing for 5 of those 6 years. I love him with all my heart, but I can't take the fighting anymore. HELP please!

His excuse for not wanting to work tomorrow is that he is sick of working with this guy during the week. The biggest problem is that he has put us in this situation because he can't keep a job. He has had 3 jobs already this year. Any advice is more than welcome.

He can't keep money in his pocket. If he has a dime he spends a quarter. I can't trust him with money. We have been through bankruptcy once, and cannot go through it again. No matter how much I try, we cannot save money at all. Our tax return was gone in 3 weeks.

Answer 1

LM9130,
I have to agree with Hollynfaith (answer above) at least to a degree. Money is what people will fight over more than even the "other thing". There seems to be a disconnect between the household you are keeping together and the household that your husband is "spending". You seem like a strong person but everyone has their limits. I had to learn a lesson myself; however, not at the extent to which you are experiencing with your spouse. All I can say (and without passing any judgement) is that your husband should come to realize that spending a quarter when a dime is available only hurts his family (not him; he is being satisfied with the temporary fix of a quarter spend - you're intelligent and I know you get my point).

Comments of "richer or poorer" do you no good and serve no purpose other than to state the obvious - give me some particulars off line and I can expand upon more if you wish - your choice.

Best of luck!

Answer 2

Money is a problem when you don't see it the same way. Maybe he is a spender and you are a saver! If fighting over it for 5 years hasn't solved the problem try something else. Stop fighting, sit down with him and make a plan. Some people are more laid back about finances while others lose sleep over it. Do some research and try to see how you can fix this...automatic deposits, use cash not credit etc. change what isn't working. You have no control if he decides to go to work or not but you can control what you do and how you react!Good luck 2 u

Answer 3

First of all you should be scared , money fights are the #1 cause for divorce in north America. You both need to sit down and do a budget together maybe he is unaware of the real financial situation. Its been said that couples that do a budget together get along better because they are forced to communicate w/each other. If you are the one doing all the bills and he is just handing you the paycheck and expecting you to take care of things he may not even be aware of the real deal w/the bills. HE ALSO NEEDS TO STEP UP AND BE A MAN AND TAKE CARE OF HIS FAMILY even if he don't get along w/the guys at work. You probably should go to a good marriage counselor before it gets to far out of control. I recommend for the money part of your problems to log onto www.Dave Ramsey.com and listen to his radio show live from 2-5 and go get the book "The total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey and sit down w/him and read it together it will if nothing else give you some hope. You may want to read " the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura it may give you a few tips on how to get your husband to come around and listen to what you have to say ,and it may even help you recognize your own short comings. Good luck.

Answer 4

I have answered a similar question a few weeks ago and the lady gave me 10 points. So here it is again.

The root cause of your fight is you have no financial cushion. Meaning you are living from paycheck to paycheck or even beyond your means (in debt). If one of you lose the job, you marriage will implode. That's why you fight because both of you sense the danger but don't want to take charge of the situation. So you blame each other, which both of you know very well can't solve the problem, just adding fuel to the next fire.

Don't mention LOVE here because it has nothing to do with love. This is practical day to day living. Money isn't everything ,but lack of it is the fuel of problem for all marriages. Love doesn;t solve money problem, just delaying admitting it.

You need to address the fundamentals. Stop the downward spiral. Cut up or cut down on the credit cards, find a cheaper cell phone plan, cheaper apartment, etc., ie, TRIM DOWN THE EXPENSES and pay down on the debts. It is by no means easy and in fact stressful to keep it going as well as committment to a harder lifestyle to get out of the hole. The alternative is divorce and repeat the same pattern.

Answer 5

It sounds to me like the hubby has some growing up to do. I know that may be coming off as a little harsh, but he ought to be lucky to have a job....there are alot without. If he needs incentive, tell him to think of something he really wants....you do the same. Then keep track of every cent you spend for a week, find out where you can cut some corners to put money away for the goal you set for yourselves. Make it a race to get to your goal first. You'll find yourselves competing so much to win the prize that you'll forget about how much money you can really save when you try. Once you have your "goal", then just keep putting the money away out of habit. Before you know it, the arguing will be a thing of the past and he may have gotten use to the idea of work in the process.

Wish you luck honey!

Answer 6

It's a real tragedy, to sacrifice a marriage, for something as petty and meaningless as money. First off, it sounds like you are living at little bit beyond your means at this point. (Selling the house may be difficult in the current financial climate, but that is neither here nor there.) My first suggestion is try to make some significant changes in *your* spending habits; find some way to reduce your monthly "fixed expenses." You need to worry about yourself and your own obligations, first and foremost. This might mean some sacrifices on your part, but it's worth it if it means reducing conflict in your marriage. (Note that I am not addressing your husband's behavior here, I'm suggest things that YOU can do.) One step might be talking to your mortgage lender, and seeing if you can reduce your payments slightly, for example. Another suggestion is to go with your husband to the bank, and set up a monthly "automatic draft" from his account to yours. This way, you don't have to trust his word every month, it's done for him automatically. He may resist this idea, but again, it's worth being assertive and putting your foot down NOW, rather than having the issue come up again and again in the future. Thirdly, (and this is something that should merit very serious discussion with your husband,) ask if he'd be willing to *cut up* his credit card(s). Let me stress this point, credit card companies make *billions* each year, by taking advantage of impulsive and irresponsible spenders like your husband. If you bothered to total up the amount of money that is sucked out of his account through fees and interest in a single year, I'm sure both your collective jaws would drop. I would hope that if he knew, he'd be FURIOUS. I would view this as "damage control." In any case, however, he has every *right* to do how he chooses; in the end it's his money. Whether or not to keep his credit card is his decision. Finally, some general advice: remember that you can't change other people- especially not your spouse. You can only change yourself, and how you choose to *respond* to other people's behavior. Also, trust does not need to be given when it has not been earned. In other words, if when it comes to money your husband wants to behave like a teenager, then maybe you shouldn't expect otherwise. Maybe a lot of this you already know.

Answer 7

As a banker, I've seen more than my share of couples struggle over their finances. In many cases they've asked for my help. I always start with a budget. A budget is nothing more than a plan for how you are going to service your financial obligations while simultaneously working towards your goals. However, the best made plans are useless without implementation. Implementation requires discipline. Financial discipline is uncommon but necessary for success. Financial discipline requires communication. For a couple to be successful in a financial plan they must communicate and reach a consensus on their financial goals. Communication requires patience and reason. More mature people are patient and reasonable. Therefore, if one or either of the parties involved lacks maturity, then I suggest marital counseling.

Answer 8

Well, I'm sure when you got married you did say"for richer and for poorer", didn't you? The most important things in a relationship is friendship, trust, honesty, communication, compromises and such. That is where you'll find your happiness. Is ther eany way of cutting down on bills? I know in my view, I volunteer as much as possible, because I have kids, but if the place does a lot of mandatory overtime, I will never volunteer, it all depends on the circumstances. Is he blowing all his money or something? I'm not sure, I think I need more info

Answer 9

I've also had the same problem with my husband and on occasion still find myself going there with him...again. Anywho, sit down and crunch the numbers (debt, expenses to income) by yourself if you have too, draft a savings, budget plan and implement it, take control of your financial situation because it seems like he isn't. I told him this is what's going on this is what we need to do, I wasn't yelling or anything, but this is an important issue and some body's gotta take the reins.. Good Luck

Answer 10

Your husband should make the effort to make more money - especially if things are a little tight right now. The fact that he doesn't want to makes me wonder how important your relationship is to him. Regardless of why he doesn't want to work, you both should sit down and sort through your fiances -see if there are ways you can both save money, cut back on certain spendings and work things out. Best of luck!!