Need a little patience or should I leave?

Question

Hi, I'm in need of some partial advice!
I've been with my partner for nearly 5 years now.
We are both professionals owning houses very near each other (don't live together). My partner is 32 was married and has a daughter - from what he tells me the relationship was quite bad. We generally have quite a good relationship but communication has always been a problem because he does not like to talk about feelings. I'm 30 and feel my life is good and feel ready to really commit. Just over a year ago we had a termination, I feel this was more his decision than mine. Recently he ahs asked me to stop birth control as he feels ready to have a baby, but not to get married. I feel that marriage is no where near as huge commitment wise as having a baby so don't understand. I really really don't want to have child out of marriage so my dilemma is do I wait & pray he'll change his mind or call it a day. 1st option worries me because of my age and the 2nd option will definitely break my heart.

Answer 1

Hun ...all the advise we can give you is really great "BUT" you already know the answer to your own question, your just not opening your mind to accept it.
you already know "WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU"...go with it,intuition is the minds way of telling you what's right, listen to it you won't go wrong.
now for one of the answers to your question;Communication is one of the best things you can have in a relationship and if you cannot communicate then you will....have problems, nothing like you talking to him and him sitting there like a bump on a log....
If he wants to bring a baby into this world ...that baby deserves a MOMMY AND A DADDY WITH THE SAME LAST NAME.if he cannot commit to marriage he doesn't need to commit to a baby...that's asking allot of you.. if i were you ...I'd move on ...trust me there is someone else out there who has the same dreams & desires as you do and he is probley looking for you right this very moment.(broken heart can be mended) good luck

Answer 2

Either way you should not have a child if you don't feel it in your spirit. Children change your life completely and require so so much. You will be sacrificing your life for that child. And if you have a baby just for him then if he later acts up then it will be harder for you to move on than it would be if you didn't have a child.
I am 25 and I have 2 kids, my first child we got married while I was pregnant. It was his decision alone to give me two kids, but till this day he has not shared any of the responsibility and he is a bad father, my children is 6 and 4.
I've been with him for 8 years (6 years married).
So do what you feel and have the baby for you not him or anyone else. If He can't accept this then you must leave because you may regret it in the future.

Answer 3

Seems like quite a lot is on his terms. Why don't you live together is this another one of his choices? I would be weary if he can't talk about his feelings perhaps that's what lead to the break down of his marriage? Have you read 'he's just not that into you'? If he hasn't asked you marry him by now he probably won't and I'm sure you don't want to be a single mum. I would tell him you want to get married and then have a child and stand by your convictions. Perhaps you want to give him a few months to come around to the idea but being together 5 years is enough time to know whether you want to get married or not. Good luck xx

Answer 4

This is not fair to you that he can choose when he is ready to have more children, but that he doesn't have to give you the commitment of a marriage with a stable home together where you can raise your children together.

You need to think about what is it that you want? If you want marriage then you have to leave him and find someone else if he isn't going to commit. Forget about having children... you should have someone completely committed to you in marriage first.

You need to cut off having any sexual relations with him and distance yourself from him telling him that although you love him, he is being selfish in wanting children out of wedlock and that you will not grant him anymore of his wishes until he can make the ultimate commitment to you. Distance yourself from him for something like month or two and tell him you want to know what his answer is at the end of that time because you are not going to sit around and wait any longer after being together for 5 years already.

If it comes down to you having to leave him in the end, yes, it will break your heart, but won't it break your heart to stay with him longer, have his children only to have him leaving you a single mother? That just isn't fair.

Answer 5

"Just over a year ago we had a termination, I feel this was more his decision than mine. "

Ok, you were pregnant before, and let him talk you out of it?
Now he wants you to have a baby out of wedlock?

Were you two having an affair? Is that why he couldn't have a baby last year?


How about this: tell him you will do whatever he says and be a nice little girl, because 30 is too old to think for yourself and to put off making babies! While you're at it, have daughters and teach them to put up with BS like mommy!

Dump him, dump him dump him!

If the communication's not good, it never will be. He's either willing to or he isn't and FIVE YEARS is LONG ENOUGH. Okay?

Answer 6

I think he will come around. I'm wondering if it's the wedding itself that is bother him, and not the institution of marriage. Perhaps, if that is the case, you guys could compromise on a smaller wedding (or a destination wedding)

As far as your second option, I think you need to be clear on 2 points to him, and if he does not get these messages then I would say it would be time to consider moving on.

1. You are not happy with the level of communication between you. And you are correct for wanting more from him in this arena. Without a comfortable level of communication marriage would be doomed/unpleasant anyways.

2. He needs to know that you have needs as well. Needing to be in a fully committed relationship is a bonafide need (ladies, not saying that is a weakness). If he is not ready to cross that bridge with you happily then I think you need to seriously at your future and what you want for yourself.

Hope that helps. Good luck.

Answer 7

This doesn't sound like a very good deal for you.

1. Don't plan on changing a man. If his communication skills haven't changed now, why would you think this will change later?

2. He already has a child. Marrying again is so hard on kids -- and on the new wife.

3. He wants you to have his baby, but he doesn't want to marry you?!?! How selfish and irresponsible is that!

This is a "bargain" you can definitely pass up!

Answer 8

So this guy wasn't ready last year and talked you into "terminating" your baby but now he feels he is ready for you to have a baby but not ready to marry you? This boy sounds like he wants his cake and he wants to eat it too. He is already a partime dad and probably sees himself in the same type of role with your child. If he doesn't want to marry you then you will be on your own taking care of this child 24-7 while he comes over once in awhile and plays the part. You need someone in your life who will be there for you 24-7 and if a child comes from that union, great. If not, then it wasn't meant to be. Also, if someone doesn't like to talk about their feelings, it is usually because they have something to hide. Like maybe he doesn't feel the way he wants you to think he feels. Hope something makes sense here. Just remember, a baby is forever!!! A broken heart will mend (in time). You and your children deserve someone who will love and adore them and be there for them!! Best of luck.

Answer 9

It's only you who is delaying having a baby.

If you want one and he wants one, have one. Pre - requisite marriage will inevitably mean you won't ever be a mother. Your boyfriend has been married before and he does not want to get married again so if you accept this then take your relationship to 'parenthood' level and if you don't accept this then you need to end the relationship.

He doesn't want to get married and it may be that no amount of you wating will change this. In addition, a baby will not change his view either. You decide. Men don't generally like to talk in depth about feelings, it does not mean he doesn't deeply love you.

Answer 10

Your age isn't a problem. Many women become mothers in their mid or even late thirties. I think if he means so much to you that leaving him would break your heart, then you should tell him how you feel and be honest with your views on having a baby. You should not have a baby just because you are afraid of losing him. It would not work and it is not fair to the baby if your relationship fails.