My husband keeps asking weird sexual questions...?

Question

Okay my Husband has been deployed for about 9 months. recently he has been just in the last week been doing things he has never been doing since we were together... like asking about have 3 somes and such and like ive never done it before. and he registerd for a porn website... and then alll that kinda stuff i duno hes just acting differently... please help.i dont want to lose him.

Answer 1

Well there could be two reasons... One he's cheating on you and the "threesome" talk is about her? The other, maybe he's been hanging with his buddies and they have exposed him to it and he's nothing else to do but numb his mind with that junk. You may just have to ask him whats going on. There could be a third reason ... If he's been deployed, there is such a load of stress on him and this could be his way to escape in his mind?

What ever the reason, you both need to talk!

Answer 2

There's alot more going on here than just old flames coming back into her life. Alot of what she says doesn't sound right to me. The biggest red flag was her telling you of her "past" right before the wedding. Most couples are alot more upfront way before the wedding. The problem here is that she said she'd never go back to that life. Guess what? She did already for 15 years. These guys aren't the one that are chasing her. She's chasing them. She isn't sexual with you because she already got you. The ones out there are what's bringing excitement to her. Your counselor is right on the money about the choices you have. Accept her or leave her. Only you can decide if you're better off with or without her. Personally, after 15 years of this nonsense, I'd wager that she isn't going to change at all.I know you're staying with her because of your kids. While that's commendable, understand that the kids are growing thinking that your relationship is normal and that is someone very similar like you guys that they are going to marry. Is this is what you want them to learn? Meanwhile, get yourself tested for every kind of STD that your wife may have passed onto you. You're not a fool, just foolish and a good guy. Good luck, hun.

Answer 3

As a former Marine I can tell you that being deployed spawns tons of bordom. Most of the time you've got nothing but time alone to let your imagination get the better of you. I went through a similar phase when I was overseas. I'd just be patient with him, indulge him to a point you are comfortable. Have to remember this is a pleasant distraction for him at a time where there isn't much to be happy about. Hope that helps, feel free to email me if you have other deployment/behavior questions. Good luck.

Answer 4

I've been there. He's gone through a tough time, and the porn v.s. wife ratio has been way out of balance. He's probably desperate for sex, and desperate for adventure. (Life here is a lot more boring then over there). I'd encourage you to be a bit more open, but draw the line. You might find that you enjoy some of the new ideas. And definitely, don't hold out on him. That's going to be just as hard on him as when the kids are scared of him.

Don't get angry at him, understand he's spent a lot of time with really immature (and single) guys, in a tough place, and it's going to take time to adjust. However, you can, nicely, let him know you don't appreciate the porn. Don't give him the "you don't love me" crap; he'll hear you saying "I don't love you.", and don't think that he's watching it because he hates you.

Answer 5

Get him into "transitional" counseling. It is for soldiers coming home, and specifically mention the things which are triggering upset to you. He may find things different, and have to relive this with a counselor. Some of the things he's engaged in are illegal, and if he didn't engage in these he could have got hurt.
This is his way of reliving this with you at home, and you aren't qualified or capable of supplying more than the love and being there to see him through this. You don't know how much he needs to tell someone, and you don't know how much is legal. I went through this with my son, and I know a woman who went through this for five years with her son home from Iraq after 2 years. He didn't want to live, he didn't want a girl. She kept quiet, and prayed. He said the "transitional counseling" was good, because it mentioned all the illegal things, although it didn't last nearly long enough, before they were sent home to people he didn't think could understand. Don't get abused and think you are helping him. Try a mood stabilizer, if he is willing to go for help, and look to the future. They can tell where in life he is at. Ready for a promotion, a child, a hobby, etc. He is lost in this himself. Let him sift through this.

Answer 6

It seriously could be part of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) I would insist he be evaluated for it. It is common for it to manifest itself in ways other than nightmares often the person does things they would never have done before. It's worth looking into. I'm so sorry your going through this my brother has PTSD and really changed when he came home, it took us a year to get him help but he is finally getting it. We were able to recognize the symptoms early because my husband suffered from PTSD when he came home from war.

For more information call the PTSD Information Line at [phone] or Email [e-mail].

Answer 7

I too have been deployed. When you have it (the ability to share in sex with you) anytime you want it ... when you're home, you take it for granted. When you can't have it, on long deployments such as in the military.... you tend to crave what you're missing.

I have read what a lot of other respondents have said and for the most part... a lot of what most have said is true. He is longing for you and the intimacy that he is missing. As per what you said, he is online and "looking" at sensual and sexual materials since he can't personally share in that with you while you two are apart. Whether or not he is discussing a lot of sexual stuff with others is only a "guess" at this time. A lot of what you are hearing might be his thoughts and comments from that which he is experiencing online in the internet sites he is frequenting.

I can tell you from my experiences... the guys I was around were not all that expressive and graphic of their sexual longings and exploits while deployed as it reinforced their pent up desires. Guys don't want to be reminded of what they're missing on their deployments by other comrades. It is still pretty much a taboo area to admit one's incredible sexual appetite and desires while in a deployed state. And the obvious release from masturbation is certainly a taboo subject matter amongst " the guys."

Trust me... a threesome is probably most mens' predominant fantasy... multiple ladies satisfying one man! What guys would not love that thought? It is a natural thing.... he is now letting the "thoughts and fantasies" that his fertile mind is conjuring up come to light... he is informing YOU and that is how it should be. Be attentive... communicate in all of this with him being as open as you can and helping him through this. Not saying buy into these suggestions if you are not interested in the sexual outlets he is suggesting.... however, for fantasy sake... let loose with what you desire and he will be appreciative.

As per the thought of "losing him." Not meaning to worry you about that... can it happen? It most certainly can if the relationship is not strong enough to survive. Men and women alike have sought online relationships that eventually devastated a marriage. This can happen from both sides of the pond though. Communiate openly with him.... both of you need to keep the tie. If you continue to talk and address things as they develop.... this separation and the amount of communication are accomplishing could very well be a great thing for the two of you. One such "good thing" about such separations is that you as a couple are forced to communicate more in e-mails and via phone calls which you might not have done to that degree when you were together. Right? The delicate thing about phone calls and e-mails sent and received when deployed such as this is when you have so little time to carefully pick and choose just the right phrases in communicating your thoughts and feelings in the e-mail letters and phone calls....the communicate does not clearly convey your thoughts in the way you wanted it to. Be careful... if he has been deployed for nine months and the two of you have been communicating regularly.. you have experienced this already.

E-mails written, sent and received are like time bombs... especially the e-mails as with the time zone change.... when he is receiving and answering your e-mails you are asleep and vice versa... and when you receive his e-mail and you read something that he did not say clearly enough... it affects you to a very negative degree and then you lash out in a return e-mail thinking he meant this when in fact he may have meant that. With e-mail exchanges you do not have the ability to clarify something that is sid right at that point in time. You can't hear the other person say "excuse me"? What did you mean by that?" Or... "does this mean?" You do not have that ability or luxury with an e-mail. Also... when you press that SEND button... you cna't take it back! What's snet is...SENT!

Does any of this sound remotely familiar? I have had this happen to me on so many occasions it is off the charts. And.... for me, who considers myself an excellent communicator and who prides himself on wanting to "hear" what my significant other has to say... I know that people who are less likely to "communicate their open and honest thoughts to each other".... that a physical separation like that of a military deployment can be a difficult one indeed.

Don't shut the door on discussion of all of these sexual thngs with your husband. Most likely he is desiring your answers to a lot of what he is seeing and thinking about... communicate openly with love and caring attention with him in all. You will be able to determine what interests you both have as per possible likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc....

Answer 8

You have to understand that he's been away from his home, wife, and everyone and everybody he loves. This is not to say you should be his love slave or anything. He's obviously been exploring different things like porn...and imagining the wildest fantasies.

The porn is not a big deal, I think the threesome is a stretch though.If you are comfortable with the threesome, do it. And if you're not don't! It's as simple as that.

I don't think you will lose him if you just let him know how you feel. Be aware though if you are too "willing" you may lose him b/c he may like that lifestyle better.

Answer 9

He simply has pent up sexual energy,, put it to good use!,, do him" as much as possible,,wear him out,, when a man is "done" he is totall relaxed,, with zero sex on the mind, for, at least, a little while. When he was gone,, he just kept getting more arroused,, ,and frustrated. a thresome might be fun,,but,, it also might beregretttable,,that is somthing to toatally think about, and agree on. Personally, think a threesome, in a GOOD solid relationship, is a lot of fun, and an exciting change.,,( but please be safe) I do know some,,who routinely have threesomes, and it is actually good for them. Talk it over carefully, and honestly with him . Tell him how you really feel. then,,maybe consider a one time only thing, for all to enjoy.

Answer 10

Just ask him why the sudden change in interests. Chances are he's probably just curious. It's probably stuff that he talked about with other guys on his deployment. (I was once in the service. You wouldn't believe what kind of crazy s*** guys will talk about when they've been away from their wife for months on end!) If it's stuff that you are not interested in doing, you need to let him know pronto! If he persists, maybe consider marital counseling.