Should step parents be allowed to discipline their step children?

Question

My daughter has 4 kids, ages 1 yr to 10 yrs. She recently married for the second time and her 1 yr old belongs to her new husband. I really don't like the way the husband treats her other kids. I have witnessed him spanking, yelling and even arguing like a child with the 10 yr old. I have talked to both of them about this and she says that as long as he is helping to raise and take care of them then he should be able to discipline them. I do not agree, I had a step daughter for 9 yrs before my husband passed away and I NEVER layed a hand on that child. I live in Las Vegas and they live in Memphis. When I visit my son-in-law tries to be on his best behavior around me but he slips sometimes and gets the evil eye from me, then he backs off. Sometimes when I talk to my daughter on the phone I can hear him screaming at one of the kids in the back ground. It's usually my 10 yr old grandson. I think that my daughter is just as much in the wrong here as her husband, she is their mother.

Well I guess that I should add here that the step father is not a good provider. At the moment he is not working, only my daughter is and...last year he spent 6 months in jail for NOT paying his child support. Sorry, but I cannot stay out of it, they are my grand children and if I think anybody including my daughter is mistreating/abusing in anyway, I will step in.

DANG!! CHILL OUT!! All I did was ask a yes or no question. I did NOT ask for your opinion of me or for you to jump down my throat about being concerned for my grand children. Thanks to you that gave a decent and friendly answer to those that jumped me EXCUSEEEE ME!

Answer 1

I sympathize with you, I am also a grandmother, I have a lot of grandchildren, but three, of them live in the Apartment we built on the backyard, for my Daughter. When she met her present Husband, she had been Divorced from her first Husband for three years, and they had a son, together, as time passed she started dating her present Husband and decided to get Married, he professed to her that he will always love her son, as if he was his own, but as time went by I started noticing that my Grandson, was afraid of him and did not want to go to his house, but we did not think anything about it, when once I heard him yelling at him, and that is when all hell broke loose, I started banging on the door and yelling at the top of my lungs, to open the Door, I told him that if I found out he was mistreating my grandson, I would call Child Protective Services and file a complaint against him, and I said "is that the way you show you love him?" My Daughter started saying that he was entitled to tell her child, any thing he wanted and even spanked him, so, what I told both of them, yes, he can scold him, and show him manners but not with yelling or hitting. When, at night I say my prayers, I ask God to protect all the Children of the World, and not to let any Harm come to them, and when I I find out of something that happened to a Child, I always, ask the almighty, why, he lets bad things happen to them. Some two years back, we had a case of a little girl who was beaten to Death, by her stepfather, and they tried to make it look like the child had gotten lost during the night and in the Morning the Police found her body, near a lake, so, when the truth was known, they discovered who the culprit was. The little girl's Mother was an abused battered woman who was afraid of her common law husband and she did nothing to protect her Daughter. It makes my blood boil when I know of the abuse some children are subjected to, that it makes me, protect my Grandson, from harm's way. I hope that your Daughter realizes that her Children are precious and they are lent to us for caring and protecting them from harm, and also, to rear them to be productive citizens.

Answer 2

I think it has a lot to do with the age of the child and how long the couple has been married. For example, my husband and I got together when my son was 2 years old. We all get along well with my sons father My 6 year old says he has "2 daddies". My husband is the one that is involved in his day to day life. He brings him to school every morning and does all the daddy things, and is pretty much The Daddy. So yes, absolutely, he has every right to discipline him. And it's rare that he needs a spanking, but when he does (maybe 3 times a year) I have no problem with my husband doing it. (he is actually much more patient and nice than I am when it comes to discipline). Now if a couple got married and the children were already older, like 8 or more, and they were close to their biological parent, the ex...then no, the step parent probably shouldn't take the disciplinary role, mostly just to keep the peace. But always the step parent should be able to talk to the kid about their actions, and as an adult and parent he/she should be respected. You didn't say how old your daughter is. And how much is she there? If she's there 50% of the time or more, than the step mom to be should be involved...but hitting isn't ok. Hitting is never ok. I'll spank my kids when I Have to, but never just hit them. Nobody should hit anybody, especially children. You could talk to your ex about this and get his point of view on it...if he wasn't around and she spanked your child, that may be acceptable. If she is actually Hitting the kid, you got some problems on your hands that need to be dealt with right away.

Answer 3

Step parents should be allowed to discipline the children, but this behavior doesn't sound like discipline. Appropriate discipline would be taking away priviledges, grounding, etc. Screaming and hitting are considered abusive.
I'd have a long talk with your daughter... you never know... how do you think he's treating HER? He sounds like an abusive man. I'd recommend calling Child and Family services and expressing your concerns. And, point out to your daughter that if these kids are in an abusive situation, she may end up losing them, so she needs to wake up.

Answer 4

This is a decision that should be made between your daughter and her new husband but if you feel the kids are being abused or misused you can always go to the authorities in order to protect your grandchildren. You should speak with your daughter personally and let her know of your concerns before taking further action. Also, giving this guy the "evil eye" is not the same as actually expressing yourself in a more mature manner while in your daughter's presence so that there will be no misunderstanding or confusion about anything your might say to him (or what he might say to you).

Answer 5

i for one have a child from a previous relationship and my
husband of 13 years has his input on the discipline of
my now 17 year old child. but honestly there is a correct
way a step parent should discipline the step child. my
husband has never laid his hands on my daughter nor
has he raised his voice to her. i feel if the step parent
is helping to raise the child he/she should have some
boundaries as to spanky and so forth. if this is very
bothersome to you you should seriously sit with your
daughter and explain to her that there is a certain way
he should handle the children that are not his. i understand
she may take it as interference but you are the grand-
other to these children. and you are concerned. and
there is nothing wrong with that. i hope you can sit with
her and she will understand what you are trying to explain
to her. hopefully she will then discuss this with her husband.
and especially if the other childrens father hears of the way
this man is treating the children there will be more issues
than this right now....... also hopefully someone will not
report the actions of him to child protective services. i
hope and pray that if you talk with her she will listen to
your advice and change their ways...

Answer 6

I would only agree to a step parent disciplining a child if he or she wasn't yelling and hitting the children. If she is going to allow him to help with the children then they both need to get some parenting help before the children are so emotionally messed up from him yelling and hitting them. Your daughter is being lazy and doesn't want to deal with it.

Answer 7

You are not asking a Question at all you are stating a opinion and asking everyone to agree with you.Yes I believe step parents should be able to discipline their children if they care for them then you cant very well tell a Step parent to not correct a child that they love as their own.That would never go maybe you just have issues with this person personally and assaulting his parenting skills is your way of lashing out at him If your kids don't have bruises or anything and all he is doing is yelling at them them stay out of it. Dad's yell it is what they do. But like I said you were never asking a question anyways you just want people to tell you what you want to hear.What about the biological father?Why are you not attacking him with your Evil Eye as you said. If there is abuse it is a matter for DHS if not stay out of it.

Answer 8

Whether you agree or not, your daughter has made it clear that he is helping to raise the kids and should discipline them.

I sympathize with you, but I agree with your daughter. Step families have to work these things out on their own. I raised my stepson like my own and while I have some regrets, he thinks of me as his mother and is grateful for the things that I taught him. He's 19 and in the Marines now.

Unfortunately, if you don't step back, your role as grandmother will be limited. They have a right to raise their kids with out your meddling or evil eye. And they won't want you around if it's going to cause problems between them. It's a harsh, harsh reality.

Be supportive and let your grandkids know that you love them. That's your role.

Answer 9

I agree with you here.
Your daughter married this guy; but she should be careful and not allow him to pester or traumatize her other kids.

It's a tough situation, because you are the grandmother, and she is the mother. And the fact you live far makes it even more stressful for you.

Perhaps you could convince your daughter to go to therapy or to counseling, so she sees you don't mean to be judgemental or to butt in....Sorry to hear about this.

Could it be possible for you to have the kids visit you for a couple of weeks when they are not in school? Grandmas can be sooo loving and good for a child's self-esteem!

Answer 10

As long as it is discipline, and not abuse then I think he is in the right to take on this role. I have step children of my own, and I discipline them as if they were my own... and I have to tell you, its people like you that .(you probably think that your daughter should be the only one to discipline them because they are her kids and not his) need to mind their own business.... if you think its abuse, then step in and say something, if he is ONLY trying to make them mind, then keep your mouth shut, your daughter knows its happening, and is allowing it, so whats the problem?