My husband has recently been unfaithfull to me and i am giving him another chance but i still keep thinking of it and when i get mad i throw it up in his face!How do i stop?
2007-05-25 11:27:27 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
grow up
2007-05-25 11:49:02 · answer #1 · answered by kc 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, it was YOUR choice to take him back. Did you take him back simply so you could have some ammunition to throw in his face to "make him pay"? Or did you take him back because you seriously want to make this work? Even in a court of Law a person can only be tried once for a particular crime, but you are making him pay every time it suits you. I guess you really have to sit down and think seriously what your motives were in taking him back. If you continue on like this, then you will end up pushing him away. A person will only take so much about being reminded of something they probably want to forget. If you seriously want to work this out with your husband, then you have to stop bringing the subject up all the time. I know the counselling thing is pushed a little bit too much sometimes, but I seriously think that maybe in your case it is a good idea. Cheating is about the worst kind of betrayal.....it makes you question a lot of things about yourself. You havent dealt with it...thats why you keep on bringing it up. He hurt you to the quick and nothing he has said to you has made any sense......You want answers, and youre not getting them. I dont know of many marriages that survive after infedility if counselling is not sort. Give it a try, otherwise the memory of what he did will always be in the front of your mind. The fact that you keep on bringing it up is proof that you are not finding it easy to deal with. You need help.....and as a couple then both of you need third party intervention. If your husband doesnt want to go to counselling, then he obviously doesnt know what his infedility has done to you. If he doesnt want to go to counselling with you, then maybe you are justified in bringing it up all the time, simply because he hasnt shown any remorse.....or you dont believe he is really sorry. It is human nature to want answers, and until it sits right in your mind then you will continue to bring it up until he makes you understand why he did what he did. A counsellor will make that process a lot easier for you to understand, and will give you the best chance of this marriage surviving.
2007-05-25 11:56:39 · answer #2 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Meditate on it. Take 1/2 hour each day (and every time he REALLY ticks you off) and go find a quiet place to sit down and think (or empty your head of thoughts - or pray - or read). During this time, give your bad thoughts up. Remind yourself that you are trying to save your relationship and remind yourself WHY.
When you are fighting, stop....take a deep breath.....let him know you need a breather for 5 - 10 minutes. When you come back, be calm and have your argument rationalized.
Tell him when it's appropriate that you're still having problems accepting what he did to you. Let him know you are REALLY trying to work through it! Ask him to be patient with you and know that you are doing what you need to in order to forgive him, but remind him that he hurt you very, very badly and IT WILL TAKE TIME!!!
On a personal note, you are a bigger person than I am. My husband is cheating on me too. We separated for what I THOUGHT was short term in October. Not even a month later (I'm pregnant with his child, by the way - due next month), he's telling me he's moving on with other women. He has not kept himself discreet at all and he's basically sleeping with anything that will spread their legs. The point is, congratulate yourself on being strong enough to GIVE him another chance. Not everyone could do that. You are a good woman and you are stronger than you think you are! But if he thought there were not going to be hard feelings and backlashes when he got back with you, he was sadly misguided. He is the one who backstabbed you. You have every right to be hurt and angry.
Good luck to you. I hope everything works out - also on a personal note, I know a few couples that have gone through this and they DO get through it. It takes time, but some of these couples are stronger than ever!
2007-05-25 11:36:50 · answer #3 · answered by Shannon H 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you both could set up a plan, like you get to throw it up (without repercusions) 4 times this year, 3 times next year, 2 times etc...
Any more than that you should agree to apologize, because you are trying to work it out and that is not helping. If he is worth anything, he feels bad about it.
However, he probably isn't worth it, since he did that to you in the first place...
Good luck, I would probably pretend to stay for a while until I got my mind straight and then I would leave. You have a free get out of marriage card...
2007-05-25 11:52:38 · answer #4 · answered by sugar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk it out with a counsellor or a pastor. Get it all out there in the open. Then make a point of whenever you think you're about to bust out the "Cheating SOB" card take a moment and count to 10, maybe even go to 100 but turn down the heat a bit before you beat him with the club. If you can't then maybe it's a dealbreaker for you and you can split up.
Careful though, if you keep thowing it up in his face, even if he's been a model husband, he might just say "screw it" and walk away too.
2007-05-25 11:39:43 · answer #5 · answered by Deep Thought 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would start with counseling so you can learn how to work through it. I don't blame you at all but if you agreed to forgive him then you have to give it a chance and stop throwing it in his face. Something like that takes a long time to work through. Try and be patient with yourself. He should also be patient with you. Trust is a difficult thing to earn back once you have lost it.
2007-05-25 11:40:27 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tough, actually. He has betrayed you, sweetie. Betrayal is the only real deal-buster.
If marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust, the trust is in the toilet with betrayal, it is impossible to get past the visual of him pronging another woman, and your respect and admiration are in the toilet too. You don't have a marriage hon, you have a live in male. And if you started in counseling today, any up front counselor will tell you you are looking at 2 years to heal the trust... because you know as well as anyone, once a cheater, always one.
Get into counseling, you can't do it yourself, and if he won't go with you, you have your answer, don't you????
2007-05-25 11:38:19 · answer #7 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to consciously make yourself stop. You can forgive and forget. Forgetting is the hardest part. Every time he works late, goes to the store and comes back late, isn't home when he says he is, you will think he is cheating again. It's just human nature. If you want the marriage to work, you have to stop accusing him. Tell yourself the marriage is in your hands. Keep accusing him and it's over. Don't accuse him and you have a chance. Good luck.
2007-05-25 11:33:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are truely trying to work things out then you need to focus on the good not the bad- Focus on your love for one another- not what he done that hurt you more than likely it hurt him to and you are only hitting him twice as hard with it and it will eventually come between youns and cause him to resent you because he will take it that all you are doing is trying to hurt him back- 2 wrongs don't make a right- Give him a chance
2007-05-25 11:32:42 · answer #9 · answered by cabbagepatchgirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You both should sit down and talk about what has happened with out screaming and yelling I know there will be things said that will hurt but you must listen to everything that is said before you say anything think about it before you say it you cant take back words. And if you have truly forgiven him then you need to find out why so you can correct it Thats if it is worth doing, But if you keep bringing it up all the time you are going to push him away.GOOD LUCK
2007-05-25 12:31:27 · answer #10 · answered by John T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
chances are, and i know form experience, you will always throw this up in his face, because you were hurt, and you cant undersatnd how he could want someone else when you thought he only loved you. If he did it once, he WILL do it again. I know, trust me. It will ALWAYS be in the back of your mind, and every time he goes out the door, you will wonder where he REALLY is going. If he is really sorry, and you want to give him a chance ( your choice) then you will have to button your lips. it isnt easy good luck
2007-05-25 11:33:55 · answer #11 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋