Starting to waiver about divorce... don't need a lecture, but want practical advice... even if not popular

Question

To waste less time... basically, hubby had a 10 month affair. It was recently discovered. I want to file for divorce. There are 2 kids involved. We are agreeing so far. I'm beginning to waiver in my descision. I miss my husband/ friend/ the kids' father, but definately don't trust him.

Is this repairable? Has anyone else recovered? I know that it may be very hard, but am I jumping the gun because I was hurt? I've heard plenty of once a cheater always a cheater.... I don't need to hear that. I need down to earth practical advice.

He will not tell her name. He claims he is sorry. I am consumed by the details left unaccounted for. After 10.5 years of marriage we had our probs, but we had agreed to work on them.

He was never refused anything.

Could it be my preoccupation with the family and day to day affairs that caused him to search another? I really have been trying to figure this all out.

No, I'm not cold. Boring at times, but not cold.

Answer 1

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It is so hard. It is common to waiver because there is so much stress in divorce and the uncertainty of what is to come. (fear of the unknown)It can be repairable but you would not be the one who has to repair it. He is. Is he willing to tell you everything and go for marriage counseling. Is he trying to rebuild trust with you?
Iam sure that some relationships have recovered but, again it is because the man was willing to repair the purposeful hurt that he caused the relationship.
You are not jumping the gun. He purposefully broke your vows and destroyed the trust that you had built together. HE knew what he was doing and what could happen when you found out.
You said that you wondered why? Usually men who cheat do it because they have a low self esteem and want that void in their own self filled. They think it will be filled if someone else shows them affection. It never works for, only the man himself can fill that void by loving himself. That's why the affairs continue...he continues to look for love and acceptance and he never finds it in another relationship.

Answer 2

Its understandable that you are having second thoughts...a change like a divorce is frightening as is an unknown future.

Restoring trust is the biggest mountain to over come and its unlikely you can do that without a lot of work, including professional counseling.

What will you think the first night he "works late"? What about the first time he calls and says he is going out with the guys for a drink after work? A ten month affair is a lot, what are his feelings for this person now? Do you know all the facts...such as if a child might be involved, does she want the relationship to end, will he decide to go back to it?

These are some of the things you have to consider. Good luck.

Answer 3

If you feel you are perfect and can walk on water then divorce is it. However, if you feel you may be human look at the situation. Have you ever made a mistake? I have never met anybody who hasn't at one time or another screwed up somehow. What sets the smart ones apart from the dumb ones is to learn from a mistake and not do it again. Yes, your marriage is repairable; Yes, many have recovered from a situation such as this (and been stronger as a result). When you look at the bigger picture consider this; in the war of life do you throw in the towel if you lose a battle. I just get a good grip and move forward. Think about doing the same. You have children involved; sounds like he doesn't abuse or beat you; you are talking; men are not perfect (am one); set some new ground rules and forge a stronger bond between the two of you; I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

I am so sorry. I have two kids with my husband, and I can imagine how devestating it must be. Hang in there, whether you like it or not, you are on the path of spiritual growth (and I don't nec. mean Christian spirituality).
If you can go the extra mile and truly forgive him, whether you divorce him or not, you will become a more enlightened individual.
Is he truly remorseful? If so, the marriage may stand a chance. If he agrees that a divorce is the best answer, maybe he is just itching to be with someone else, and you should let him go. It depends on the individual situation.
However, many marriages have recovered after affairs. Both parties have to be deeply commited to changing a pattern (or two) of the way you interact together.
For the best chances of re-creating a healthy marriage, you should seek out counseling, both individualy and together.
Good luck, your kids deserve for you to try to keep it together. It is so rare these days to grow up with married parents, but I really think that if your kids see that you made sacrifices to stay together, they will be much more likely to have lasting relationships themselves.

Answer 5

(1) situation: You stated what YOU feel; But never mentioned what HIS response was to getting found out! THAT is the most important thing in this situation. Most Women ask-Do you love Her? Were you afraid of the answer? Maybe HE want's out of your "relationship". Has he begged you to forgive him?; has he vowed never to see Her again? A 10 Month "affair" is serious! He found something missing in his life, besides Sex. As difficult as it is YOU NEED TO TALK to him about it! FIRST! Your personal relationship(intimacy/ communication) has aparantly dissolved; with attention to family/work ect. Getting it back will require work; and BOTH of you need to want it back. If you Love Him (you did not say) it IS worth it. Couples who have been able to work through these things have created a stronger better relationship. But not because of fear of lonliness or change; or convenievce; but because you LOVE each other really care about reclaiming the relationship, that you have lost.

(2) Seperation/Divorce: is difficult. Most people are struggling along to make ends meet with one household to support. All your assets are Marital property; are subject to division by the Court; including custody & control of your children. (If you suddenly have to work outside the home more; to take support the children, you could even end up losing custody; if he should re-marry and have a stay-at -home Wife.) Living seperately with the same amount of family income/assets can be a significant hardship. (Each party needs a residence; transportatin ect ect. Even when the parties are agreed to no longer be together; is requires advance "planning"; so everyone, especially the children do not suffer any more than necessary. Good Luck

Answer 6

It depends on if he wants to save the marriage. If he is not asking for forgiveness and saying he's sorry then you need to go through with the divorce because most likely it will happen again.
On the other hand... if he wants to save your marriage then I would definitely say stay in it. Its LIFE.. sometimes it sucks. Sometimes you get hurt or you do the hurting.
You get lied to or you do the lying.
You need to communicate with him and see what led to him having the affair (10months is a long time). So does he feel he was missing something or what? Its gonna hurt like hell, and it will probably take a long time to start to trust him again, but only you know if its worth it.
The only way it will work is if you both agree to make it work. But dont loose your husband, your friend, and your kids dad because of a mistake he's made.
Work it out if possible - good luck.

Answer 7

Hi Hun,

I know this must be so hard for you. Your trust was broken and you will never be the same. All I can say is that the hardest decision to make is usually the right one. I know you miss him and I'm sure the kids do too. This disruption in your life is not right, you deserve better. PLease be strong, he will never learn his lesson if you take him back, even if he swears to you that he will never do it again, once the worries are gone he will get bored and history will repeat. All I can say is don't draw out this pain longer than needed. It will take you a while to recover, but you are already on your way. Do you want to feel this kind of pain again? I couldn't imagine that you would. Please take my advice and the advice of many others that will agree with me I'm sure, don't go back!

Happiness is waiting out there for you, you just need to go find it. In the meanwhile keep yourself occupied and do not get involved with anyone else until you have had time to heal! Focus on your children and the happiness they give you. If they try to talk you into getting back together because they miss their dad you need to tell them that isn't possible and they will understand when they get older. If HE puts them up to it you will need to address this with him, they are affected by all this too and it is HIS fault. Counseling would be good for you and children, it's always good to have someone elses perspective to keep you in line.

I hope this helps. Stay strong love!

Answer 8

It is possible, always.

But it's not just up to you. You may have helped create the breeding ground for the affair, but he's the one we need to know about. Was he pushed or did he jump? Did he like it, or was it just comfort in a cold environment? Has it happened before?

The short answer is, if he is not a roving dog addicted to roving then yes. It is repairable. Especially since you are considering it. You should go to counselling the both of you and take any forgiveness REAL SLOW. It will send a message that he is not gettng away with murder, which is a form of spoiling a partner and can encourage them to go bad.

Answer 9

If you do not know what to do, then do nothing.
Take your time making the biggest decision of your marriage.
What makes it hard to get past an affair is more than your spouse having sex with another person. Have you seen the woman? Is your husband through with her? Does he want you to forgive him and keep the marriage. People do survive affairs. But, I have not seen anyone do it happily. 10 months is a pretty long affair.
Honestly, I could not be so forgiving. I put to much into my marriage. I would not be able to look at him, much less forgive him. But, that is me.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 10

The biggest question is can you get past the hurt and trust him again. I'm not saying right now, but can you see yourself trusting him at some point?

Also, did the affair end? Does your husband want to work things out?

What he did was wrong, but can You get past it? No one can answer what you should do, but listen to your heart. You have two children with this man, he screwed up, you've put a lot of time and effort into this relationship, maybe it's worth a little more effort from both of you.

Good Luck!