i need advice on personal finances when im a stay at home mom and my husband owns his own business?

Question

i have stayed at home since i had our son in november. my husband has his own business. i have no clue as to how much money we have. i have no access to any money unless he gives it to me. i have run out of gas and had no money. if i need to go to the store or run errands i have to get money from him first. he gave me 110 dollars for groceries last night. i got to the check out and was 20 dollars short. i was kinda mad about it. he got mad at me and said he is the one working for all the money and i should be happy with how much he gave me. what should i do?

Answer 1

I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years and my husband is the provider, but we both have access to the money. As a matter of fact, because I am at home and more responsible in that area, I manage the finances. Your husband is wrong in keeping you from accessing your bank using an ATM card. Of course you would have to be responsible in managing your spending. It sounds like your job right now is not being appreciated. If you were to go to work and hire a babysitter, it would cost you all much more. Maybe you could bring that up in a loving way, not nagging and see what he says. Tell him that you are thinking of getting a job in order to have some money and what he thinks about it.

Answer 2

It sounds like he has some control issues! Regardless of who makes the money, you are a family and should be equally entitled to it! There is nothing wrong with being on a budget and working together to stick with it, but he needs to try to make you feel more informed.

You have every right to know where the money is going, and how much is being made! Afterall, if he isn't paying the bills, your credit will be affected also! You realy need to put your foot down on this! Make him understand that you just want to be included in the finances! What would happen if he were to be killed tomorrow? You wouldn't have a clue where to start. Tell him that!

Instead of getting so upset about how much money he gives you for groceries, tell him to do the shopping! He needs a dose of reality if he thinks $110 is enough!! Maybe that will open his eyes!

Good luck

Answer 3

You two need to talk, and quickly! A marriage is a partnership. If you agreed that you'd stay home and care for the child and the house while he works, then that's what you do. You should have access to everything as his wife, accounts, income, taxes, etc. This is not the 1600s. You should be given a monthly allowance that covers everything you need - including food, toiletries, gas, clothes, shoes, etc. Now if you have issues managing money, then have him pay the bills but give you money for incidentals. And you will need to go into a budget management class. There is no way I would allow my husband to dictate to me what I can and can not spend/have. Somethings are practical, if you have a goal in mind, then you have to sacrifice for that goal, but otherwise, he should not tell you "he's making the money, be happy with what he gives". Now if there is no dinner on the table, and no sex at night, you can tell him "be happy with what I gave you" but you don't really want that. You want a marriage that works and isn't tit-for-tat. His job is to make the money, yours is to stay home and manage it. If not, get some counseling - but I would think this should have been layed out in the initial agreement. If you have no money of your own, then put the baby in childcare and get a job. If he complains tell him "too bad". You gotta start standing up for yourself. Good luck.

Answer 4

I totally understand. I've been a stay home mom for about 6 years now. To be honest, I wouldn't have it any other way, though- I think the sometimes lonliness, and dealing with all the repitition, and not getting any recognition are just the price you pay, just like any other job has down sides. In other jobs you deal with a bad boss, bad co-workers, feeling underpaid, underappreciated, get sick of the alarm clock & the office politics, and asking for time off.... every job will have down sides. So just try to see it that way a little more, instead of it being 'wrong' because you don't love it & aren't exquisitely happy 100% of the time. I'd HATE to go back to having a boss, waking up to an alarm clock while it's still dark out, needing permission to take a vacation... eww! :) The main things I've discovered is that you just need to have things for yourself every day. Make sure you exercise every day (and make your hubby support it, if you can't squeeze it in during nap time or something). Read every day to enrich your mind (or it'll turn to mush & you'll start feeling like an idiot). Get yourself up & ready & plan things to get out most days. Do something Spiritual. Have a few hobbies that you can dive into during naptime, or after bedtime. Have at least a few nights or Saturdays per month where there's a girls' time out. I have a volleyball group twice a month, and a couple of church ladies' group things I get out to, and it's a total refresher; or even just getting out shopping by yourself on a Saturday. Make sure your hubby supports this kind of thing & you explain how important it is for you to get recharged. And DEFINITELY use your flexible schedule to serve others whenever you can. If you want to feel good about yourself, you help someone else. And there's always that quote, "If you want to find yourself, lose yourself in service to others." P.S.- Winter is just really hard, too. I always get depressed come February or so. Once it's warm & you start getting outside you'll probably perk right back up. Don't let yourself get sucked too deep into self pity or lonliness. Plan more play dates and invite more people over for lunches & stuff. :)

Answer 5

You both need to talk, you are having money and/or control issues. This needs to be resolved so your family will continue to grow healthy. You are a stay at home Mom and that is worth a lot. Your husband may not want to worry you about the finances, may be that is all the money there was available or he may have control issues. In either case you need to be educated on how much money comes in and how much goes out, so you then can create a budget to keep the family healthy.

Answer 6

This guy is controlling you thru money. This is not healthy behaviour. He wants you to be submissive and by holding money over your head he is keeping you submissive. There are some who would regard this as a form of spousal abuse. You need him to share the finances with you. First of all is for equality in marriage. You are not his employee or his servant. You are his wife and that means you need to be involved in the household finances.

Next up, you need to know what bills need to be paid and what you owe and how much money you have. What if he was killed in an accident and you suddenly inherited all of these responsibilities. You would not know what there was to do. For the sake of the family, you need to know how the finances are.

Finally, what is the husband hiding? Is there a lot of debt he does not want you to know about? Is he paying for something that he does not want you to know about.

Talk to him. If he refuses then you need to try to find a way for him and you to get therapy. If he refuses then go by yourself. If he refuses to pay then he is just controlling you even more. In that case, talk to a lawyer. Maybe divorcing the guy and getting half of the business will teach him something.

Answer 7

I am sorry you are going through this...

Are you and your husband able to have calm discussions together or does he completely shut you out?

When you want to discuss these issue with him, do not do it after he just got off of work, but rather after he has had time to relax a bit or on one of his days off.

Ask him if he sees you as his life partner. And then tell you are feeling like it is more like a father-daughter relationship.

He is controlling you this way... he knows he can get away with it... but the problem is, while he is working on the business you are working in the home taking care of the home, the cleaning, the cooking, and your son. He must see it as you having an easy time all day long everyday. He has to realize that you are doing this part of the work so that he does not have to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of you son... you are helping him be able to be comfortable at home... (right?)

You should ask him to include you in some of the finances... like opening up a bank account where every month he puts in a certain amount that is only for you to spend on whatever you want... and then a certain amount again every month for any of the household things you buy...like the groceries. Tell him how much is necessary for groceries and products for the necessities for your son.

I think you should take look at this little slideshow from an episode on Dr. Phil... there are other problems in this marriage also on top of the money, but maybe you can get him to read this together with you?.... click on the "Can Tom learn to share?" under the "Cashless and Confined" section:

http://drphil.com/shows/show/666/


Here is another interesting excerpt from an article she may want to bring up(I'll post the link below it):

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Pay For Housewives
(from The Economic Emergence of Women, 2005 edition)
The housewife, despite the productive work she does, receives no sum of money she can call her wage. This lack of a wage has struck many people as an important injustice, which they say ought to be remedied. Perhaps what is most galling is that while the housewife's duties resemble those of a servant, the financial arrangements she has with her husband arguably resemble those of someone even lower down on the status ladder, namely the slave. Slaves get no sum of money designated as a wage, but do get room, board and clothing.

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taken from:
http://www.listproc.bucknell.edu/archives/femecon-l/200605/msg00011.html

Answer 8

You guys need to come to an agreement over finances. He needs to realize that just because you are not earning an income right now, you are still part of the family, and the job you are doing is helping contribute to the family's finances. How? You don't pay child care expenses, you don't pay the extra commuting costs associated with getting a 2nd person to work, you don't have extra lunches to buy, you probably don't eat out as much, you don't have a dry cleaning bill, and on and on. Just think of all the expenses associated with working full time--that's money you're saving right there.

He needs to have a realistic idea of a budget as well. Explain to him that $110 is NOT going to buy a weeks worth of groceries--not with milk costing close to $3 a gallon. You guys need to figure out a system that will work for the 2 of you. You also need to have some discretionary money that YOU can spend each month, and not have to account to him for it. His attitude that he is working for the money and YOU should be happy with what he deigns to give you is wrong...it's a MY money approach. He needs to realize that it is OUR money, not MY money.

You might need to seek the help of a marriage counselor for this one as well. Try to talk to him first, but sometimes that impartial 3rd party really can help shed some light on the situation. A counselor can probably also help you guys figure out a system that will work for you.

I've been a stay at home mother for almost 18 years now. Our system is this: My husband takes care of the bills--not because I can't, but because he is also a small business owner--so you know that many bills from the household (ie: certain car payments, insurance, etc) are paid by the business. It's easier for him to just pay bills all at one time, rather than keep a stack at home and one at the office. We have 2 checking accounts. One is for fixed household expenses (mortgage, car payments, etc.) that generally are automatically deducted. The other is for other household expenses--stuff like groceries, voice lessons, lunch money for kids, clothes, yearbooks, soccer club payments, household repairs, you name it. I generally have that checkbook with me--but my hubby does keep a pad at the office. We order duplicate checks for that account, because he also has the register. At night, he'll go through my checkbook, and record the checks I've written. I also have a major credit card, and a gas company credit card--so I've never run out of gas because I didn't have the cash on hand to fill up. Running out of gas because you don't have the money to fill up the car can ruin today's fuel injection systems, meaning a very hefty repair bill on the car.

Just talk with him about all this though, and reach a concensus here. It took my hubby and I MANY years to get our system down, and there were LOTS of fights during that time. Just remember you guys are a team, and work as such. Good luck to you both.

Answer 9

i agree with Goldie, Mercer and VW.

This is not how a marriage should be - one person controlling another - very unequal.

By you being at home and not having any knowledge about your finances everything you do is being controlled.

Talk to your husband and work something out - if he doesnt want to budge try counseling and if that doesnt work - i dont think this is a healthy environment for you or your child HOWEVER,

i suspect there is more to this story than you are telling - and that you were aware of his ways before you married him.

Talk, counseling and live a healthy life and Pray for whats best for your marriage and your little one. Please?

Answer 10

He owns his own business...and it sounds like he doesn't take proper care of the accounting end of it. He should be writing himself a paycheck on a regular basis as a salried employee. The amount should be at least equal to a corporate low level executive or less if the business cannot afford it. He should then deposit that check in a separate personal account for your families use.
Was the decision for you to be a stay at home mom shared by both of you? How were your personal (you and him) finances handled prior to this? I suspect all of your paycheck went to your personal expenses with you thinking you were doing a community pot share and share alike. Your business may be involved with accounting issues that will have the IRS with penalties pouncing on you one day. A sound company uses checks not cash (petty cash aside) for every transaction. If your husband operates his business soley with a wad of cash in his pocket, I suspect the taxes have not been filed and you need to see an accountant to get it on track. You are married and the IRS will not separate your earnings from his...it's all one pot to them when they come to collect.
Take an internet course in Small Business Accounting so you understand how it should work. The majority of successful small family businesses I have been involved with the stay at home wife (my aunt, my mother, my mother-in-law and myself) does the accounting/office end of the business. This man is showing clear signs of being a control freak and maybe you having a better understanding of the normal workings of the business may help.
For future reference, it can sometimes be near impossible to get child, let alone spousal, support from a selfish self-employed ex spouse.