If you cant let go of the past, should you divorce?

Question

My husband cheated on me two years ago with his ex girlfriend/baby mama. It made me really insecure although we too have a child together because everyone in his family always amde a big deal of her having his FIRST kids. He only admitted it after 2 years of me pressuring him because i suspected the whole time, which was 2 months ago. Its even worse now because its been verified. I honestly believe he messed up that one time and i love him and he loves me. he treats me well, laways has is a good father and does everything he can to make it up to me and make me feel better. but these feelings just wont go away. when we have sex i cant stop thinking about them together and i keep wondering if he cared about me at al l at the time and things like what did she have that i didn't? It hurts so much because i have always been faithful and giving, the whole time. If i can't get over this, should I divorce my husband?

Answer 1

Getting Past an Affair
If you've strayed from your partner — or been the other lover — you know that dealing with the emotional aftermath of an affair isn't as easy as you may have thought.

Feeling Guilty and Afraid


What is the payoff for hanging onto the guilt? Listen to the messages you tell yourself. Are they keeping you on the right path or are they keeping you from actively participating in your life? If you feel better when you are punished, punishment has become a reward.


Do you pull back from hope and optimism? Do you secretly believe, "If I get too happy, something bad is going to happen to me or my family"? You aren't protecting anyone by withholding who you are. Get back in the game and contribute rather than hide.


What kind of partner/parent do you think you are? The people around you who get less than all of you are painfully aware of how much guilt you feel. You're cheating your partner, your kids, your friends, your church ... and most of all yourself.


If you knew then what you know now, would you do it again? Sometimes you have to make the right decision; sometimes you have to make the decision right.


Forgive yourself for hurting people. There is no lightning bolt of forgiveness. It's a choice you make to use the lessons you've learned in a positive way.

Trusting a New Relationship


Are you trustworthy? If you want a good partner, be a good partner.


Are you afraid the saying, "If they did it with you, they'll do it to you" is true? You can't control your partner's behavior. If this relationship is going to work, you are going to have to own your own behavior.


Stop being manipulative. Search your character and decide what you have to do to not be vengeful.


Control your impulses. Realize that you don't have the right to hurt other people's lives because you aren't getting what you want when you want it.


Work out problems in your relationship within your relationship. You absolutely cannot fix a problem inside a relationship by turning outward.

Moving Forward After InfidelityWhether you're the one who has strayed from your relationship or you're the partner who feels betrayed, Dr. Phil can help you move forward.

Were you cheated on?


It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time.


Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating spouse's behavior or sympathizing with him/her is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault.


Time heals nothing. It is what you do with the time that matters.


Remember that it is better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.


If your partner wants back in, he/she will have to earn his/her way back into the relationship. Renegotiate the relationship in a way that works for both of you.


There comes a point in time where you may have to draw a line and say, "That's it, I'm done. I'm not mad at you. I withdraw my feelings, I withdraw my emotions. You just go do whatever you're going to do because I'm not going to live like this anymore." Don't stay together for the children. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They're much better off with one well-adjusted, happy, thriving parent, than they are with two who are cheating, lying, fighting, and living with stress and pressure.


If there was a child born of the infidelity, understand that your spouse will forever have a relationship with that child's other parent. You have to make the decision about whether you can resolve to be part of that or not.


Did you have an affair?



Own the problems that you created by having an affair. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge.


It is unfair to compare a new, exciting, taboo fantasy relationship to one you've been in for years where there are kids, bills to pay, a house to run and noses to wipe. That is a ridiculous comparison.


In order to resolve your relationship, contact with "the other person" must be cut off 100 percent. You can't work on dealing with the consequences of the affair while you're still having it.


Don't rely on your heart to tell you what to do; rely on your intellect. Do what logic tells you is the right thing to do.


Make the hard decisions. Either leave the marriage to free your partner, or commit to stay. Remember, checking out of one relationship before you finish it appropriately doesn't work.


Ask yourself: What are you doing to help your partner get past the affair?


Be mature enough to recognize that life is not always all about you and what feels good for you in the moment. If you are married and have children, you have an obligation and a commitment that far transcends what feels good.


Help the partner who did not have the affair find emotional closure. You must do whatever it takes until your partner finds it. If it requires you to check in with your spouse multiple times a day, then do it. It'll require you being where you're supposed to be, when you're supposed to be, 24 hours-a-day, seven days-a-week, so your spouse can trust you again. And you do it until.


If a child was born of the infidelity, you will have to have contact with the other person in order to be co-parents. And you do this the right way by not having any contact without your spouse's involvement. If you want to talk with the other person, then you do it with your spouse present.


Want to know if something is cheating? If you wouldn't do it with your spouse standing there, it's cheating.


If your marriage is over and you have children, understand that your relationship with your ex will never end. You will always at least be co-parents of your children. Build a new relationship as their allies.


Do you know what a healthy relationship is? Figure out what you want and behave your way to success.

Answer 2

I've been through this with some friends. He cheated on her but he's made itup to her and has proven he's done with that. This is what we've suggested to her because it was two years ago and she's still not over it, is counseling. If you guys have a good marriage even still and he's proven to you things are going to be fine etc...you might be emotionally stuck back in the past. I would recommend counseling. Not the two of you, just you =) This way you can gain some peace and control over your feelings and learn to move on. If not, you'll probably be miserable and the divorce might end from that, and I don't think that sounds like something you want. It doesn't mean you're weak or a bad person, it's just something that needs to be done =) Good luck!

Answer 3

You have to decide if it's worth losing him over. My husband cheated on me, and I always said that I'd leave him if he ever did. The thing that sucks, is that he did it long ago, but you only recently found out. So, now you have to decide if it is truly in his past, and wether or not you'll ever be in this situation again. You count all the good things he does, and you know he loves you by his current actions. So, like me, you have to decide wether to give up ALL the good things he does every day, because of something he did way back when. I am still trying to decide and I've known what he did for over 4 years. But he is REALLY good to me, and the fact that he ever even TOLD me, makes me want to try and make it work. Honestly, I would have never known if he hadn't told me, so I guess his honesty after the fact accounts for something?

Answer 4

You need to sit down and talk to your husband because this is totally disrespectful on so many levels. I am not sure if you knew this before hand and just hoped he would change or what but you need to make some decisions and quick. If he cares for his ex so much then why did he marry you and not her? Why do you stand by and let her call? I think that this has gone too far and if you dont get out soon you all will be in a happy marriage...together

Answer 5

Whether or not you divorce him, you will still have to get past this. You have to let it go or it will eat you up inside. Don't let it keep bothering you, because stress is so unhealthy. And unforgiveness really only hurts the one who won't forgive. You have to let it go. People make mistakes, and you know he didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you. But if you divorce him, he will go on with his life. Can you go on without him, since you really do believe it was only once? Is it worth throwing your marriage away? He is a good father, and he loves you and treats you well. Please consider that this happens in marriage, and people get through it. Whatever you decide, good luck.

Answer 6

Yes! What he did to you is awful to live with for your whole life.. you will always feel second place and will continue to suffer.. My father cheated on my mother 3 times and had a child with one of the women.. but my mother stayed because of us or because she was afraid to leave... but it has been 10 years of on and off fighting... she is always "remembering" what he did to her and there are times when she crys and crys and it's horrible, me being her daughter to see her go through this, i tell her to leave but i feel that she doesn't have the strength to which is disappointing... the only way you can stay with your husband is if you forget and forgive completely... if you don't, you are only hurting yourself and your children will suffer emotionally as well..


good luck!

Answer 7

girl the past is the past.be happy in the knowledge that YOU have him and not her.no matter what the inlaws say.they dont make your life or go to bed with him at night.if you love him then forgive him.it was a mistake that happens some time ago.so what if he has a 1st born.his still trying to make it up to you no matter what.SO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.AND FORGET THE INLAWS.rather be friends with her for the childrens sake.ull see they all will love and appreciate u 4 it in the end.remember kids also grow up to be adults and then they ask qeustions.

Answer 8

You have to do whats best for you and what you think will be the best for you! I'd never forgive cheating, I wouldn't even sleep with him again after I knew he cheated! But thats just me.. Each woman has their own ways of things? I guess I'd just think about everything and try to work out the goods and bads in the relationship and see if its worth it to you to stick around and try to work this out? Good Luck either way!

Answer 9

Well, I would make a list of all the things he has done for you and then make a list of all the things that he has done to you. If the good outway the bad then stay and work it out. If the bad outway the good then I would strongly consider leaving. People make mistakes just don't let them make the same one over and over again. Hope this helps!!

Answer 10

Dont do this blunder, past has gone, think of future child is your future, thinking of divorce means destroying the future, forget every thing, live happily your husband loves you.
cheers