I have a friend who has been married for almost a year. This person owned a motorcycle and smoked cigarettes when they met. The person also plays the guitar in spair time and now is being asked not only to give up hobbies but, friends as well. Will this issue break the relationhip down if it goes on unchecked?
2007-05-25 03:06:03 · 18 answers · asked by jlaurentaylor2 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Yes it will. She should have loved him for who he is, not what she thought she could turn him into.
2007-05-25 03:08:49 · answer #1 · answered by Schwinn 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you can ever change a person. They may start acting the way you want them to, but you will not really have changed them, just created a puppet! You should marry a person for who they are, not who you can make them into! I can understand the wife wanting the husband to show a bit more responsibility when children arrive, but to ask him to give up his hobbies and friends is going to have a really bad effect on the relationship. If he follows her wishes, he will not only become her puppet, but will probably eventually not be able to do ANYTHING on his own, without asking her permission. There are a few of my husbands hobbies that I am not crazy about, but then, there are a few of mine that he has no interest in either, but that is the way we were when we got married, and we accepted the differences. She should allow him to keep his hobbies, and perhaps even try and join him in a bike ride sometimes.
2007-05-25 04:14:05 · answer #2 · answered by sparrow 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Change is an inevitable part of life, and often people do make changes to please a spouse or lover. But coercion rarely works out well. It causes resentment and an imbalance in the relationship.
I think it is wise to give up the butts--not only are they unhealthy, but they make sex much less pleasant for the non-smoking partner. The motorcycle might need to be used much less when children come into the picture--it's a bit risky when children are depending on a man.
But it is not reasonable to ask anyone to give up friends and hobbies. It would be better for the other partner to balance things out with activities of her own.
2007-05-25 04:02:24 · answer #3 · answered by nightserf 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In a marriage you do have to make compromises, but you cannot expect your spouse to change 100%... otherwise, he/she will be a different person that you married, and if you wanted a different person you should have married another person!
so maybe his hobbies are excessive.... say, after he comes home from work, he goes straight to the garage to work on his motorcycle and spends 3 hours every day doing so. Maybe ask him to reduce it to 1 hour a day... so he can have time to spend with her. But that is not fair to know it is his hobby and make him give it up.
same with his friends... maybe he is excessively with them so she can ask him to give up some of his friend time to be with her... but not to give them up completely.
likewise, she has to make compromises for him as well.
2007-05-25 03:44:45 · answer #4 · answered by Twizzle 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YES, YES, YES!!!! The only person that we can change is ourselves. We can never, ever change another person. She married him knowing who his friends were and what his hobbies were. She accepted them then, she should accept them now. If he gives up all his hobbies and all his friends (or leads her to believe he has), the man she married will no longer exist. If she wanted a different man, she should have married a different man. If she wanted to "mold" someone, she should have bought play dough.
2007-05-25 03:23:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, it's not. You can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. Who you are dating is the man you end up married to - that's what at least 18 mos to 2 years of dating is for!
2007-05-25 03:09:43 · answer #6 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no its not fair at all. you cant marry someone and tell them they have to do what you say. they had a life before you and should beable to keep that life. i would never ask my hubby to give up his friends they were in his life before i was. another thing you shouldnt of married someone that smoked if you didnt like it. my husband doesnt smoke, i wouldnt of married him if he did. you need to be more picky when looking for a man, dont settle for less than what you want in a man. i didnt and i got the perfect husband.
2007-05-25 03:11:32 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
yes. never make anybody give up a motorcycle. it's an outlet from the relationship. giving up smoking is just good for their health, so i can't say it's a bad thing. as far as changing them, no it's not right. you should accept the person for whom they are.
2007-05-25 03:18:14 · answer #8 · answered by richie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It absolutely will! He may do what she wants for a short time to try to please her, but eventually he will get sick of her telling him how to live his life!
She married him knowing these things, she should be ok with him doing it after marriage! She sounds like a control freak, and he will eventually leave her if she doesn't change her ways!!
2007-05-25 03:11:03 · answer #9 · answered by Kailey 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No it's not fair to do this to another person.
BUT - it's also absolutely NONE of your business.
It's called meddling on your part. You'd be wise to say nothing and mind your own business.
If your friend asks, tell her "Please don't involve me in your marital problems. I'm just not equipped professionally and emotionally to handle it. Perhaps you should both go to a marriage counselor.'
2007-05-25 03:28:27 · answer #10 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cant change a person. He/she is not going to be happy about it. Give up friends?? Hobbies??? This is not right!
2007-05-25 03:15:59 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋