What is your opinion on this poem? Do you know where I could get more feedback for writing?

Question

Whispers


They swing along the dancing water
Envelopped in its frothy gown
The endless whispers float and splatter
Reverse and forward, up and down

Same changing rythms never ending.
Curved spirals stretching for the shore
Stroke up the thirsty sand awaiting
For the soaked ground to unseal its core

Between the shore and restless ocean
The unceasing run to break apart
To feel the sand in standing motion
For one glimpse throbbing of the heart

Under the moonlight's gloomy painting
In endless flowing with the tide
The waves stroke up the sand awaiting.
When will the whisper die inside?

Thank you for the constructive feedback and advices :). I will check these websites you recommended.

to graceful G: thank you for recommendations, I'll have in mind the spelling of enveloped ;) As for the word 'stroke', I meant it as a synonim to the verb caress, used in present.

The poem is indeed a metaphor for the idea of keeping reaching for an ideal but never truly getting to catch it for real.

Answer 1

It's pretty good, you have written a real nice poem. I have no suggestions for you. I teach third year English Lit and creative writing part time, the poem would get a good grade from me. Keep writing, you have the gift.

Answer 2

It is a generally a thought-provoking poem but get the correct spelling for "enveloped" and tenses. delete 'changing' since 'rhythms' suggests it. Stroke is the also the past tense of strike. Hence, be certain which one best conveys your meaning.
The poem, in my view, is metaphorical, using a lot of tidal imagery to illustrate this central point: the expectant throbbing of the heart as one's feelings storms with momentous anxiety, implied in "one glimpse throbbing of the heart."
Where you could get more feedback? Right here if you are lucky enough not to get just the rather trite, uncritical "safer exit route" of "I like it," "It's good," "I can't write that" kind of comments!! You posted in the right/correct Answers section.


Good luck

Answer 3

I notice often that when one writes a poem and another reads it at times the person reading feels as though there reading about themselves yet the person who wrote it doesn't even know the reader exists. Thanks for writing something I can relate to on feeling sometimes. To me poetry is whatever you make of it. You have a very touching inspiring poem keep up the good work words are only what we make of them, say them with pride.

Answer 4

Beautiful!

I've never thought poetry was something that should really be critiqued. It's too personal, and it should be whatever you want it to be.

Yours was very descriptive, and had me envisioning the water moving in and out. I noticed that I was making wave-like movements with my mouse cursor. ;)

Check out www.experienceproject.com or www.xanga.com if you want people to read and comment. Just make sure you've got a thick skin!

Good luck!

Answer 5

Here is my opinion:
The poem will be tighter and have greater impact without the whole second stanza and the last line.
Try it , read it out loud and see if you like it.

With regards.

Answer 6

I think it's good. I'm a poet myself. Keep writing and publish it!!! The sites below you are able to publish, get reviews, give reviews and get ideas. Good Luck!

Answer 7

TAKE A LOOK AT COLERIDGE HE HAS INSPIRED ME THIS WEEK! Poetry Foundation.org The Lime-tree Bower my prison

Answer 8

yeah pretty good but would benefit from being shorter. Maybe this is two poems

Answer 9

Wow, that is really ,good. I'm not sure how else to put it.
I wish i could write like that...

Answer 10

writers cafe