should I invest my feelings on this little girl? I have three son's and I daugther that destiny gave me.......

Question

I have being married for 12 years and 8 years ago my husband had an affair that brought his daughter in to our lives, her mother was negletful in such manner that the little girl had being molested three times.. Courts decided she was in better care with us.. I steped in her life feeling that for some reason God only gave me sons, and I totally forgot she is not by birth my child, but sometimes she says things to me to hurt me.. things like she wants to hit me in the head with a hammer and get a pencil and poke my eyes out.. I took her to a therapist she is getting help for the things she went trough, by being the only girl we treat her like a princess, but the way she talks to me sometimes makes me afraid to continue to allowed my self to thinks she is mine, afraid of one day she might come out and say i hate you your not my mother.. my husband had another affair sense we had her and I was going to leave him.. she asked me to stay and because of her i did.
My heart is broken, need ad

need advice, I do love her so much, I feel that she was meant to be my child but when she tells me things like this..It really do hurt.
I Got angry at her when she told me she wanted to poke my eyes out. I told her I'm your mom who else take care of you? I would never let no one hurt you? You asked me to stay.. I was angry when I told her this.. I'm afraid my feelings for her could change, Im afraid to hold her and love her now. I don't know what to do.

Yes I know some of you think, that is weird and crazy that I stay with my husband.. Well I know that I need a plan B and it's in the making, Im going to school I told him that I would be here for the kids till they no longer need me, but I have plans for my life wich I know in my heart I'm going to make them real.. So I'm in school to get my education, my husband can do what ever he wants..His day will come, this is in the best interest of these three kids, they are the reason why I'm here when they get older they won't need me much and if i continued my studies it will be much easier to depend on my self later.. and I will be fine he doesn't treat me bad and he is a wonderful father this is why i can bare to stay with him till I know these kids are going to be fine, is my daugther that have me asking questions, because she is the main reason I'm here, I know what she is going trough, I my self was molested once when I was a child..I could not leave her,not even if my husband cheat.

it just hurts so much inside, because I gave my everything for her.. I guess I know she is hurting.. but I cant help but feeling hurt.

I also thinks she is angry because her mother refuse to see her, she cant have unsupervised visits by order of the court.. and her mother would not even give her a call.. i dial the phone so she can call her mother but her mom dont even answer her messages.. so no she is having no contact by her mother's choice with her..this is so sad to me.

I like to thank.. everyone for all your answers and comments, I wish I could pick all of your answers best.. But I did talk to my daughter, she came to me and apologize we hug and cried together.. we also discuss this with her therapist. We are going to be fine. Thanks to all of you. In my eyes all of you have ten points.. God bless you all.

Answer 1

You are her mother now. End of story. You love her and she knows this. Some of her anger issues may be due to being afraid you will abandon her just like her mother did. So, she is pushing your buttons. You need to assure her you will never leave her no matter what. That you love her and she is YOUR child now.
You should be sainted for loving the child in spite of your husbands affair. Most women would not even hear of it. So. I applaud you.
Things will get better with her. And at that age, she may want you to legally be her Mom now. So she knows you are hers.
Good luck.

Answer 2

I have to tell you how much I commend you for doing what you are doing. If my husband did this to me I would have thrown him out on his a***. You must really, really love this man and I hope he appreciates what you are doing. He made the mistake, you forgave him and now you are the one suffering thru this. It is going to be a long , hard road for you. This poor little child did not ask to be born - but here she is - she's been abused and neglected. She definitely has many problems but what scares me is how she says she is going to do physical harm to you. How is she with your boys? I don't have to tell you that she really needs lots of therapy. I hope you are going also because having to go thru this is torture. It takes time away from your own children and you have to spread yourself pretty thin. Does your husband at least help you? I was stepmom to a 12 year old girl who's mom abused her.Just like you - I tried so very hard to treat her like my own. I bought her clothes sent her to dancing school - everything I did for my own daughter. She did nothing but lie to me, tried to steal my jewelry and was running around with boys behind my back. Her mother had abandoned her - so I told my husband at the time to go get her(it was his only child) and bring her to us. It was a mistake because after all was said and done - she wanted nothing more than to be with her own mother. When she located her mom she went back to her. By the time she was 17 she had 2 children. She would tell me that I was not her mother and she did not have to listen to me or she would just stare at me like I was crazy when I would try to reach her. You can't take that personally - look at where it is coming from - a hurt and confused child. Do the best that you can but remember - you did not make the mess and sometimes no matter how hard you try it does not work out the way you want it too. Sometimes years later they realize- sometimes they don't. Don't lose your own children in this fiasco. They need to be protected too. And don't feel guilty if you decide you can't do it- once again you have other children. I will say a prayer for you- I hope it works out.

Answer 3

Wow, you have my sympathy.

The girl is definitely disturbed if she says those things to you. I hope that you stay on guard with her in case she ever decides to do what she has said. I think that's really scary to be honest with you.

As for your husband, I would have left. He had an affair before and you let him get away with it. You are raising the product of that affair when it's obvious the child has some truly dangerous issues. And now he decides well, if she went that far I can fool around again and she will forgive me this time too.

There comes a point where you have to stop living your life for others and live it so that you can be the best you that's possible. Being a doormat and a servant might not be it.

I sure wish you the best. Watch your back. Make sure if you have sex with your husband he uses a condom. I'd never trust him to be disease free again.

Answer 4

Ok retired elem teacher here, remember, put yourself in her shoes. Really, pretend you have gone thru what she has gone thru and if you resent her, kids read feelings 100% better than words. If you have ill feelings towards her she knows it no matter what you do. Abuse leads to hurt which leads to built up anger. She needs professional help, and if you truly can't do it, then you get counseling and see what works out best for everyone. We had a girl at school in the same situation, and the "step " mom was great, but as time went on the girl was just too much like her biological mom, and she floated away into that vast ugly world of her mom. Nature is way stronger than nurture, but do what is best for her even if it means finding her another home where your hubby can be her dad. Do what is best for all. I taught preschool and a few times a very angry kid would say "I hate you" and they don't really hate you, they are just hateful from anger, actually I'm going thru this at 56 because when my daughter dumped me when she got engaged, my heart broke and then it turned to huge inside anger when the hurt penetrated inward.

Answer 5

She is testing you. Lord knows what she was used to when she did something bad to her birth mother. You are the one who cares about her and she probably has a hard time with it. Obviously her birth mom allowed things to happen that no child should have to endure. She will come around when she sees that no matter what she says you still love her. She also may understand about your husband cheating and she is afraid of losing both of you like she lost her mom. Stay strong. Good luck

Answer 6

of course you should try and do what you can. She's going through a troubling time and is very guarded about who she lets into her life. She's most likely trying to protect herself on a emotional level. Try to find common interests and enjoy them together. The more she sees you as a friend, and less like "the enemy" the more she'll come around. Try to be her friend, before being a replacement for her mother.

Sorry to hear your husband did that to you. Honestly, I wouldn't have stayed. But life is what you make of it, and if you can make it work and be happy, then good for you.

Answer 7

I would like to know about your husband's feelings towards her. As a mum you probably have feelings for her but your husband has to play a part as well. She must be traumatised by what happened to her and maybe mixed emotions are bringing on this behaviour. Therapy should help but it may be a slow process and your hubby would need some advice too to get his act together.

Answer 8

argh this is a big problem. i think that the girl will love you and think of you as a mother. but at the same time she may be really hurtful. even if she says these horrible things, it doesnt mean that she doesnt need you. she said that she wanted you to stay, and shes been through a lot. i think you should persevere with her and keep loving her. with regards to your husband.. it sounds like hes not good enough for you. why does he keep having affairs? im not sure if its right for you to stay with him for your (adopted) daughter. your happiness is the most important thing. at the same time though, if you break up, it wont be good for the little girls emotional health. i worry that if you break up with your husband, the girl will blame you instead of her father, despite the fact that its not actually your fault. how old are your sons? could you talk to them about this? i would say you should try to stick to these things, if you can:

1. love the little girl as your own and stick by her, and try to work through her problems. she might say hurtful things, but it doesnt mean she doesnt love you. at least when shes old enough, she will appreciate you immensely for what youve done for her.

2. if your husband cheats on you again, you have to leave him. it sounds like youre trying really hard to do whats right, and thats important, so you deserve a good man! and if you stay with him for too long, you may find it harder to find another partner, if you want one. however, if you break up with him, try to keep your family as much together as possible. it wont be good for any of you (you, your husband, your daughter, and your sons), if you stop seeing eachother regularly. your children need to know that they are loved, whether you are with your husband or not.

i hope that helps a bit. also, remember that you have done the right thing all the way along, and if things dont work out, you are not to blame. its more likely to be the mother of the girl and/ or your husband who will cause the problems. i hope it works out for you

Answer 9

Mother is the name for God, on the lips and in the hearts of all children. You accepted her as your own when you took her into your life. Her own mother betrayed her and did not care for her as one would think a mother should. As a step parent, you are open to a lot of grief, but you have to remember to be there for them and to keep on loving them all the more.

My own stepson pushed very hard, not with violent threats, but it is her way of testing you. getting her help to deal with her outwardly verbal aggressive threats is a good idea. By hurting you, she can lash out at someone who cares about her while inside hoping and praying you don't abandon her the way her own mother did.

She's threatened by the thought of losing you and her dad as well. The breakup of your marriage to her father will make things all the harder, especially in a custody situation.

I wish I could offer you advice on how to handle your relationship with her father, but no matter what happens let her know you will do what you can for her and try to be there for her.

Answer 10

OK, I'm going to edit my answer because I feel for you! You have a very distressed step daughter & a husband that cheats on you constantly so that makes me believe he doesn't love you. Seriously, I think you need to walk with your three sons and leave this man with his daughter! I can't see this situation getting any better, can you? Your husband is always going to cheat on you because you take him back and HIS child has some real mental health issues that she's going to have to deal with. I'm not sure I could take this on board.

Either you and your husband seek marriage counseling & get a good psychiatrist for his (your) daughter or this is NEVER going to work!

I congratulate you for going back to school and getting yourself an education =)