Husband had affair but came back home only for his son's sake and does not love me?

Question

We will have been married for 12 years. I found out about his affair last year but it had been going on for a little more than a year. He broke up with her and he came back home. I thought it was to work things out but he says that its only for his son and he does not love me. He is keeping his options open to be looking. Sometimes I wonder if he sufferes from depression because he can be very hurtful. I love him and I want to make our marriage work but its just been only on my side. To make things worse, my dad past away a month ago. Right now the thought of kicking him out is more than I can deal with -- not to mention how bad I would look in my son's eyes (he's only 10). Part of me feels that he acts the way he does so that I will throw him out and he can blame me for the way things are. Also while my dad was sick, no one in my family knew or knows what I was going through. I don't believe in divorce and I feel that we could work it out. What should I do?

Answer 1

Whether you believe in divorce or not...do you want to continue living with a man who admits he doesn't love you? What kind of example are the 2 of you setting for the son...he would be old enough to see that his dad is not loving toward you, and that he cheats on you. You owe it to your son to give him a more stable life that what he has now. And you owe it to yourself to be happy and feel loved. If you stay with him, he may eventually bring home diseases that you don't want to get.

Answer 2

So in 8 years when you're son is 18 years old and legally an adult, you're husband will dump you anyway. Why are you choosing to prolong the inevitable and hurt yourself more? Why would you want to stay with a man who is clearly not in love with you anymore? You seriously need some therapy and to find some self-esteem. If you continue to be miserable with your life you will have nobody to blame but yourself. You know your marriage is on the rocks so why are you dealing with this? Marriages DO NOT work when only one person is trying to hold it together. You say you do not believe in divorce, so what is it then? You believe in staying in a fake shame of a marriage instead? I can't imagine that the two of you get along too well. How do you think your son feels about this? I have a 9 year old and I'm currently going through a divorce. My son is very hurt by all this but at least he won't be surrounded by two people who can't show him what a loving and caring relationship is. Your husband is Grade AA loser! I know you're hurt and the suffering is more than you can bear but you need to do this for yourself and your son. You are worthy of being with a man who loves you and only you. A man who will not cheat on you or make you feel like the dirt he walks on. And so what if you kick him out? He can blame you all he wants. HE has chosen for this marriage to end, the only thing you did was help him on his way out because he wasn't man enough to do it himself.

Answer 3

Dear lady, it breaks my heart but there isn't anything you can do if he no longer loves you. If that is true, there is nothing even HE can do about it. I am so sorry you had to go through losing your dad alone. I know you said you do not believe in divorce, but what is the option? Living the rest of your life in a loveless marriage? You surely can't believe in that either? That could only mean stress, pain, loneliness and all things sad and bad. I am going to say a prayer for you tonight. Everyone deserves to be loved- really loved. My parents stayed together for years for "my sake" and I've had to live with the quilt of the lost years of their lives. At 18, they divorced and it was a happy time for me- they became friends and LIKED one another again. Even a 10 year old will see you are not happy and that dad is the cause. He will certainly wonder why Dad treats him with love but not you- and this will be even more so as he experiences his own "first love" he will know your marriage is a phony and that will stress him more than splitting time between you. It certainly did me. Good Luck to you. :)

Answer 4

as hard as it may be, step back from the marriage for now... by that i mean, don't stop being a good wife, just spend more time focusing on taking care of you... be loving, be polite, ask for what you need and for what you'd like him to take care of without nagging... you can't make him love you, you can't make him want to be married... it seems that often once one partner makes up their mind that it's over, there's no turning back... consider counseling... believe that you can get through this no matter what happens... evaluate your marriage and see what you can do to make it more pleasant, warm, loving and desirable.... don't try and force him to talk about "the problems" or how you are feeling... he probably doesn't want to hear it... but if you somehow manage to pull yourself together, become stronger and more independent, you might become more desirable in his eyes... one great book i read while going through my divorce was, Love Must Be Tough, by James Dobson... it is Christian based and gave me hope, gave me an understanding and suggestions for how to take the baby steps i needed to get through the mess my life had become... it's hard, don't let anyone lead you to believe otherwise... keep your son's best interest at heart and know that he's hurting, too... children know when things are amiss in the home... focus on taking care of yourself, making your child feel safe and secure and keeping your home environment as warm and loving as possible... figure out what you can accept and what you can't... let your husband know your decision in a frank, open, and non-threatening tone... however, be ready for the consequences, in other words, don't make ultimatums, just let him know what you feel about what is happening and what you would like to see happen and that you're willing to work towards that end... don't nag him, don't belittle him, don't question his every move when he's not home the minute he gets off from work... go on with your life... good luck!!!

Answer 5

Hun I am really sorry to say this... but you know that you are pathetic don't you? What on earth makes a women stay in a relationship like this? I just don't get it. Do you really think that your child thinks all is well at home? Do you really think you are doing whats best for him by staying with this man? You say you are afraid of looking bad in your sons eyes... don't you know that you are teaching him that it is O.K for a man to treat a women like this? To not love her and only use her? He sees what your husband is doing to you and in his eyes you are weak! When he grows up he won't think - "hey thanx mom, for staying with someone who didn't love you"... No hun you know very well that what he sees while growing up is going to impact him forever. And the only thing he is seeing now is that it is perfectly alright for a women not be loved. He is going to think that it is normal and needs to be that way. Do you want to raise someone who will do to his wife what your husband is doing to you?

I realise with your dad and everything, things must be pretty hard on you, but that's no excuse to settle for second best. Even if you didn't have a son to think about - Damn It women, do it for yourself!!! You deserve better! Don't think you do, KNOW YOU DO! No decent man is going to take notice of you unless you believe within yourself that you are worth much more! You need to know and believe that you deserve better than this?

Answer 6

This is not a good place to find the answer to your question, Please seek expert marital guidance. If you think your marriage might still work thats half the battle won already, if your husband is suffering depression then he needs to get it fixed (again seek expert medical advice) before he will be capable of making rational decisions.
This is never an easy question at the best of times but good luck with your quest and i hope you get what your looking for and soon.
You would be surprised how resilient kids are, so think carefully about what is best for YOU before you leap sideways.

;) H

Answer 7

Counciling is always my first advice. If he wont go - go for youself to see how you should handle the situation. I also don't believe in divorce, but I don't think you should be miserable either. It's one thing if he came back to work things out, but it's another to be an jerk about it and make you unhappy!!! This is not your fault at all - and you need to remind yourself of that. It's also not good for your son to be in such a hostile situation. The both of you might be better parents to him apart!

Answer 8

Sweetie, he does not love you and coming back home for the sake of your son does not make it right. Children are smarter than we think and children do adjust more than we realize. My daughter has 3 children and although it was tough at first they are doing fine. Grandchildren's ages are 12,9,7. I realize that you do not believe in divorce, but you must look at it differently in your situation.You just cannot be in a marriage without love and respect and knowing that your life will never be complete. Even God would not expect you to live this way if it is because of religious reasons that you stay. This man has betrayed you and he is betraying his own son by being there with his mother and not loving her.This even makes it worse on your son because children are the first to pick up on their parents unhappiness around them! You have nothing to be ashamed of if you confront your family with what is truly going on in your home,I would not care at this point what anyone would think of me because you know the truth. Your son will understand more than you give him credit for and his father will still be in his life even if you filed for a divorce. Life with someone is not suppose to be that way and you do not need to cut yourself short for anyones sake! What your husband has done to you is wrong and it is even more wrong that he is still there emotionally abusing you. In all sincerity you need to talk with a counselor so that you will be given the proper guidance in your situation. Do not allow this man to tear down your last ounce of self worth and self esteem ......you have to find the strength and courage to stand up to him and not allow him to make you suffer like this. There is a whole world of people out there that would never treat you the way your husband is treating you. Do not let anyone treat your life like you don't matter and rip your feelings apart. Do not let this man sit inside your life untill something better comes along for him because he doesn't care for his family at all. He is very hurtfull and selfish and is only thinking about himself. He has belittled and degraded your life and what ever his problems are they are his and you do not own them. He is a cheater and you cannot trust him and to continue on with him for any reason is just no good. You cannot work something out with a man that has nothing to giveand you are wasting all your effort and time in vain.Do not accept so little in your life when you have so much to give who could care about the way you feel and could treat you like a person that matters. You are worth that to yourself and to your son for him to know and see you happy sweetie. Best wishes.

Answer 9

boo look he is using your child for his own securities,love hurts us bad,we dont know why its that way but it is.you love him and want it to work,i learned this the hard way,no matter how you conduct yourself around him he won't love you any,you are holding on to something god is tearing apart,this is a good thing because when he heal your wounds he will then place a gentleman in that place of that boy that think he's a man,your kid should never be the reason a man or woman stay,thats just his excuse because he has nowhere to go.good luck with your sperm donor.dont let him hurt you.

Answer 10

You must be strong and make him leave, because he is treating you very badly.
He may be depressed, but you are only trying to keep him for appearances.
You will never get over your other grief if you don't. Your boy will eventually understand and his father is a VERY selfish man.
You deserve so much more and if he is the right one for you he will be back on your terms.
I think you will end up not wanting HIM!
Good luck