How can I save my marriage?

Question

My wife joined the Army a month ago and left me and our daugther. The other day I was paying bills online I had to get into her email. In her email account I saw that her ex-boyfriend had been writing her so took a peep because I had felt really wierd about how much she talked to him on the phone when she was home. In the emails to him I found out that she thought that our daugter might be his and he thinks she might be his too. He asked her to get a paturnity test but she refused. She is also planing to get back with him when he gets back from Iraq. Though in the last email she said she was mad at him for not taking steps to leave his girl-friend. I've already taken the paturnity test but haven't gotten the resolets yet. I'm not sure I know what i'm going to do if I find out she is not mine. I've been a good father to her ever sense I got back from Iraq. Though I guess I wasn't the best husband. I feel like a fool. How do I tell my wife and still save my marriage?

Answer 1

I am SO sorry, but if she joined, she obviously knew you would be needing her accounts for things like bill pay, etc. So, I think it is very possible that she WANTED you to find these mails. Why would she not delete them or set up a whole new account to email him with if not? Doesn't add up.

What a man- any woman would be happy to have a husband as forgiving and brave. Even if you were not the best husband (unless you cheated) that gives her no right to cheat- marriage is WORK. Are you sure you want this one when a faithful lady out there somewhere wants only YOU? You could still be in the child's life if you wanted. If you are not the biological father, it might be best to walk away as you would heal just like any "lost' relationship and MAY not want to be saddled with that- respectful though it IS. Your soulmate could be around the corner and not want baggage. If only life came w/ a crystal ball

Answer 2

I must disagree with my answering colleague re: CA. There are presumptive things, BUT if she goes after you for child support, you have the right to request a paternity test. you'd better! they are the new geschtappo - they can and will take up to 60% of your check. They can and will suspend any license you have - car contractor - whatever. be VERY - EXTREMELY - M'F'IN careful with them.

"I guess I wasn't the best husband" that may be true, only you can answer that. But, I would ask you to consider... she is emailing him. You did not ask her to do that.

Which brings up my next point: Having been through a similar circumstance, I would tell her nothing and save marriage nada.

IF she wants to leave, she will. If you manage to stop her this time, she will only do it again later.

And don't forget - the longer the marriage goes on, the wider the window for her to ask for alimony.

I can tell this will kill you, you obviously give a crap. I don't think she does. But I tell you honestly... Open this wound, POUR the alcohol into it, tolerate the pain as best you can. The longer you let this fester, the more of the limb will have to be amputated later.

"I'm sorry about that, kiddo, I surely am."

Answer 3

First of all, let me wish you the best in this situation. This is going to be very tricky because she will feel betrayed that you opened and read her email which she would consider private, however she should not have left it for you to find unless she wanted you to find it. This is going to take some intervention, I feel, by a professional, but since you have only part of the story, you need to give her the chance to tell you herself. The two of you need to sit down as soon as you can and have a heart to heart talk with no screaming, yelling or name calling (which accomplishes nothing) and then the two of you need to decide what you both want and what is best for the three of you. Sometimes just getting the "dirty laundry" out into the open air is enough to get the problem resolved. You also have to face the possibility that you may not be able to save your marriage. Do get some professional help now even before she gets back. It will help you to handle the whole thing better.

Answer 4

You don't need to "educate" her as if she is a dog!!! first of all, your current situation must me the consequence of something... what has been happening between you two?? haven't you tried to consider that she must be even less satisfied than you are?? you are thinking just about "fingering" and stuff like that when maybe the source of the problem is communication?, empathy? and understanding??? anything else Beyond the mere sexual act? And don't even try to take this situation as an excuse and cheat on your wife now!! That would very selfish and even immature for a man of your age... Try to listen what she has to say and DON'T JUDGE her of having traditional thoughts... im sure there's a lot to save in in your marriage, even more after 22 years!!!!! Good luck and sorry If I spoke strongly but men sometimes are so thoughtless....

Answer 5

First things first. Wait for the results of the paternity test before making any decision. The result will give you an idea how you will proceed.

If the result says the child is not yours would you adopt the child and preserve your marriage or will you divorce her? You will have to make that decision.

On the other hand, if the result says the child is yours you have two options. Divorce her and share custody of the child or preserve the marriage knowing that your wife has been unfaithful to you? If you decide to preserve the marriage and your wife agrees with you what guarantees do you have that she will keep her part of the bargain? You and your wife will probably need counseling if you take this course of action.

I really feel sorry for what has happened to you. If you are a church going person I suggest you talk to your pastor or priest about your problem. I am sure they will be able to help you.

God bless!

Answer 6

Sounds like you're walking on eggshells right now about how to approach your wife. Personally if I was you I'd be so pissed I'd be ready for a shouting match. But I know, that's not going to solve anything. It probably wasn't a good thing to snoop through her e-mail, BUT don't let her turn it on you either! The fact of the matter is, yes it was wrong of you to violate her privacy but what was worse is the information you found. She is wrong on so many levels. This marriage is NOT worth salvaging. I know that's probably not what you want to hear but why would you want to stay married to an unfaithful, deceitful, and lying woman? I know you say you werent the best husband but don't blame yourself, regardless, two wrongs don't make a right. Let me give you some good, sound advice. Divorce this woman. Especially if you find out this child isn't yours. Trust is a big issue in a relationship and it sounds like you're marriage is lacking in that department. If the child is yours it's totally up to you if you want to try to salvage this relationship, but if she already has plans to go back with the ex, dude dont' bother. Save yourself some real hardship. Nothing sucks more than trying to make someone love you. You will feel like crap and your self-esteem will be knocked in the dirt, stomped on and kicked around if it hasn't been already. Don't try to save it. It never works when one person is doing all the work.

Answer 7

Don't take this the wrong way but why does it take losing someone to realize what you had.You said you could have been a better husband to your wife.No matter what you did or didn't do she was wrong for cheating on you and letting you think the baby was your.You must really love your wife because it's unusual for a husband to want a wife after finding out she has cheated on him. If you can get her back
it will be the hardest thing you will ever do.Trying to get the pictures out of your head of them together is next to impossible.It's been 10 years for me and they are still in my head along with everything else.

Answer 8

First of all, love the kid as you have. No matter what the result of the test is. She's involved, but she did not contribute to the situation. Do you really wanna save the marriage? It seems your wife has already decided to get back with her Ex. A Second chance is in order. But that is if she wants it. Also, ask yourself could you trust her completely again. If not, you could go through life thinking "Is she doing it again?".

Answer 9

I am sorry to hear of your situation but hey there is a way out.

If u realy want to save your marriage, for starters - never let her know u peeped into her email cuz it will break her trust in u and will give her a chance at pointing her fingers at u and probably she may be the one to win even if she is wrong. In this info it seems she has betrayed u, partly bcuz of your fault,
but since u want to save your marriage, you can approach her and let her know that u are sincerely sorry for not being there for her and that u will now make sure u will be there for her, and for god's sake keep your promise.

For your daughter even after the paternity test u know she is not yours, will be a bit difficult to get over with, but think about it this way, u dont wan to break her little heart and for her sake u will live with it and try to forget about it. All the best and take care

Answer 10

well first and foremost you are the only daddy your child knows so dont treat the child differntly for the mistakes of her mother and if shes going to leave there isnt too much you can do for one shes lieing to you and doesnt have enough respect for you to either end the relationship before beging a new one or trying to make the one she has work a few things you may think about and try though is maybe she doesnt feel special send her a rose a fake one ofcourse it would die in the mail onthe way to iraq tell her she is special to you if nothing else she will feel guilty for the lies she has told and the alternate life she is liveing you may also ask her what is missing in your relationship what ever it is try to fix it if all else fails remeber your daughter only has one daddy thats YOU no matter what the test says