i just got back from a deployment three weeks ago....this isn't my first deployment?

Question

however this time around my wife seems so distant from me.....i know its common i see this sort of thing all the time with other families...but i can't even get her to talk to me nothing...we have been together since junior high...although im trying to think positive my heart can't help but feel that this time around deployment was too hard for her to deal with.....is there anything any of you would suggest in trying to make this work before its too late to save?

we have been married for 12 years this year....im 29 and she is 28...we got married and started a family young...we have always been able to express out feelings thats why this time around im really worried...its not like we are teens married only for a few months or couple of years...

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you. These lengthy deployments are very difficult for everyone involved.

When I was married my husband worked about 12 hours a day as a recruiter. Essentially, I learned to be a single parent. I took care of the house and finances on my own. I went to college, raised the kids, did everything a single mom would do. I had my household running really well. He was never home during daylight hours on weekdays, he was only home in the evening and on Sundays. Although he was a part of the household, it got to the point where I didn't need him for it to run well. In fact, the household ran better when he wasn't there, sad to say. Unfortunately, we began to resent each other, and the problems escalated from there.

I realize this is different than your situation, since you were deployed. However, is it possible that she has become accustomed to being without you?

When military leadership talks about the readjustment period after a deployment, they usually talk about the soldier. Remember that the family needs to readjust as well. Everyone in the household had to adjust to your deployment, and they did just that. Now everyone must adjust to the changes again.

Can you talk to someone in your command or to the base chaplain about this? Also, there are counseling services available for returning soldiers. Use these services. Ask her to go with you. If she won't, go without her. At least she will see that this is important to you.

When the kids are put to bed and things are quiet, maybe you should try to ask what's on her mind. Tell her you understand that things are different but that you want to work through this. Let her know that you love her.

Best of luck to you. And, by the way, thank you for your service. :)

Answer 2

Well, deployment can be frustrating and hard on a spouse but being that she know the routine already she should not be acting this way towards you. You are in the military and deploying is part of your duties... she should be more considerate of your feelings because she doesn't know what you are going through during your deployment. I would suggest that you continue to try and talk to her about the situation and if she still doesn't respond... then, you need to decide if it is worth trying to save. I am prior military also and so was my son's father so I know how you feel but you need to gather your thoughts as well because even though you may not want to consider that she may be involved with someone else or just being selfish... you may have to come to terms with the fact that there may not be anything left to save. I know that you love your wife but you also have to decide if you can continue to handle her behavior in this situation... Good Luck!!!

Answer 3

Well. first of all, I want to say that I am glad that you made it back safely.
As for you and your wife, you didn't state how long you'll have been married. You also don't state your age or her age. I would still try to talk to her first. If this doesn't work, try talking to her parents. Many times women will talk to a particular parent about problems in their lives. Hopefully her parent or parents can give you a clue as to what is on her mind. You also might try talking to her friends, perhaps they can help you.
You might try a marriage councelor. If she is not willing to go, go alone. You need to figure out if you are better off with her or without her. Being married and miserable is not worth it.
The other thing that you didn't mention were children. I know that that is another complication - but you need to be happy with whatever decision you make

Answer 4

I'm so sorry. Ugh. My husband is in the Marine corps. All of our friends have been deployed twice. My husband was injured last time or he would be deploying AGAIN with them in July... basically, I know what you are going through... Except from the other point of view. Obiviously, being gone that long can make things really weird. You two change so much in the mean time, and learn how to live apart from each other. Wether or not it is a serious thing... maybe you should try going to some counseling. I mean, try to talk to her yourself. Tell her you feel like she is being distant but if that doesn't work, definately suggest couseling. If you don't believe in stuff like that then suggest to go out and do things with her. Go out to dinner, go see a movie, go to the beach, go to the park.... anything to get you two talking about SOMETHING. If you can cook, why don't you try to cook dinner for her one night and set up the dinner table and eat there one night. Just start talking about stuff. It will get better. Thank you for what you do for our country... It's very much appreciated. Welcome back!!

Answer 5

When my husband was in the navy,his work was in the ship and they goes out 6 months a year. We write each days and all,but when he comes home I felt like I'm looking at a stranger. For a while it never bothers me but a few times I just can't handle it anymore,esp. having 3 kids.
I thinks its normal to act like what your wife is doing, she's distant from you because she don't know how to act. Like what others says here,give her time and distance. and most of all talk to her and re assure her that your job will not be that way all the time. Us women who is married to a military personnel do face the fact that we can't have our own way when it comes to having a normal life. Just have a little bit more patience and get close to her once again like when the two of your first started............and if you can do this,you'll see that she only feels insecure and not having you in her heart. its really hard to compete when it comes to military. just talk and follow your heart.........

Answer 6

I can kinda relate to the way your wife is acting because my husband is gone all week, every week minimum b/c he drives a truck over the road. In order to adjust to his absence I had to develop my own way of living and dealing with daily life and when he comes home I do find it hard to connect with him. I almost feel invaded by his presence. What helps me is when my husband continually tells me how much he misses me and reassures me that it won't be like this forever. It's a tough situation and I go through ups and downs, but ultimately I know he is doing this for our family. When I'm upset about him being gone it always helps me to be more understanding when he tells me that he isn't doing this just for himself, but for all of us. Good Luck and Best Wishes :)

Answer 7

Give her a little time & space. If she doesn't come around in another couple of weeks, ask her to PLEASE attend some counseling with you at FSC (Family Service Center). Try to be as helpful around the house as possible. Maybe there were things that went on that she's reluctant to tell you about, and it will just take some time.

I wish you both the best.

Answer 8

Military life is tough on a marriage, it takes a special woman to be able handle the moving, the separation, and etc.
The best thing you can do is try to get her to be more open with you --communications are critical in all marriages.
Tell her you need her to be honest, and communicate with you.
You are a man and can take whatever she has to says, even if what she tells you hurt.

Answer 9

Talk to your wife. This seems to be hard on both of you and she is the only one that can help you out with how she is feeling and whether or not it's worth saving.