my husband, who cheated on me by having an almost one year affair, absolutely refuses to go to counseling to deal with it. He says that he is trying to get it together by going to church every week, which is great, but i still feel the need to discuss our problems with a counselor. He refuses to go, and refuses to talk about the affair any more. Everytime I bring up the affair and suggest we go to counseling, he walks out of the room or leaves the house, or hangs up on me. I have brought up the fact that we need to go to counseling every month for the past year, and everytime, he cuts me off. Should i just get a divorce? I've even explained to him how he makes me feel when he cuts me off, and yet he keeps doing it. I've brought up divorce and that still doesnt make him want to go to counseling. I feel worse after i try to talk to him, because i just feel like he will not budge. We havent talked for the past 4 days because of me bringing up the counseling again. I feel like im begging.
2007-05-24 12:07:46 · 38 answers · asked by eliza l 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Get counselling for yourself. You obviously need it. And if you plan on staying with your husband, you are going to have to move past it.
Your husband has been sending clear signals with his behaviour, that YOU will have to be the one that changes to make the marriage work. If the marriage is salvageable, then counselling for yourself to allow you to vent your feelings is a must have.
Personally, I wouldn't hold out much hope for your marriage. Your husband is sending clear signals that he doesn't look upon what he did as wrong, and will always refuse to discuss it with you. It means that he does not value you or the marriage. I really think it would be in your best interests to seek that counselling for yourself, so you can move on with your life, and leave your emotionally absent husband behind.
I also thoroughly object to some people blaming you for not "providing the things in your marriage that made your husband cheat". This is a completely erroneous statement. Husbands cheat because they decide that the person they want is worth lying to their wife and families for. It is not because they are not finding emotional support or physical release at home. It is just because they can and THEY WANT TO. End of story.
Don't take any of the blame for this on yourself. We all make choices in our lives every day. Some of those possibilities will be detrimental to our marriages. Most of us choose not to betray our spouses. Your husband chose differently.
2007-05-24 12:16:39 · answer #1 · answered by Anastasia 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
At this point you are. The thing is if you decided to take him back and forgive him, you have got to stop bringing it up all of the time. If not, you are just pushing him away and he is shutting down. Counseling would be the best idea, but if he won't go with you, you should still go yourself and try to get yourself some help in dealing with your feelings. He isn't being fair to you but he isn't going to change his mind if he hasn't in a year. Since he's into church now, maybe he would be willing to talk to a church counselor or Pastor that he trusts. If not, like I said, if you are going to try to work it out, stop bringing it up, go get some counseling for yourself and then you will be able to think clearer and make a better decision that you can feel confidant in. Don't let this tear you up. Just because he won't talk to anyone about it, doesn't mean that you shouldn't. Getting out your feelings and having someone to talk to about it will help you alot! I've been there! Good luck to you.
2007-05-24 12:27:16 · answer #2 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know what, Girl? He's making it perfectly clear that he does not care WHAT you need, the same way he didn't care about you when he was cheating on you. Someone that did care would bend over backwards and jump through a million hoops if they loved you and wanted to get past the affair. He is NOT dealing with it. He probably thinks you should just forget about it. Sure he does. HE wasn't on the receiving end of it. And by the way, in most religions, GOD permits you to divorce on the grounds of fornication. I say if he cares so little about you to get some stinking counseling after HE did so much damage to the marriage, then yes, I'd walk. It's totally up to you, but you need to realize that he's made it clear where HE stands, now where do YOU stand?!?!?! Do you want to stay with someone with so little concern and respect for you? I think you deserve more, and can do a LOT better, and if he's not willing to work at this, then let him ride out on the horse he rode in on!
2007-05-24 12:13:21 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I speak from experience. You'll attract emotionally unavailable people if you are even one of these: If you've been abused, grown up with an emotionally unavailable parent or parents, lack self-esteem, are going through an emotionally vulnerable time in your life, are a romantic, blame yourself rather than others, are empathetic, second guess yourself, unselfish, trusting, naive, like to help others or have a caretaking nature, think love and compassion have the power to change all people, and are determinedly committed to make your relationship(s) work.
Please consider this: No matter what the categorization of the emotionally unavailable person or people in your life and no matter what the approach, they are not capable of change because the person they are causes them to be incapable of change.
Cut them out of your life and never allow them to come back into your life. Yes, this seems cruel but you will never become a whole person if you continue to associate with them. You have work to do on yourself because you wouldn't allow these people in your life if you didn't have work to do on yourself.
Associating with them is causing you to feel guilty, confused, sad, mistrustful, unsure, afraid, frustrated, anxious, betrayed, hurt, demeaned, powerless, paranoid. You must stop beating yourself up. You must stop beating your head against a brick wall. Their continued association can affect you to the point of destroying you to the point where you have no resources.
Please get out while you can.
2013-12-20 05:53:16 · answer #4 · answered by Tim L 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Before you file for divorce, why not try going to a therapist or counselor on your own to talk about your feelings? Since your spouse will not budge, you need to talk to someone and decide for yourself how you feel and what you want to do. If after some soul searching you realize being alone is better than being with him, I say dump him.
Did he ever apologize or explain why he did what he did?
It sounds like there's a serious underlying lack of respect going on here from his end towards you.
It sounds like he has no remorse , no empathy for your feelings, which I am sure he destroyed.
2007-05-24 12:15:07 · answer #5 · answered by pola 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't want to talk about it. If you were to go to counseling, then it would come up in therapy. What do you think would happen? He'll walk out of the room. Therapy only works if the person wants to talk about issues that need to be addressed. So, to think of going to therapy right now is a waste of time.
You married for better or for worse. This is the for worse part. You'll live through it. Some wounds take longer to heal than other wounds. Don't be a weak spouse and give up so fast. If he gave up, he'd of stayed with the affair. So, give it time. Give him support. Find out what he needs that you weren't providing him that caused him to seek an affair in the first place.
Best of luck to you.
2007-05-24 12:15:20 · answer #6 · answered by Zeltar 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Call his bluff. Suggest that you go to a counselor at the church he is attending. If he still won't budge you will have to look long and hard at separating. It seems that he has already emotionally divorced you.
I have been there Miss, and it hurts. I kept thinking it would get better and it never did. 7 years after the emotional "divorce" we file for real thing.
2007-05-24 12:14:21 · answer #7 · answered by TOM K 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I really honestly think the marriage is over. I know that is probably not what you want to hear, but if he is not willing to work things out with you, he does not want to be there. He is the one who strayed and if he was truly sorry and truly wanted to work things out, he would be begging you not you begging him. You have to understand that it is his fault he cheated not yours. So please do not blame yourself, but life is too short to hang on to something that causes so much grief. Marriage is suppose to make life easier for each other not more difficult. Both people need to be willing to go to counselling in order for there to be a chance. You even stated that he is emotionally unavailable. I don't think any amount of counselling can change that. My advice would be to leave him and figure out for yourself what it is you want out of life. You deserve so much more than what that man has shown you.
2007-05-24 12:26:37 · answer #8 · answered by CARM 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Animal Crossing City Folk Friend Codes?
2016-07-05 10:27:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is the third time you ask the same question, Eliza.
People have said tons of things to you, yet you still continue in the same place.
NO ONE will make your husband go to therapy.
HE will only go if he wants to ...and he doesn't want to.
Only you can decide if you want to continue living like this...And it sounds like you do.
You are the one who needs therapy, not him.
He's a cheater- and you are still with him. So that means you need help because you have a low self-esteem.
2007-05-24 12:34:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋