Help - Married almost 20 years and I have no sexual passion and he knows it and doesnt enjoy either?

Question

We are good friends to each other and he even agreed that our sex life wasn't good throughout our marriage. Said he should have left after one year but wanted kids. Keeps telling me he loves me but needs sex. He knew before we got married that I didn't really enjoy it but thought I would change. We have been to counseling but he doesn't like to go so no more. He told me the other day he is unhappy and needs to feel like a man. When I do have sex he says I am not into it and he can tell so I feel like damn if I do or don't. He said maybe we need to separate then the next day says he loves me and I should try harder. I love him as a friend also. He doesn't want a roomate. We have 2 kids - 16 and almost 18. He is 43 and I am 40. He brings this up it seems like every year around his birthday. This time he says its for real but he doesn't want to leave cuz he loves me. Any suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

Answer 1

You should really try talking to your gynecologist about this because it could be something health wise that you need to fix. It sounds like your hormones are out of whack and have been for years. Not only do you need to do this because of your marriage but for yourself as well. You don't know what you're missing to actually enjoy sex. Do you really want to lose the man that you consider to be such good friends w/? It sounds like you all have it working in all dept. except this one. So maybe the gyn. would have some suggestions or maybe some estrogen they could put you on? It sounds like he really loves you but is just sexually frustrated. He really is trying to make things work and it don't sound like he's trying to go elsewhere for sex so that is a good thing. He wants to leave because he really feels like he's missing out on sex, which is a very big part of a relationship (although not everything). He tries to leave you so that he can enjoy a healthy sex life but everytime he tries, he just can't. do you know why? He can't imagine life without you. He loves you. He don't want to just have sex with some other woman. He WANTS to MAKE LOVE to his wife. Could you maybe think about it like that and realize that he lovs you and try to be open to it? Relax and you will enjoy it more, I promise. I hope all goes well with you and your family. I hate to see you all give up on your marriage when you are so strong in other ways. Get help with this and stick it out. You two really love each other! :) That is a rare thing in America today so be happy...

Answer 2

I don't know if you are a Christian woman or not, but you are supposed to be there for your husband, and vice versa if you so desire,..if you are...Maybe you both need a little vacation in a different environment, and both agree to try as hard as you can to make things right. It is really hard, when one of you just for whatever reason isn't into it..are you not into it because of him doing something wrong? did he cheat on you in the past? Find out why you aren't responding to him, and be honest about it with him...I think that communication is so important, and you do want to keep him happy, so he doesn't get tempted to look elsewhere,...not that I am condoning it, because it is a two way street, and you would have to be understanding if it was him that wasn't really into it...he probably feels like he isn't worthy, and you probably feel the same way for whatever reason...after twenty years ..you need to put some magic back in the relationship...if you love him, you must try to rekindle a flame, and maybe if you go to a romantic spot with out the kids in the picture, and have a little champagne, things will liven up. Regardless, I hope you both get it worked out...an old Italian woman once told me, marriage is not fifty fifty, it is a hundred hundred...and I never for got that..

Answer 3

I feel sorry for the both of you...

for you, because you don't enjoy having sex... why is that? did something happen to you when you were younger that made you hate it? or Were you brought up hearing that sex is a sin, sex is dirty, you are a wh#$e if you have sex (before marriage), but didn't hear enough that sex is beautiful between a husband and wife? Some people do end up only viewing sex as something only to conceive and feel guilty having sex otherwise because they were told so many times that sex is a dirty thing.

Even though your husband is not feeling like going to counseling anymore, I think you should still go on your own... maybe if your therapist is helping you to relax your attitude about sex, or help you heal some past trauma you suffered that made you hate sex.... then you can convince your husband to start attending with you also.

For him:

You say you feel like "damn if I do or don't" .. .but you know, if you aren't being a good actress on the times that you do give your husband sex, it isn't a good feeling if you are just "tolerating" the act. If you are just laying there letting him have it but your mind is elsewhere that would just feel like having sex with a pillow. That is probably why he ends up not enjoying it because he feels bad that you are just tolerating it and it is obvious.

You know, couples have to make lots of compromises in a marriage... and when it comes to sex, your husband has had to compromise a lot by not having a wife who enjoys sex. Do you make an effort to compromise with him and at least act like you want to have sex, and are enjoying it when he is having sex with you? That means like you surprising him by coming onto him yourself and pretending to be really enjoying it? Or when he comes onto you light up your eyes and look excited?

I don't know how many times a month you are having sex, but say you are only having it like once a month, can you make an effort to try to have it happen twice in a month? then slowly make it more and more... to where you can have it like once a week? I don't know how many times a month would make your husband happy, but I have a feeling if he knows you are making an effort, he will appreciate it and it will make him feel more satisfied in this area.

but no matter what, I think you need to work on the reason why you are unable to enjoy or want sex with a therapist on your own.... then after some time maybe your husband can consider going also.

Answer 4

Its a shame when 2 people realise they are nothing more than sharing a home and kids and all the real love has gone. I dont know what you should do but I was in a situation not unlike yours except there wasnt any children to consider but I got out and now I am happier than I have been in years. dont waste your life if you are unhappy leave and maybe you could both find happiness else where

Answer 5

i feel for you here. theres a few diff things you can do.
1) yoga good for any age/body type
2)sex therapist
3)move on

there are plenty of couples in the world who get divorced and have better friendships/relationships after an official declaration of seperation. maybe if theres is a seperation or even divorce it would free yo uup to try new things with new people, both of you, either that or given any amount of time and a certain amount of openmindedness you will gravitate towards eachother again either as friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, or you may find a happy medium that pleases both of you... i have an aunt that was remarried to the same man 4 times in her lifetime she never loved anyone more than him, their problems stemmed to many things one of which was a sexual tension... sex therapist cured that one right quick. lol but before giving up try a sex therapist even if it doesnt mend the partnership entirely, it will help elliviate some tensions. who knows, you may learna thing or 2 that will make your next relationship more stable, one thing leading to another that partner could teach you more yet. if it comes down to leavin them to go back to yoru husband you'll hav ethis new information....openmindedness is key to keeping desire at a peak.

Answer 6

Being constantly rejected by your mate in bed doesn't exactly make a man feel very wanted. It can build a lot of frustration and deep seated resentment when you only get it after putting up a fight and there is never any initiation from your partner.

It sounds like around his birthday he takes stock of his life and it seems like the lack of passion and intimacy is the biggest dissapointment in his life.

I would recommend either getting really good at faking it and just getting it done a few times a week with him, or if you don't love him enough or can't bring yourself to do this to set him free and try to work out your divorce amicably.

Answer 7

Well, tell him that if you are going to commit to making an effort, he needs to be supportive of that. No criticism, just encouragement. There are a lot of books available on sex. I would reccomend that you go to the book store and pick out a couple and maybe try to figure out what turns you on. There are also instructional DVDs available that might unlock some doors for you.

For me, getting in the mood isn't always easy and my husband doesn't really know what he needs to do to get me there. For that reason I would reccomend your husband watch the DVDs with you and/or read some books too. This might encourage a good discussion about what might be enjoyable to each of you. You could spend one night trying to figure out what is best for you... and another focused on his pleasure.

A final thought... don't feel guilted into this. Do it for yourself or don't do it. He could just be trying to find something to complain about and will always create a problem no matter what you are doing.

Answer 8

Tell him this: you can drag a horse to water but you can't make them play the piano. This sounds like a very sad story. I have one that is worse. For one thing: to you wife, learn to like it. Husband: learn to accept she is trying to like it. Actually, I answered this because I wasn't sure I didn't write it. Married 18 yrs June 12. Lots of great sex until...he was injured, then I got breast cancer, then menopause, sometime in the middle of all of that he completely lost interest. And I was as horney as a two peckered billy goat. Then I went dormant as well, they say it's the menopause. I don't know what to do, he doesn't either. It's real quiet around here. Before you end up in divorce court only to find that sex does not make the marriage try again. What does he expect you to do, jump up on the ceiling?? Ask him. Actresses learn to do it with everyone in hollywood, I think you can learn to do it with your husband. And start slow, get yourself in the mood, whatever that entails, for me, it's candles, a hot bath, a nightie, and him. Sex is not all anyone is about. Unless you are animals. I would imagine tho, if my husband told me I was lousy for 20 yrs I wouldn't get hot everytime I saw him. So, I say it's back to therapy.

Answer 9

Take care of yourself and make yourself very desirable. Then tease the heck out of him!

Everyone wants what they can't have.

I would even suggest flirting with someone in front of him. Maybe he likes angry sex. Maybe you have been just too willing and easy to please him. Give him the challange he is looking for. Play hard to get.

Hey 40 is a fun age! I can not wait to get there!

You can be really sexy and 40! It is all about the attitude. Think you are sexy and you are sexy.

I have a friend who weighs over 250 lbs. ! She thinks that she is so sexy! You know what? She really is!

I hope that I helped. Have fun with it!

Answer 10

That is a long time to be with someone, but if you love him you have to try hard. marriage is not easy (I'm sure you know that). Try different things (skimpy nighty in his favorite color), surprise him in the shower or ask if he wants to join you, have sex in different place at different times of the day. Most importantly talk to him. If there is something that is affecting yours or his drive/desire let each other know how they can help.