How compromising/accepting should you be in a relationship?

Question

How far and with what kind of aspects do you fluxuate with? I was raised told that no one is perfect, and that all relationships need work to survive. So is there "the one"? I will, and have, gone out with anybody I'm attracted to. The rest I deal with through patience and understanding. One thing I'm let down on is that my current gf doesn't really stimulate me intellectually. Where is the line when coping with this? It can't be changed basically bc it is her personality; but on which things do you decide to work with and to not work with? I love her to death, but in this aspect it is killing me bc we are talking (she) marriage. I feel too bad hurting anyone. I love her so much. She is so sweet and good-hearted.

Answer 1

You have to figure out if this is something that you can live with for the rest of your life. Maybe you can get intellectual stimulation elsewhere, such as friends or Yahoo Answers.

If you feel she wouldn't make a good wife, you need to tell her. Don't try to spare her feelings. It's better for her to find out now rather than a few years down the road after the wedding and a couple of children.

Answer 2

Of course there is "the one"--but it DOES require hard work to make it work.

First I would listen to yourself. Is this someone you could live with? Why or why not?

Remember that you can change habits but not personalities. If she doesn't spur your mind with intelligence, then that will never change.

Next, talk to her. Expalin where you are at. Communicate is a HUGE part of a relationship.

I'm sure you love her, because if you can't see getting married to her, then you need to tell her. Even if you feel bad hurting anyone, SOMEONE is going to get hurt.

It sounds like you KNOW that she makes a better friend than a wife, but you need to tell her that. Love would mean making the right decision for YOU. If you can't love yourself and decide for yourself what will make you happy, then you are going to dig yourself into a deep hole you don't want to be in.

Answer 3

How far you go in accepting certain aspects of another person really depends only on you. Yes, no one is perfect; but there's such a thing as being more compatible or less compatible. You kinda have to figure out (sometimes by trial and error, sometimes through soul-searching and pondering these questions - or, all of the above) which aspects are extremely important to you, and lack of which you can accept. I personally feel that intellectual compatibility is VERY important. I can overlook certain "deficiencies" in a partner who is intellectually stimulating. However, this is what works for me; for others, sexual compatibility might be more important, and they will be willing to accept a partner who is not particularly intelligent, but who is good in bed. And so on. I sense that your relationship doesn't feel right to you. You need to trust your gut feeling. There are plenty of wonderfull good-hearted people out there who are just not right for you. I don't believe there's "THE one", but I do feel that there's a range of people each one of us is more or less compatible with - and many people fall outside this range.

My ex-husband is an outgoing and charismatic guy who is always the life of the party, who loves to help people, and who's not afraid to stand up for his loved ones. Intellectually, however, we have always been very different. I think, it was one of the factors that contributed to our marriage not working out. We are still in touch 6 years after our divorce; he is a great person whom I enjoy having in my life, and to whom I could turn in times of need - we just couldn't be a husband and wife.

The person I am married to now is a great match for me in many ways. I never get bored with him - he is insatiably curious about the world around us, and we tackle a range of subjects in our conversations. I imagine, some women would have a hard time with a guy like him - he is not "romantic", he doesn't shower me with compliments or bring flowers. So, if this was something I was looking for - I wouldn't get it with him. Luckily, this aspect isn't important for me. I dunno, I just follow my instincts on what I can live with, and what is too important to "settle" on. I would put forth a guess that if after two years you still feel uncomfortable with the situation - it is probably not the right person for you. Consider that the longer you stay in a dead-end relationship, the more you're hurting yourself and the other person. The fact that you "don't want to hurt" someone should not be the deciding factor of whether to remain in a relationship.

Answer 4

That's a tough one. Personally I would find it very hard to be with someone who did not stimulate me intellectually, at least long term. If you see it as an issue now, it may become a chasm later on. I think one of the most attractive qualities in a mate is someone who can make you think about things differently and question your own opinions. It is also said that the most important erogenous zone is in fact the brain. Someone can stimulate you by their physical beauty, but that is only temporary. When you fall in love with someones brain...well, let me tell you - you fall very hard.

Figure out what qualities are important to you, and don't compromise. You may regret it later on in life.

Answer 5

mmm....dont commit if you have doubts...having someone stimulate mentally is more sexier than any hot girl...physical stimulation is momentary but mental will keep and last a relationship longer...i've read this statement: "marry someone you enjoy having conversations with" you are not going to be in love ALL the time...you need a friend that will make you laugh, challenge you to think, inspire you to be better, someone you can learn from, she doesnt have to be Einstein but someone who has interesting things to say and how she say's them...make sure she is animated and passionate about what she believes and talks about...a simple monotone tone of voice will also be bad...i know this sounds like the perfect girl ! you may or may not get all of these qualities but start with finding someone that you can talk for more than a couple of minutes..if you can spend over an hour talking to her and still be interested in getting into new conversations then this is the type of girl that will make you more fullfilled and happy in your life...but if you really want to give this "current" love of yours a chance then i would suggest working on the relationship by either giving her stuff to read, watch on TV, DVD's etc...inform her, an informed mind is a smart mind, that way she will have stuff to talk about with you...so start off with that and see how it goes...if you think it wont work out then be honest with her about your feelings and tell her not too get too attached or be looking too much into the future because you are not ready and want to keep living a single life....if you are not 65 years old and dying tomorrow, keep living life with a positive attitude and have faith that the right girl will come your way...just be ready to recognize her and keep her !

Good luck...any more suggestions, feel free to email me...

Answer 6

Just remember this is the rest of your life you are talking about. You really need to ask yourself if you think you could be happy with her for a lifetime (hopefully a lifetime). If it bothers you now, it will bother you a lot more in a few years after the newness wears off. I say take your time and don't rush into marriage if you have any doubts. Time will tell you if she's the right one for marriage.

Answer 7

She sounds great. You need to be your own person too, so if you have other interests, that she's ok with, then you can still be intellectually stimulated. My wife is an artist. I like to look at the pretty pictures. She doesn't mind that I'm not as critical an eye as she is.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

I want to respectfully disagree with the person who urged you to ask yourself if this is someone you could live with.
Ask yourself, Can I live without her?
If the answer is yes, added to the other concerns you have, then end it. You cannot help but cause hurt, but, as many have said, now is better than later to make this break.

Answer 10

Very. Compromise and communication are the two keys to success in the relationship department.