Someday:
She stares at me with her soft blue eyes, her pale skin and flawless complection. When i stare back i feel so grotesque so repugnant, compared to her goddess like beauty that i want to run into the darckest cevasse in some forsaken mountain just so i wont hinder her beauty, so unsurpassed she is the fairest of any woman ever born her hair flows to her shoulders like a goddess', her voice like a sirens beckoning me into the mist...but alas she has been claimed, claimed by a rich man who cares for her as much as he cares for the ants crushed under his boots as he walks t'words her. The look she gives me with those cold pale blue eyes tgat reflect the light as a thousand dropplets of dew reflecting off the leaves of late gives me hope, hope that someday we will be together...someday.
2007-05-24 08:10:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
It is a very well written poetic prose piece, which is different than a poem. At 15, I think you captured this universal theme in a very communicative way. You should keep writing. Your writing is very good and expressive. You have achieved that ability. Next, I suggest keep writing and you will realize your unique style and voice will begin to appear. You are on the right road. You have a rare ability that most writers dream to have. That is, the reader is following you and drawn into your thoughts and feelings. I enjoyed reading your prose and it flowed nicely too. Good luck!
2007-05-24 08:18:08 · answer #1 · answered by X X 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's a good poem, but I did find a few errors. Seriously, I don't mean to sound picky, but everywhere I go I search for punctuation errors. Very well done otherwise. Here are a couple of errors I spotted:
1. Insert a semi-colon:
When i stare back i feel so grotesque; so repugnant
2. Add a hyphen between goddess and like
compared to her goddess-like beauty
3. Crevasse is spelled crevasse
4. Punctuate correctly
ever born. Her hair flows...
5. That should be “Her voice like a siren” or “Her voice like sirens”
not: like a sirens
6. Add a comma before ‘but’
, but alas
7. It should be “As he walks towards her”
as he walks t'words her
8. Should be eyes that reflect
eyes tgat reflect
9. Capitalize the proper nouns.
Great job!
2007-05-24 08:24:28 · answer #2 · answered by HollyGolightly 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's okay. My favorite part is:
"....claimed by a rich man who cares for her as much as he cares for the ants crushed under his boots as he walks t'words her. The look she gives me with those cold pale blue eyes tgat reflect the light as a thousand dropplets of dew reflecting off the leaves of late gives me hope, hope that someday we will be together...someday."
2007-05-24 08:16:25 · answer #3 · answered by Ashley M 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
AHH, previous love. I enjoyed it a lot, i replaced into grinning on an identical time as examining it because of the fact I remember those thoughts from 30 years in the past while i replaced into 15. i stumbled on some strains that lose pace with something.... Line 2 i might drop the notice "even". Line 3 i might exchange "you may" to "you may". Line 5 i might exchange "a grin upon lips" to "smiles to lips". Line 8 i might exchange to" in case you ever lost her you comprehend you may cry". Line 13 i might exchange "to remember" to "remembered". some issues I certainly have written i might pass over 3, 4 and 5 circumstances changing words and strains to get the appropriate pace. the only element you may desire to remember is that if it sounds stable and is clever to you, that's the full conflict. I certainly have examine a number of Jim Morrison's poetry, that's extremely complicated and troublesome to easily comprehend and it is going off on tangents into i do no longer comprehend the place. It made appropriate sense to Jim, nevertheless.
2016-11-05 06:33:51 · answer #4 · answered by gripp 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try writing about something that's honest and real for you, like being picked on at school or what people are doing in your classroom. Sometimes simple little moments can be so much more powerful than contrived overstated imaginings.
2007-05-24 08:21:34 · answer #5 · answered by gdmagic 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, it is good.
But there is no punctuation what so ever.
Also, if I were you, I'd take out the part about the rich man and the ants, for they contradict the strong essence in those sophisticated words you used.
Keep it up!
2007-05-24 08:17:07 · answer #6 · answered by sonbola 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
not quite my style but it was pretty good. i prefer things that r more raw and u can feel the emotional pouring out through the words keep working on writing cause ur good
2007-05-24 09:52:14 · answer #7 · answered by trumpet.girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pass the vom bucket
2007-05-24 08:12:29 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
this is a really great poem. it sounds like your really falling for this girl. she sounds really pretty. don't think your ugly. i haven't seen you, but every oe has thier own beauty.
2007-05-24 13:11:59 · answer #9 · answered by jewel 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW!! I love to write poems, and I have been for awhile, and let me tell you... you can write, really good!!! You should write more. YOU'RE GREAT!
2007-05-24 09:32:16 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋