My husband just found out about his 14 yrs old daughter. I don't know if my 3 kids should know about her.

Question

My husband received a letter about having to pay child support for a daughter he has never met. She is 14 yrs old. we have 2 kids together and I have 1. I am so confusse I don't know if the kids should find out about her. I don't even want my husband to have a relationship with her. Please if anybody had been in my situation give me some words of encoragement. I dont know what to do

Answer 1

i can tell that your not being selfish, but bieng self and family protecting.
you don't want your kids or yourself to get hurt and the 14 yr old to not care a zip..
Be honest and compassionate,
tell your kids
they may hate you now, [we get over it] but they'll hate you more if you don't..
tell your husband how you feel, ask how he feels about all this.. communication [or lack of] can make or break your relationships :)

Answer 2

Is he sure that this child is his? If he's not ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE - he should request a parternity test.

You want to be sure that this is his child for a few reasons -

1) This will have a huge impact on your family dynamic.

2) If she is his - and he KNEW about her - did YOU know about her? If this is something he kept from you - there are some things to work out there.

3) the child support and the back child support is probably going to put quite a dent in your finances.

I would NOT involve this 14 year old in your children's lives until you know who she is and who she has become in the past 14 years. Your husband had no hand in raising her and she could be trouble.

However, it's VERY important - if she IS his child - that your husband attempt to have a relationship with her. It's not her fault that he was not around for the first 14 years. I don't know if he ran away - or if the girl's mother kept her from him. But now if he's going to pay support - he'll have the right to see her regularly - and it's time for him to be her Dad - even if it's late - and seems awkward. You KNOW that it's the right thing for him to do. Everybody only gets one Dad - and that includes his 14 year old daughter. She's been denied a Dad for YEARS - don't try to keep him from her any longer.

After Dad and daughter have got to know each other a bit ( a few visits) it will be time to introduce her to her siblings. How supervised things need to be should be thought through clearly.

Again - first step is a PATERNITY TEST - so you can make sure this is his daughter. If it turns out she is - then proceed with caution and LOVE!

God bless!!

Answer 3

Don't you think you're being a little selfish? Why don't you want your husband to have a relationship with his daughter? It's not her fault that her mother chose not to let him know that he had a daughter for 14 years. Now that he knows he has a daughter I assume he wants to get to know her and be in her life.

Just how would you go about hiding her from your kids? What would be so wrong with them having another sister and getting to know her? Do you really want to lie to your kids and have them find out they had a sister and you said nothing? How does that make you any different from the woman that had his daughter? Isn't that what she did to him?

Husbands and wives are supposed to support each other. Give the girl a chance. You might enjoy having another daughter in the family. Think of how you would feel if you found out you had a child that you didn't know about. Wouldn't you want to have a relationship with him/her? Wouldn't you want your husband to support your decision to get to know your child and hope that he too would accept him/her?

This child is the innocent in all of this. She didn't ask to come and she didn't keep her existence a secret. Her mother did that. Give your husband all the loving support that you would expect from him if the shoe were on the other foot. Good luck to you all.

Answer 4

First things first.

Joe KLONDIKE is completely wrong. Being determined as the legal father has nothing to do with marriage. To illustrate first we need the answers to some questions.

1. From what agency was the letter sent and in what state?

2. What exactly does the letter say (and do not paraphrase but type it word for word without identifying names or other info.)

What this sounds like is the child's mother is on state assistance and has named your husband as a possible father. This is not a big problem as he still has the right to a paternity determination IF he answers the letter or IF he has not already ignored earlier letters.

If the latter, then he has administratively been determined to be the father and there's not much he can do about it. If it's the former and this is the first letter, then there will be instructions in the letter on how he can petition for the paternity test.

I will offer no further advice until we have the answers to the above questions.

Answer 5

Well first of all, you better put your big girl pantys on! How could you NOT want your husband to see his daughter? Do you know or realize just how cold and wrong that is. Your talking about a child. Not a girlfriend!! And yes, she is your children's sister, she is family. More so than you because she is blood. Throwing a temper tantrum over this will not serve you any purpose. Nor will resenting her, someone you have never even met. Has your husband not been supportive and loving towards your child, whom is not his and from your past??
This is not about you. This is about someone your husband never even had the chance to know she ever existed. Try to consider how he is feeling. And ENCOURAGE him to be a part of the child's life. And ENCOURAGE your children to accept her as well.
What you need to do is find your husband a lawyer and also have him take the DNA test. If he is the father, he will need, and more than likely want to get to know her.
The positive to this is this child down the road may end up being so loved and adored by YOU, you wont want to be away from her yourself. It does happen.
So, don't be upset. It will be just fine. And congratulations on your new bouncing baby girl!!!!!

Answer 6

Okay has he done a DNA test to prove it's his child. Just because someon claims that it's his child doesn't mean it is.

Two confusion is fine, i wouldn't tell your children yet untill you know for sure if you dont already. If you do, then they are bound to find out at some point. Better they find out from you.

Three. stop being selfish. That girl deserves as much of a relationship with her dad as the three children you two made together. It is no fault of hers that her mother and your husband got together didn't use protection and produced a child. This can be a wonderful experience for all involved. You can turn it around and make it a good relationship with all children.

I am the child of a family where there are two other older sisters i will never know. I know of them. I know first names, but i know nothing other then that. I wish i had the chance to meet them. to have a relationship with them if i so choose.

So if you all know it's his for sure, then tell his kids, because they will wonder were money went, they will wonder why they aren't doing more things that they used to do.

Be honest with your kids, both of you.

Answer 7

~Honesty is the best policy~ My husband has a child from a previous relationship which was given up for adoption. He has never met or contacted her. My children are only 5 and 7 so I have not talked to them about "the other child" but I have no plans to hide it from them. We have pictures of her in a photo album and I'm sure the conversation will come up and I will answer any questions they have honestly and fully.

There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is a child, not a dark secret. Pregnancy happens, even to the best of us :) I'm sure your children are curious and want to know what kind of relationship your family will have with this child, if any. Be honest, be supportive and if you don't have all the answers. That's ok. What are you afraid of? Their reactions? They won't disown you for something you didn't even know happened. As long as you're prepared to answer all the questions I'm sure you'll do fine.

Answer 8

You don't want your husband to have a relationship with his own daughter??? I've heard some statements that came across and completely immature and selfish, but that takes the cake. How about you think about how that little girl must feel instead of yourself for a second.

Has your husband and the daughter taken blood tests to prove she is his daughter? That is normally part of the process, so I'm guessing it has. They can't just send a letter to anyone and expect them to start paying child support.

If she is, you should let them all get to know one another slowly. I'm sure they will all be excited to find out they have another family member!

However, if the other daughter is mad that her dad hasn't ever had anything to do with her, she may save you the trouble and not want to be around your family.

Answer 9

I played around a lot in my 20s. In my last marriage, we had no kids. But we prepared for the situation you are experiencing. Our plan was to accept that child, at whatever age, should they show up. Because the child did not cause the problem. Try to keep that in mind. That child is a part of your husband. You love him, so how can you not love her on some level? Be patient with yourself. You will still have strong feelings about it all. That is natural. But keep it all sorted out. 15 yeaers ago, you were not married to your husband. So you cannot be resentful about what he did in the past. Everyone learns by experience. Sometimes the experience is not what we would like to have, but it is there.

Hang in there. Asking this question shows me you do care.

Answer 10

I'm so sorry but would you rather they find out later in life because they will find out !! Try not ot treat it as a disease they have a half sibling and they should know about it !! I would get a DNA test done just to be sure it's your husbands child !!! Your husband doesn't need to have a relationship with the mother but he is the father of the child and the child may or may not want a relationship so cross that bridge when you get to it !! I do beleive you will make matters worse if you try and keep it a secret !!

Answer 11

Oh boy this is a difficult one! Right now you are in a state of shock and I don't blame you! You didn't say that this child was conceived during your marriage to your husband. If this is the case than I understand how you feel about your children finding out. But the fact remains that she is here and are you both sure that your husband is the father of this young girl? I would want a dna test to be sure. Please describe in more detail of the situation and I will try to help you latter today sweetie.